Living Together Forever?

Recently, I was chatting with a friend of mine who just moved in with her boyfriend and we were discussing all of the challenges that brings. There are a few schools of thought on living together, but one thing is consistent for most people I know – it can be very difficult.  

Last week, I came home after a long day of work and dinner with friends to find my husband sitting on the couch, playing on the internet and watching This Old House. His shoes meet me at the entrance to the living room and his mail and other papers are all over the dining room table. The dishes sit in the sink from last night, the laundry is piling up and the house is still decorated for Christmas. An argument ensues because I am tired and feel like I am the only one who ever cleans our house. 

David and I moved in together a year ago, which was four months after we became engaged. We waited for some time for a variety of reasons, but most of all because we were both used to living alone. The last roommates I had were in grad school, when I was living in Ohio. Everyone is nice in Ohio. It was a three bedroom apartment. And it was 11 years ago. My ability to tolerate other people 24/7 has decreased tremendously since that time. Since then, I have been messy, able to order takeout on a whim, eaten pints of ice cream without feeling fat, taken my laundry to someone and paid them to do it, and received notices from Con Ed because I had not used gas in months and they thought something was wrong. I lived the epitome of the single life, and frankly, I loved it. No sharing of the bathroom, the cable, the sheets, the food, the space. No consideration of timing, guests, closet space, music choice or where to sit on the couch. And for some reason, any mess that was present when I lived alone was not a bother. There were days I left the dishes and would drop my shoes, coat, etc. wherever. But now that he’s here all the time and the ‘stuff’ is doubled, I find it terribly frustrating.

Another reason we waited was more purposeful. Moving in together is tough. I did not want to live with David until I really had to, until we were what I considered permanent. My fears were that if he saw how I lived and did not like it, or if I saw how he lived and did not like it, we would give up and go our separate ways. I did not think it would be fair to either of us if we used living together to assess our relationship. Old school as it may seem, these can be muddy waters if you are not sure where your relationship is headed. I believed that if we were going to commit to marriage, to a lifetime together, we would have to be able to get through many things and living together will likely be the least of our upcoming challenges. Of course, every relationship is different and I am certainly not a judge of what works for others. I just knew it would not work for me.

Now, back to the ongoing argument of ‘who does more’ (which, from what I understand, only gets much worse when children join the family). Both of us always feel that we do more than the other and David is actually assigned more chores, but that is simply because I finish them. For example, he does the laundry. One might assume that means sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away. In his case, it means sorting, washing, drying, leaving in a basket in the living room for a week. This is where I step in and finish the job. Always a fan of teamwork, I certainly do not mind helping out, but would love coming home to a clean house without having to ask my co-captain. So the argument continues…

But let’s not forget the perks of living together, of which there are many. It is such a joy to come home and have someone that loves you most in the world sitting on the couch, happy to see you and ask about your day. The test of the chore list is nothing compared to knowing you have a partner in the battle against your noisy neighbors, the occasional bug, or the management company. And there is nothing better than setting the table for the delicious homemade meal that completely trumps any option for takeout. My husband has made our house a home in so many ways – reorganizing our kitchen so everything fits better, making the bed every single day, fixing everything that needs to be fixed, getting us the new super quiet toilet seat, and remembering the names of all of the Real Housewives even though my love of Bravo irks him completely. At the end of the day, living together is just a piece of the partner puzzle – a challenging, exciting, wonderful puzzle that will never be complete. And maybe that’s the best part. 

Year in Review

Before jumping on the blog bandwagon of writing about my resolutions (which will come next week), I thought it would be a good time to reminisce about the past year. Not usually one to look backwards, but I feel it's important to understand where we've been and what we've been through, before figuring out where we need to go next.

In short, 2011 was amazing! Obviously the main event was our wedding and everything that came with that - dress shopping, vendor meeting, pre-cana, bachelor and bachelorette parties, showers, etc.  We were also able to celebrate a few weddings of our friends and family which were fabulous! The amount of love I felt this year was more than ever in my life and I am forever grateful for that.

But the real world is not "Facebook positive" as I refer to it. You know, where everyone only posts the BEST things that are happening to them, and fail to mention the crap that comes along with real life? There were definitely some challenges this year. David and I moved in together in January and it was very difficult. The transition of having lived alone for 11 years to now sharing 750 square feet with someone was tough (and still is some days). I realized that I never lived with anyone I dated for a reason, and if we weren't married, I would still be living alone!

There were some sad times this year as well. Good friends lost close loved ones and my heart still breaks for them. And I lost someone very special to me - my grandfather, Pop. I grew up living with Pop and we bonded over root beer floats, hess trucks and the tv show Quincy. He was sarcastic and funny, and had a low tolerance for stupid, but was loving and caring in his own 'no frills' way. I was blessed to have him in my life for so long, and miss him more than I thought I would. But I am happy that he was able to know David and his first great grandchild before he left us, and am grateful that he is home with his wife after too long of a time apart.

Speaking of the circle of life, there was great expansion! Babies were born, in-laws were made and my family and group of friends more than doubled in size. It is a wonderful thing, having two sets of loving parents, two extra siblings, hundreds of extra cousins (yes, hundreds, there are tons of them!), and a great new group of friends who love me as if I've known them for 15 years. The transition is not always easy and definitely still in process, and in many ways we are all still getting to know each other (more to come on this in 2012).

Our health is good, even though I seem to have gained the newlywed weight I was warned about and David does not (AARGH). And our faith continues to grow - we found a wonderful new church community this year and were able to attend two marriage preparation retreats, building and renewing our faith in each other. I am grateful every day for all the gifts we have been given.

The year also included as much fun as possible on a 'wedding savers' budget. Trips to Vegas, Vermont, and Atlantic City were taken (not huge gamblers, just a coincidence), and we enjoyed a ton of free, fun local events. Concerts and parties were attended, dancing occurred, and we wined and dined thanks to Groupon and Living Social. Time spent with family and friends is always the most important, and I honestly cannot remember the last weekend we were alone (usually a good thing, but we may try it out next year).

The New Year is a great time to start over, but also a good opportunity to look back, say 'thank you' and learn what you could do better next time. I have learned so much about myself this year and about who I want to be in the future. And I am so grateful for my health, my husband, my family and friends, life, love and the fact that this 750 square foot apartment has separate rooms when needed.  Happy New Year!!!