Without a Plan

As you may have learned by now, I can be a bit obsessively compulsively organized, efficient and planned in my day to day life. I tend to foreshadow more than is appropriate and plan for every good, bad, and life threatening situation. I will have a random brush with spontaneity and plan a last minute vacation, but will only go if I know it is well planned (just done so on short notice).

So when my husband told me that the only thing he wanted for his birthday this year was an unplanned weekend away, I immediately considered the quickest escape and clicked my heels three times, but was still standing there to respond (finally), ‘Sure, honey, if that’s what you want’.

The anxiety began about 10 seconds later and continued until our return from the birthday weekend. Knowing this would make him happy was the only reason it materialized, and this was the greatest gift he will ever receive. David should realize now that his present request this year was a guest wife for a weekend.  And I sure hope he liked it, because it will never happen again.

We decided (we?) to head upstate to wine country in Orange County, NY, but that was the only decision that was made prior to our departure. After work on Friday, which was his actual birthday, we just started driving north. David drove while I Google-d nearby places to stay and restaurants in case of an emergency. We stopped on route to take in the views of the Hudson River from the mountains and watch the sunset. Yes, sunset. And this is when my level of stress increased dramatically.

My husband could not understand why I became a bit frazzled at 9pm as we were just picking the restaurant for dinner and still had nowhere to sleep. The major difference in our levels of concern here are due to the fact that he would be fine with staying at a motel where you have the option of paying by the hour or the night, and I prefer to not have to check for bed bugs or bodily fluids when I arrive. It was taking all of my patience, kindness and good will to remember that it was his actual birthday and I had to be nice ALL DAY. 

During the appetizers, David started chatting up the locals and attempting to make a reservation at nearby Bed & Breakfasts (which, inevitably, were all booked). And then he gave in and let me recommend a Hilton Garden Inn about 15 miles away. We arrived and luckily were able to get a room (just for one night – Saturday there were two weddings and no rooms available).

I should let you know that from the time David proposed his ideal birthday gift to the moment we got in the car, I continued to remind him that I really was not planning anything, as per his request. Apparently he did not believe me, because at this point in the weekend he admitted that he ‘assumed I had a backup plan’. Ugh.

The good news was that he values my insanity when it comes to planning! The bad news was that I really did not have a plan. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the rest of the weekend was being planned in my head as we were having this conversation. 

So the next morning when we woke up, we made reservations for that evening at a Bed & Breakfast and then I became the tour guide of Orange County. We visited Orange County Choppers, toured six different wineries, and did a little shopping and eating along the way. On Sunday we had a lovely drive down the other side of the river, visiting Farmer’s Markets and castles, enjoying each other’s company and the sunshine. Overall, it was a great weekend.

I realized that David made this birthday request because I am generally too focused on the plan. A perfectionist by trade, I have a hard time letting go which can then lead to a hard time enjoying life. My husband is so laid back and lacks any interest in planning, so my behavior has a huge impact on his happiness as well. Not only did he want me to not ‘get crazy’, but he also wanted us to enjoy his birthday in the way that he prefers. We are all a work in progress, and this is definitely something I am working on – I’m just happy to have a partner who understands me and tries to push me at the same time.

But next time, I will definitely have a backup plan. I can always cancel if needed. J

Mrs. Indepent?

One of the things I have been struggling with since being in a relationship is the balance of independence and partnership. Being sort of a free spirit (I say sort of because I am way too OCD to be completely free), I have always found it a challenge to be 'tied down' and feel like I have to report to someone about what I am doing and where I am going. Luckily, my husband is extremely flexible. So much so that at times I wonder if he even cares what I am up to because he is so laid back. But still, it is a struggle.

When we first started dating, David and I had very separate lives. I was living in the city, he was living in the suburbs. I was training for a marathon, he was working overtime on a political campaign. I was partying it up with my friends, he was partying it up with his friends. And when convenient (usually on Tuesdays and Saturdays) we would spend time together. Sometimes we would go to each others' friends birthday parties or events, which was nice, but we only really did so if the scheduling happened to work. It was fun! And to me, the perfect relationship. We liked spending time together, but were happy to continue to live our own lives.

Then one day, we realized that we preferred to spend time together. We met each others' families and started spending full weekends together (plus an evening or two during the week). We worked harder to coordinate our schedules and attended most parties together. And eventually, I gave in and moved to the 'burbs so we could be together (and because I wanted to own property - don't think it was all him :)). Next thing you know we were engaged and living together, spending every minute together. Slowly but surely, we became more of a unit than individuals, and my battle to maintain my independence continued. I do what I want! Okay, not really anymore without understanding it might affect someone else, but sometimes I try to...

As soon as the wedding was over, I felt such a sense of relief to have my life back. In the first month, I was able to spend more time with friends than I did in the whole year prior and it felt great! Every other night I was out and about, catching up with people, doing the activities I had done before the wedding planning madness began. I really felt like I had it all - great friends, social time out and about, and a loving partner to meet up with at home. (I still do feel this way, but have toned it down a bit, realizing I am old and tired.) It seemed like we were back at the more independent stage of our relationship, but it was fine because we live together so see each other every day. Balance? Not sure. We are clearly a work in progress.

When we got back from Nashville, I asked my husband where we were going for President's Day, since it was the next long weekend (and, as you know, he has limited vacation time). He broke the news to me that he did not want to go anywhere.  Turns out, my hubby really wanted some down time, since we have been running around since November. About a week later, I accepted a promotion at work and found out I would be starting at the end of February. This month would be the last time I could take a vacation for some time, since I would be learning a new job. So I spoke with David to make sure he did not mind (NOT to ask permission), and booked myself a trip to Prague! Woo hoo!

Yes, alone. Just me. In Prague. I love to travel alone! It makes me feel adventurous and excited, young and free, independent and vulnerable. The sights, sounds and smells of a new country are my favorite things. And I certainly do not mind navigating through it by myself - at times, I prefer it. When you travel alone, you do not have to please anyone. I can spend 15 minutes in a museum if I find it boring or hours in a cafe because I am enjoying watching the people. It is a wonderful time to get to know myself, stretch my boundaries, and see the world.

I started to mention to people that I was going away, and most assumed I would be traveling with David. Which was fine. But when I clarified that it was just me, I received reactions that were more extreme than I thought appropriate. "Is David okay with this?" "WHY?" "Is there something wrong?" "Oh my gosh, be careful. I don't like this."  Yes, he's fine. Because I want to. No, nothing is wrong. Of course I will be careful. The reactions were so strong that I stopped mentioning it to people and even asked my husband not to tell his parents. They are slightly more traditional than mine, and I knew they would be worried the whole time I was away. Interestingly, the people that I met on the trip did not find it strange (another benefit of travel - it makes people a bit more open minded). They let me know how wonderful it was, told me it was a great thing to do, and congratulated me on being newly married (and, as it always happens lately, told me how wonderful and sacred marriage is - people really do still believe in marriage, which makes me the happiest).

Traveling alone after being married for three months may seem strange to some, but not to me! And my husband did not find it strange, but was a little worried.

This was the first time I had traveled abroad alone since right after we started dating seriously, just over three years ago. I had gone on weekend getaways with girlfriends or to visit with family, but never out of the country exploring alone. I was SO excited. And the trip was great! But by day three, I realized how much I missed my husband. Everything I saw and heard I wanted to share with him. I wanted to lay next to him when I fell asleep and I wanted to hold his hand walking down the romantic streets of Prague. Had I lost my sense of adventure? Was I becoming a boring married lady? I freaked out a little, drank some more Pilsner, and continued my journey.

I have since had time to reflect, and realized that if given the choice, I would prefer to travel with my husband. In fact, I would prefer to do most things with him. Every adventure is more fun, food tastes better, stars look brighter, and the world seems nicer when he is a part of it (and yes, this is my cheesy part of today's blog). I love to share things with him and create memories with him, and traveling is one of the greatest ways for that to happen. I have not lost any of my 'self', but rather gained a partner, a true companion. And for the first time in my life, I am actually comfortable with that.

Keeping Things Spicy!

NO, not in the way I am sure you are imagining when reading this title, sorry to disappoint (I’ll get there at some point, but for now still trying to maintain some level of privacy in my new marriage).  

Last week, my husband and I were chatting and realized that we had not been on a date since we have been married (74 days to be exact – yay, we beat Kim Kardashian!).  Prior to the ‘big day’, we had a date night every Wednesday – we would do something planned as time alone together, without our smart phones or other people, time to renew our relationship and focus on us as a couple. We would take turns planning them, so each week was something different and we always did something the other person would enjoy as well. Some weeks it would be as simple as watching Netflix together, and some weeks would be a trip to the local amusement park or dinner at the restaurant where we had our second date (which was the best one in my book).

As the wedding grew closer, unfortunately our date nights were filled with wedding planning tasks – table seating, printing out table numbers, etc. And since the wedding, date night disappeared! We came back from our honeymoon to a string of events - the passing of my grandfather, Thanksgiving, the birth of my niece, the passing of a good friend’s father, Christmas, and bringing in the New Year. It has been a very busy few months and sadly our date night has gotten lost in the mix.

In my humble opinion (and yes, I can be humble), date night is vital to the success of any romantic relationship. Too often we become comfortable with each other and forget that we are even in the same room, never mind why we decided to be together. It is easy to spend all of your time together without spending any quality time together. My husband and I spend a lot of time together – we even commute to work together – but date night is when I am reminded of how important he is to me and why I value our relationship. It reminds me of when we were just getting to know each other and how much I liked everything about him (or made excuses for that which I didn’t). Date night is such an added value to our relationship. Of course, there are no requirements for implementing – it does not need to be every week or a specific day, but it does need to be planned so you both value the time together. 

Luckily, we had planned to go away this past weekend, essentially a three day date in Nashville, TN.  David was super excited because he had never been there and loves the idea of being a cowboy, and I was super excited because of the quality time we would get to spend together. I love to travel as it feels like a renewal every time I go out of town, and doing so with David has been one of my favorite things about our relationship. Having a life partner means you always have a travel buddy! We have enjoyed many short trips in our time together (few of them long, due to budget and lack of vacation time) and each one has brought us wonderful memories and shared experiences which solidify our partnership. Nashville is a great city and we had a wonderful time. We had the best food, listened to the best live music (even though it was country, I became a fan!) and drank the best Moonshine. We had touristy fun and enjoyed the local flavors, and most importantly, we enjoyed each other’s company. It was a good mini-vacation and a nice, long date. 

Post Nuptial Depression and the Year of Fun

We are already a week in to 2012 (wow, that went fast!), so instead of writing about a New Year’s resolution that will undoubtedly vanish within six weeks, I thought it would be a great time to let you know about a resolution my husband and I made right before our wedding.

Before we got married, I became fearful of the inevitable post nuptial depression. I heard many rumors about it, friends who had gotten married before me had it, and I even had a small case of it after performing my duties as Maid of Honor for my sister’s wedding. 

post nup-tial de-pres-sion  [pohst nuhp-shuh l dih-presh-uh n] noun - condition of sadness and emotional dejection warranted by the loss of excitement after a super fun, big fat wedding.

Yes, there is the honeymoon and of course the joy of starting your life together, but the depression is real and I would venture to guess that most new wives have experienced it in some form. From a very young age, we are told that a wedding is the ‘biggest day of your life’. We receive instruction from family, friends and the media on dating, finding a groom, planning a wedding, saying yes to a dress, not being a ‘Bridezilla’ and everything in between. And after becoming engaged, we spend a year discussing and planning the event, and celebrating the fact that the day is coming. The build up to your wedding day is tremendous and takes up all of your time as the day nears. Then, finally, after 32 years of listening and one year of plotting, you enjoy a magical 10 hours, surrounded by everyone in the world who loves you the most.  How could you not be depressed when all of that excitement comes to a sudden halt? And how could I prevent this from happening to me?

My husband suggested scrapbooking as a way to reminisce about the good times we had planning the wedding (a favorite pastime of mine as well). I thought about how happy I would be to get back to ‘regular’ life, spending time with friends and going to exercise classes. We also considered all of the pressure we had been under in the 15 months leading up to the wedding, saving our money and not doing too much of anything else. Together we came up with the best idea to avoid the post nuptial depression and resolve to be happily married – a year of fun.

year of fun [yeer uhv fuhn] noun - a period of 366 days (a leap year in this case) where David and Theresa will spend married life doing activities that provide mirth and amusement

Our Year of Fun to do list (although the point is there is nothing we must do):

Travel – as much as possible! We are booked for Nashville, San Antonio, and Italy so far, and will be taking other trips throughout the year to visit family and friends.

Spend $$ – New oven, new furniture, new clothes, new electronics, new beginnings!

Party – like rock stars, pretending we can still hang, and attempting to stay up past 1am. I may be too old for this one, but the Year of Fun is a team effort.

Holidays - celebrate when we feel like it, and how we feel like it.  We decided to go ahead for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but skipped putting up a tree and spent less on stocking stuffers. Valentine’s Day is definitely off the list, but St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are in the queue.

Discover – learn as much as possible. We are taking cooking classes and dance classes, and my efforts to learn Spanish will happen this year. We are going to explore our community more, and join teams and clubs of interest.

Family and Friends – spend as much quality time with them when we can, celebrate everyone in our lives, but also feel comfortable saying ‘no’ when we cannot. Or when we don’t feel like it.  

The concept is easy – we plan on doing what we want this year. And not doing what we don’t want. And the only rule is that we do not discuss anything of a serious manner – no talk about job searches, house buying, or conceiving children, and no arguing over petty issues that arise. There won’t be many years in the future where we will have the opportunity to be as selfish as we can be today – babies will come, mortgages will grow, careers will need attention. But today, this year, we are young and free and focused on FUN! 

Not a bad resolution, is it?

Year in Review

Before jumping on the blog bandwagon of writing about my resolutions (which will come next week), I thought it would be a good time to reminisce about the past year. Not usually one to look backwards, but I feel it's important to understand where we've been and what we've been through, before figuring out where we need to go next.

In short, 2011 was amazing! Obviously the main event was our wedding and everything that came with that - dress shopping, vendor meeting, pre-cana, bachelor and bachelorette parties, showers, etc.  We were also able to celebrate a few weddings of our friends and family which were fabulous! The amount of love I felt this year was more than ever in my life and I am forever grateful for that.

But the real world is not "Facebook positive" as I refer to it. You know, where everyone only posts the BEST things that are happening to them, and fail to mention the crap that comes along with real life? There were definitely some challenges this year. David and I moved in together in January and it was very difficult. The transition of having lived alone for 11 years to now sharing 750 square feet with someone was tough (and still is some days). I realized that I never lived with anyone I dated for a reason, and if we weren't married, I would still be living alone!

There were some sad times this year as well. Good friends lost close loved ones and my heart still breaks for them. And I lost someone very special to me - my grandfather, Pop. I grew up living with Pop and we bonded over root beer floats, hess trucks and the tv show Quincy. He was sarcastic and funny, and had a low tolerance for stupid, but was loving and caring in his own 'no frills' way. I was blessed to have him in my life for so long, and miss him more than I thought I would. But I am happy that he was able to know David and his first great grandchild before he left us, and am grateful that he is home with his wife after too long of a time apart.

Speaking of the circle of life, there was great expansion! Babies were born, in-laws were made and my family and group of friends more than doubled in size. It is a wonderful thing, having two sets of loving parents, two extra siblings, hundreds of extra cousins (yes, hundreds, there are tons of them!), and a great new group of friends who love me as if I've known them for 15 years. The transition is not always easy and definitely still in process, and in many ways we are all still getting to know each other (more to come on this in 2012).

Our health is good, even though I seem to have gained the newlywed weight I was warned about and David does not (AARGH). And our faith continues to grow - we found a wonderful new church community this year and were able to attend two marriage preparation retreats, building and renewing our faith in each other. I am grateful every day for all the gifts we have been given.

The year also included as much fun as possible on a 'wedding savers' budget. Trips to Vegas, Vermont, and Atlantic City were taken (not huge gamblers, just a coincidence), and we enjoyed a ton of free, fun local events. Concerts and parties were attended, dancing occurred, and we wined and dined thanks to Groupon and Living Social. Time spent with family and friends is always the most important, and I honestly cannot remember the last weekend we were alone (usually a good thing, but we may try it out next year).

The New Year is a great time to start over, but also a good opportunity to look back, say 'thank you' and learn what you could do better next time. I have learned so much about myself this year and about who I want to be in the future. And I am so grateful for my health, my husband, my family and friends, life, love and the fact that this 750 square foot apartment has separate rooms when needed.  Happy New Year!!!