Playing with Roles

Last week, I was watching the premiere of one of my favorite reality shows, Bethenny Ever After, and something Bethenny talked about also rings true in my marriage. I must make a note here – because of my ridiculous addiction to reality television, I have given it up for Lent this year. More to come on that later. Bethenny was talking about how everyone loves her husband Jason and talks about wonderful and amazing he is, leaving her to be the ‘bad guy’ in their marriage. This made me think about roles in relationships, and how my husband and I are viewed and compared.

My husband is the epitome of “the nice guy”. He is kind, loving, caring, passive, friendly, and funny, and everyone loves him. Everyone. All of my friends told me to marry him upon their first meeting and my family adores him. They love him more than golf or scotch, which is kind of a big deal. David is the kind of guy that no one has a conflict with ever – he is laid back and generally pleasant, all the time. So this is what the world sees (as do I, hence the marriage). But there is another side to my husband that people may not see right away, and may never know. David is stubborn and loves to procrastinate. He is messy and can be over affectionate. He likes to always be ‘right’ and win arguments and has a vast knowledge of random facts that are interesting for about five minutes. His taste in music and television are very different than mine, so we argue over the DVR at home and the radio station on long road trips. But only I get to see these traits, while the rest of the world tells me how lucky I am because he is so wonderful and amazing.

On the other hand, I am loud, obnoxious, funny, obsessive, bold, aggressive and ridiculous, and never miss an opportunity to give my opinion. People love me too, but those are usually my kind of people, not always the general public. I can be overbearing and abrupt, but will do anything for my friends or family, and know how to throw a great party. This is what the world sees, and compared to my husband, the perception can be that I am the aggressor (not completely false), that I ‘control’ our relationship (not always true) and am the master of our domain (I wish!). And I do believe that at times my David enjoys this view. When he does not feel like socializing with his friends, they will always assume it is because of me – not necessarily that I told him not to go, but that he would not go out of some strange fear. And when he does not want to clean the house, he tells me it is because he knows I would not like it done his way due to my obsessive nature. Finally, when we argue, it is clearly my fault because, as everyone knows, I am the one who created this relationship dynamic and the argument is usually because we have gone off track.

I do believe this is the situation for every relationship. We each have roles that make us most comfortable. In our case, David prefers to be passive, and I prefer to be aggressive. There are days that I would LOVE to take a backseat and let him do everything, but that just does not happen. It is not his personality to do so, and inevitably I would be unhappy with the change, and we are quickly back at square one. With these roles in relationships comes outside perceptions and views, and we are all guilty of being judgmental. I have often thought of how ‘mean’ one partner is to the other and ‘controlling’ they are in their relationship. But, at the end of the day, it is their relationship, not mine. And somehow, it works for them. Who am I to tell them what works? I certainly would not want their opinion on my marriage.  

My favorite thing is to compare our relationship to others. It is very clear that we have people in our lives whose relationship roles we mirror:

Theresa is similar to...	David is similar to...
Theresa’s Mom	Theresa’s Dad
David’s Mom	David’s Dad
Theresa’s Brother-in-Law	Theresa’s Sister
Bethenny Frankel	Jason Hoppy
Kris Jenner	Bruce Jenner
Most of David’s friends	Most of David’s friends’ partners
Most of Theresa’s friends’ partners	Most of Theresa’s friends
Ellen Degeneres	Portia DeRossi
Michelle Obama	Barack Obama

It is very clear that we play similar roles to other relationships we have been in, or those we viewed growing up. In both of our parents’ relationships, our fathers were more laid back while our mothers were more assertive. David has always been surrounded by strong personalities among his family and friends, while I tend to be the stronger personality among my family and friends. It is no wonder that when we first became serious, there were some conflicts. Everyone in our lives were used to a certain dynamic of a relationship with each of us, and in some instances that was thrown off completely. When there are new relationship dynamics, there is bound to be conflict (luckily, all of which has been resolved).  

At the end of the day, it is important to recognize our roles in our relationship, to be aware of how we interact, and understand when things seem ‘off’. And it’s nice to mix it up and have a change of pace once in awhile (I love when my husband tells me what to do - wink, wink). We have to be comfortable in our roles and know that it does not mean I am the ‘bad guy’ or that he is not in control of our relationship. We have to remember that it is OUR relationship, so when the haters arise, we can ignore the judging and be happy with ‘us’ as we are!  

Is This Reality?

Reality shows have taken over the airwaves, and I am a huge fan. I love keeping up with the Kardashians and considering the life of a 'Real' mob, baseball or hip hop wife. The shows are hilarious and a break from my reality, so it has become my outlet. I probably spend way too much time in front of a television in any given week, but by watching these 'real' people act in a ridiculous and inappropriate manner, I am able to escape from whatever stressful situation I find myself in at the time. This is definitely not my reality, but it makes me think about the reality that each of us create in our own relationships.

My husband always teases me about being dishonest with him from our first date. He was giving me a ride home, playing a cd with some remixed songs from the 90‘s, and apparently I went on and on about how I LOVE remixes. Which was a lie. I hate remixes and feel that they just lengthen songs that already go on forever. I would beg to differ that I went on and on about it, but I do remember saying that his cd was the coolest. In the beginning of every relationship, there is a huge lack of reality. Each party is trying to impress the other, which leads to not telling the full truth about general likes and dislikes. And people are usually quite guarded, so try not to share too much personal information, past history, or political views. Even women who pride themselves on being completely ‘real’ are quite the opposite during this phase. From the remixes to a love of steak and vegetables, the fibs continued during this first stage of our relationship.

As time went on, we became much more comfortable and honest with each other - sometimes too honest. In addition to sharing everything, at this point partners begin to have serious opinions about each other, nagging about clothing or food choices, because obviously we know what is best for the other person. I will never forget the first time David had an opinion about my family. It was nothing serious, just a thought on travel for the holidays, but two things came to my mind. Number one, “this is MY family, who are you to have an opinion”. Number two, “oh my, you might become a part of my family”. At this stage in a relationship, you really get to know each other and decide if the quirks and reality of the situation are something you like or dislike, and something you are prepared to enjoy or tolerate for the rest of your life!

The problem with some of the reality television stars is that they skip a phase or two of this increased honesty. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were engaged after three months of dating, and married just weeks after. I would have been married a long time ago if I thought three months was a good gauge of my future with a person. In the first three months, couples are still being wined and dined and have not likely had an argument yet. It is not a shock that their marriage was so short, but I will say, now having watched Kim’s breakdown on her show, clearly they never reached a space of honesty in their relationship. What a mess. 

Then comes marriage. The ultimate honest, open relationship. Right? Or is it still okay to fib once in awhile? On our honeymoon, there was karaoke at the resort, and my husband loves karaoke. Loves. I do not. And, for the record, I have been honest about this. Everyone has a hit or miss song once in awhile, so sometimes David’s pitch is not 100%, but he loves it so much that I would never tell him. And in fact, on our honeymoon, I engaged a group of other couples to cheer him on during his performance. Not completely honest behavior, but I had only the best intention. When my husband played back the video I had taken, he realized it was not his best performance and was on to my game. But at the time, it made him feel good, which made me feel good. Sometimes I hope he is not being completely honest with me, and other times, I hope he is. There is a fine line between being open and honest, while respecting your partner’s feelings.

The tricky part is when you think you are protecting their feelings, but the other person would prefer you be completely honest. Every time we go out, I ask my husband how I look, and every time he responds the same - “beautiful”. Now I know this may be a trick question to some, but I am actually looking for an honest answer. I want to know if I look fat or if my hair is frizzy or my makeup uneven. Frightened of hurting my feelings, David will never tell me the whole truth. Sometimes he will elude to their being an issue, but never say exactly what it is. So now, we take pictures! I make him take pictures of me from the back every time we go out, so I know exactly how big my butt looks. And it works better for both of us. While I am very comfortable being honest, my husband is very protective of others’ feelings, so we strike a balance in the honesty game.

No matter how ‘real’ television may become, in marriage you and your partner create your own reality. It has to be what works for both of you, and it has to be as honest and true to your relationship as possible. I will never tell David when he has a bad night at karaoke, and he will never tell me that I look chunky in a sweater dress. But we are honest when any big issues arise, and that is what is important. Keep it real, folks!