Lessons Learned

This weekend, my parents will be celebrating their 40^th wedding anniversary.  Their marriage has had a tremendous impact on my life, so I wanted to share some of the lessons I have learned.

Be a team.

As children, we all test our parents to see if we can get one of them to go against the other and approve a request. My sister and I tried this a few times, and of course, it never worked. My parents have always been a unit. Sometimes my Mom is the captain and sometimes my Dad is the coach, but they are always wearing the same team jersey. They are each other's biggest fans and strongest defenders. And while they may not always agree, no one else would know – they praise in public, and criticize in private. I have learned that this unity is vital to a successful marriage.

Love unconditionally.

My father's ability to zone out the world while reading the newspaper irks my mother, and my mother's need to change the location of everything in the kitchen once a month for 'fun' irks my father, but at the end of the day, they both see the big picture in each other. They may not like everything about each other, but they love each other unconditionally. I have learned that this is not an easy task, but it is essential to making a marriage work.

Keep the faith.

One of my fondest memories from childhood was listening to the Top 40 Countdown on the way to church every Sunday (and getting bagels on the way home). My parents’ focus was on the destination - they have always been active members of our faith community, and have dedicated their lives to providing Catholic education to others. God has remained an integral part of their marriage, which has helped them keep the faith in each other. I have learned that this faith will get you through the hard times and make the easy times even easier.  

Laugh. A lot.

There has not been one day spent with my parents without laughter and joy. Whether it was my Dad ‘mooning’ my Mom at Jones Beach or my Mom playing April Fools’ jokes on my Dad, and even during the wakes of loved ones and visits to the hospital, laughter has always been a part of their marriage. I have learned that marriage should be fun and you have to be able to laugh at yourself and each other.

Give generously.

When I question my parents for being too generous, they usually respond with, ‘what’s the worst thing they could put on my tombstone – that I gave too much?’ My parents have always given more than they have and they never say no to someone in need. Their annual contributions to charity make them a target for the IRS (I suppose it’s unbelievable now that people are generally kind and good?), and they are always available to lend a helping hand. I have learned that you don’t get to take the ‘stuff’ with you at the end of this life, and giving to others makes you better as a married couple.

Show affection.

My parents call each other Precious. And they kiss hello every time they see each other. When I was in high school (and sometimes now) it grossed me out a bit, but they never had a hard time showing each other love. They work hard to focus on their actions towards each other and not just their words. I have learned to be comfortable in showing my affection to my husband. Even if it skeeves out our future children.

Do things you don't like.

My mother hates the beach. My father hates romantic comedies. But they go to Florida on vacation and they get the senior discount at the movies. My parents have always been able to compromise and do things for each other, regardless of their preference. I have learned that marriage means flexibility and loving someone so much that you'll do what they like (even if you’d rather be doing anything else).

Sometimes it's okay to take a break.

Married couples argue, and my parents are certainly no different (although honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times they fought in front of my sister and I). The few times they had an argument, my father would always go for a walk, probably for about 20 minutes. He and my Mom needed time to process and they realized that taking a break would calm the situation. They would also take random breaks from each other (and parenthood) by having a night out with siblings or taking weekend trips with friends. I have learned that taking a quick break from a heated discussion or daily life means that you will come back to your marriage refreshed, recharged and reunited.

Family is everything. 

We have always been a family of four, technically, but my parents have made our family so much more than that. My Mom and Dad treat everyone like family – friends and loved ones, and people who have nowhere else to go. Each Thanksgiving there is a new person in our annual family photo, because anyone who doesn’t have plans that day becomes a part of our family. I have learned that family is what matters, whether they are ‘related’ or not, and at the end of the day expanding your family will enhance your marriage.

Take care of each other. And then get over it.

My parents have had some very difficult times. They have dealt with scary situations and suffered tragic losses. But they have always had each other to lean on, and then they have focused on moving forward. Together. I have learned that you have to take care of each other during the difficult times, but then you have to get over it, move forward, and choose to be happy. Especially when it comes to your marriage.

Thank you, Tom and Al (yes, I call them by their first names), for always showing me love and teaching me about marriage. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have had your partnership as an inspiration in my life.

Post Nuptial Depression and the Year of Fun

We are already a week in to 2012 (wow, that went fast!), so instead of writing about a New Year’s resolution that will undoubtedly vanish within six weeks, I thought it would be a great time to let you know about a resolution my husband and I made right before our wedding.

Before we got married, I became fearful of the inevitable post nuptial depression. I heard many rumors about it, friends who had gotten married before me had it, and I even had a small case of it after performing my duties as Maid of Honor for my sister’s wedding. 

post nup-tial de-pres-sion  [pohst nuhp-shuh l dih-presh-uh n] noun - condition of sadness and emotional dejection warranted by the loss of excitement after a super fun, big fat wedding.

Yes, there is the honeymoon and of course the joy of starting your life together, but the depression is real and I would venture to guess that most new wives have experienced it in some form. From a very young age, we are told that a wedding is the ‘biggest day of your life’. We receive instruction from family, friends and the media on dating, finding a groom, planning a wedding, saying yes to a dress, not being a ‘Bridezilla’ and everything in between. And after becoming engaged, we spend a year discussing and planning the event, and celebrating the fact that the day is coming. The build up to your wedding day is tremendous and takes up all of your time as the day nears. Then, finally, after 32 years of listening and one year of plotting, you enjoy a magical 10 hours, surrounded by everyone in the world who loves you the most.  How could you not be depressed when all of that excitement comes to a sudden halt? And how could I prevent this from happening to me?

My husband suggested scrapbooking as a way to reminisce about the good times we had planning the wedding (a favorite pastime of mine as well). I thought about how happy I would be to get back to ‘regular’ life, spending time with friends and going to exercise classes. We also considered all of the pressure we had been under in the 15 months leading up to the wedding, saving our money and not doing too much of anything else. Together we came up with the best idea to avoid the post nuptial depression and resolve to be happily married – a year of fun.

year of fun [yeer uhv fuhn] noun - a period of 366 days (a leap year in this case) where David and Theresa will spend married life doing activities that provide mirth and amusement

Our Year of Fun to do list (although the point is there is nothing we must do):

Travel – as much as possible! We are booked for Nashville, San Antonio, and Italy so far, and will be taking other trips throughout the year to visit family and friends.

Spend $$ – New oven, new furniture, new clothes, new electronics, new beginnings!

Party – like rock stars, pretending we can still hang, and attempting to stay up past 1am. I may be too old for this one, but the Year of Fun is a team effort.

Holidays - celebrate when we feel like it, and how we feel like it.  We decided to go ahead for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but skipped putting up a tree and spent less on stocking stuffers. Valentine’s Day is definitely off the list, but St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are in the queue.

Discover – learn as much as possible. We are taking cooking classes and dance classes, and my efforts to learn Spanish will happen this year. We are going to explore our community more, and join teams and clubs of interest.

Family and Friends – spend as much quality time with them when we can, celebrate everyone in our lives, but also feel comfortable saying ‘no’ when we cannot. Or when we don’t feel like it.  

The concept is easy – we plan on doing what we want this year. And not doing what we don’t want. And the only rule is that we do not discuss anything of a serious manner – no talk about job searches, house buying, or conceiving children, and no arguing over petty issues that arise. There won’t be many years in the future where we will have the opportunity to be as selfish as we can be today – babies will come, mortgages will grow, careers will need attention. But today, this year, we are young and free and focused on FUN! 

Not a bad resolution, is it?

Year in Review

Before jumping on the blog bandwagon of writing about my resolutions (which will come next week), I thought it would be a good time to reminisce about the past year. Not usually one to look backwards, but I feel it's important to understand where we've been and what we've been through, before figuring out where we need to go next.

In short, 2011 was amazing! Obviously the main event was our wedding and everything that came with that - dress shopping, vendor meeting, pre-cana, bachelor and bachelorette parties, showers, etc.  We were also able to celebrate a few weddings of our friends and family which were fabulous! The amount of love I felt this year was more than ever in my life and I am forever grateful for that.

But the real world is not "Facebook positive" as I refer to it. You know, where everyone only posts the BEST things that are happening to them, and fail to mention the crap that comes along with real life? There were definitely some challenges this year. David and I moved in together in January and it was very difficult. The transition of having lived alone for 11 years to now sharing 750 square feet with someone was tough (and still is some days). I realized that I never lived with anyone I dated for a reason, and if we weren't married, I would still be living alone!

There were some sad times this year as well. Good friends lost close loved ones and my heart still breaks for them. And I lost someone very special to me - my grandfather, Pop. I grew up living with Pop and we bonded over root beer floats, hess trucks and the tv show Quincy. He was sarcastic and funny, and had a low tolerance for stupid, but was loving and caring in his own 'no frills' way. I was blessed to have him in my life for so long, and miss him more than I thought I would. But I am happy that he was able to know David and his first great grandchild before he left us, and am grateful that he is home with his wife after too long of a time apart.

Speaking of the circle of life, there was great expansion! Babies were born, in-laws were made and my family and group of friends more than doubled in size. It is a wonderful thing, having two sets of loving parents, two extra siblings, hundreds of extra cousins (yes, hundreds, there are tons of them!), and a great new group of friends who love me as if I've known them for 15 years. The transition is not always easy and definitely still in process, and in many ways we are all still getting to know each other (more to come on this in 2012).

Our health is good, even though I seem to have gained the newlywed weight I was warned about and David does not (AARGH). And our faith continues to grow - we found a wonderful new church community this year and were able to attend two marriage preparation retreats, building and renewing our faith in each other. I am grateful every day for all the gifts we have been given.

The year also included as much fun as possible on a 'wedding savers' budget. Trips to Vegas, Vermont, and Atlantic City were taken (not huge gamblers, just a coincidence), and we enjoyed a ton of free, fun local events. Concerts and parties were attended, dancing occurred, and we wined and dined thanks to Groupon and Living Social. Time spent with family and friends is always the most important, and I honestly cannot remember the last weekend we were alone (usually a good thing, but we may try it out next year).

The New Year is a great time to start over, but also a good opportunity to look back, say 'thank you' and learn what you could do better next time. I have learned so much about myself this year and about who I want to be in the future. And I am so grateful for my health, my husband, my family and friends, life, love and the fact that this 750 square foot apartment has separate rooms when needed.  Happy New Year!!!

'Tis the Season

The holiday season is upon us, which means increased spending, compromising on time with family and lack of intimacy due to a whole lot of stress – some of the top reasons couples divorce, put into a five week period when the days are shorter and the lines are longer. AACK! Luckily, it also means remembering how much you love someone when you open that special gift, renewing your faith in each other during that New Year’s kiss and taking time to appreciate your crazy families in hopes that the one you create will be toned down just a tad.

I am pretty lucky, though. Being a newlywed means that the increased spending is allowed this year because we have limited financial obligations, and we are still excited to be intimate (wink, wink) regardless of how busy or stressed. The one challenge I have is the family sharing. David is happy to spend time with either of our families, regardless of which holiday or how much time. I am a bit selfish when it comes to this. Please refer to previous posts regarding my affinity for change.

Growing up, we all have our own holiday traditions. My family does everything on a very large scale. We always have groups of at least 15-20, with tons of food, alcohol and millions of presents. There have been Thanksgivings where a drunk grandparent sang old war songs and my Dad built a table the size of the living room to seat us all. On Christmas, my parents make us feel like we are 10 years old and spoil us rotten, even though it is long past the time that is considered appropriate. We wear matching pajamas and share funny Hallmark cards, and then spend the evening with our extended family doing the traditional Secret Santa exchange. Football is always on in the background, and karaoke usually makes an appearance. Then there is always a late night fire in the backyard, which now includes David’s obsession with marshmallows and toasting. 

A few years ago, everything changed. My sister and cousin were both expecting babies so were not able to come to Thanksgiving or Christmas. David and I had become serious so decided to split the holidays. It was (is) hard. What I was accustomed to for years and years suddenly became the past. Now don’t get me wrong – my new family is wonderful and I love spending time with them. My Suegra’s stuffing is amazing and my Suegro’s sense of humor cracks me up. But it is different. And sometimes I miss the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

I suppose that’s what marriage is all about – family, sharing, compromise, flexibility and of course, love. It is not always easy, it is not always comfortable, but it is ours. And this year, among the travel between families and the mounds of wrapping paper, I am most grateful for the best gift I have ever received – my husband.

Oh, Baby!

This past weekend was a big one. My sister and brother-in-law had their second baby on Friday (my first niece) and their son (my first nephew) celebrated his second birthday on Sunday!  David and I were lucky to be one of the first to hold my niece and my nephew, and of course this exciting time brings up the topic of having our own family.  I was hoping to avoid these 'serious' topics so early on, but it's timely.

I knew I would marry David when I saw him holding my nephew in the hospital two years ago.  We had rushed down to Maryland from New York on a Friday night, arguing along the way (I didn't think he was driving fast enough) and when I met my nephew I realized there was a part of my heart that had never been used before.  The love I felt for that tiny baby was like nothing I could have imagined.  David refused to hold him that night because he said he didn't want to bring the stress of the day upon the baby. But the next day when I saw my giant lovebug holding my precious nephew, I realized how much I loved him too. And that I definitely wanted to have a family with him.

Similar to marriage, I never really had an interest in having children. Being the youngest child, I think I may have missed the 'mom' gene. I don't particularly like taking care of others and I very much enjoy doing what I want, when I want, and how I want. I love to travel and eat out at nice restaurants. And although it doesn't happen often, I like the opportunity to sleep late. Having children is not something I take lightly because I understand that it changes your life forever. Not in a bad way, just different. And I have never really been a fan of change.

David told me that he wanted children when we first started dating. It is clear to everyone that he will be an exceptional father. He is warm, kind, loving, caring, sweet and generous. David is also one of the only male namesakes of his generation, so there is some family pressure as well. Within days of our engagement, his great aunt asked us how many children we would be having. She was not the first and definitely not the last. His best man included the question in his toast and the day I returned to work after our honeymoon my colleagues asked me if there would be a 'surprise' in nine months (really, a surprise? really?).

It seems once you hit a certain age and are in a serious relationship, the questions start. Are you going to marry him? When will you get engaged? When is the wedding? Where will you live? Are you going to have children? How many? When? Why not right away? The interesting part too is that people will answer for you if you don't respond quickly enough. You're not getting any younger. You need to make sure you're settled before doing anything. Children change everything. You should wait, enjoy being married. It's pretty funny to watch someone have a conversation with themselves about your life. Try it some time, I promise it's entertaining.

Then of course you have your own conversations and thoughts on the subject. David and I would love to have children - someday. We know how old we are, we know what we would like to accomplish before we take this huge leap, and we know that it is our decision. For now, we will continue to enjoy our nieces, nephew, friend's children, and the ability to go home and sleep after a nice long tiring weekend with them.