Never go to bed angry (and other unsolicited advice).

It was in the cafeteria in high school that I first became a recipient of relationship advice. I was not seeing anyone at the time, but a friend of mine was talking about how great her relationship was with her boyfriend and told me it was because ‘we never go to bed angry’. She went on to tell me how couples should work out their issues first and always tell each other how much they love them before falling asleep.

Really? Is this the one thing that will keep your relationship going? 

Sometimes trying to finish an argument and continue talking before falling asleep is not a good idea. Instead of saying ‘I love you’ there is a risk of saying something terribly inappropriate which may scar your relationship. There are nights where going to bed is actually the best option. And while I agree that telling someone you love every day is a good idea, missing one evening does not take away from the fact you do love them.

As newlyweds, we receive quite a bit of advice. From everyone. It actually started long before we were engaged, when we first started dating. Both of us received opinions from friends and families – some of it requested in conversations about ‘dating this new guy’ or ‘making it official with this lady’, but much of it not requested at all. I heard about how I should curb some of David’s behaviors, ‘before it becomes a habit’. And my husband was told that he should find someone else because of my ‘strong’ personality (interesting that it came from someone with no personality). When we became engaged, the advice continued so that we knew when to get married, where to have the wedding, what the ceremony should include, and who to invite. And now that we are married, we hear more about how to tolerate each other on a regular basis and of course, the inevitable opinion on when, how and where to have children (with a reminder of how lucky we are to know the ‘with who’).

Obviously there is stress in receiving unsolicited advice, but there is also stress in asking for an opinion. When you bring other people into your relationship by sharing details about it, it is inevitable that their view of your partner changes. You may think that sharing a small detail about something that irks you is no big deal, but depending on the person, they may judge your husband or wife. When David and I first started dating I would tell a few of my close friends everything about our relationship, but when I realized that he was ‘my person’, it became really important to me that we maintain intimacy when it comes to the details. My husband and I each have one or two outside confidants, but really focus on keeping most things private.

While recently David and I have been on the recipient side of the ‘best advice’ game, we are also very guilty of giving unsolicited guidance. Last week I caught myself telling a good friend who is recently engaged that she should really cut down her guest list, so she can spend time with everyone during her reception. And while we were at dinner with friends, my husband and I both went on about the challenges of being married (as if we have the slightest clue). I have certainly judged the relationships of others and put in my two cents when friends and family clearly had enough of their own change. And it seems to happen more as I gain life experience.

How can we stop the vicious cycle? Sometimes advice is helpful because many couples go through similar situations. It’s nice to know that we’re all in the same boat and it would be great if we could support each other without feeling judged. So maybe while sharing experiences, we just have to remember that every relationship, every person, every situation and every bit of feedback is different. And as couples, we should be comfortable taking it all in, not allowing it to make us feel unsuccessful, and filtering it as we see fit.

But that’s just my advice.

Six Months Already?!

Well, it seems married life just makes the time fly right by – would you believe that my husband and I have now been married for six months? Considering the fact that we almost broke up at the six month mark of dating (long story, glad that passed) and that everyone has warned us the first year of marriage is the hardest, I feel that we have made quite an accomplishment. Hooray for us!  

But really, I wanted to take this opportunity to provide some updates on our marriage, the year of fun, and the blog itself. 

Marriage has been awesome so far. Honestly! This is not to say we don’t have our tiffs and riffs, but overall it is a beautiful life that we are building. And I am so happy to be a partner to my husband! We have had a tremendous six months and experienced some serious ups and downs, but knowing that David is a constant makes everything manageable. It is rare to know that you have someone who will be there regardless of what happens and this is something I treasure in our relationship. As my husband always says, we are our family now. And that’s exactly how it feels.

The Year of Fun has been amazing! We have traveled, explored, lived it up, celebrated with friends, spent time with family, let go of stress, and enjoyed each other and our time alone to the fullest. And the best part about letting go and doing only what we want is that it has brought us success and joy. A few months ago I received a promotion to a new and exciting position and my husband is in the process of negotiating a new job offer as well! Being members of a DINK (Double Income No Kids) household is a benefit that we are enjoying to the fullest!

After my post on Newlyweight, my husband woke up one morning and told me he wanted to focus on weight loss and get ready in case (after the Year of Fun) we move towards having the tiny tots. So, we did! I am happy to say that we have lost almost 20 pounds as a couple – we’re moving slow and steady in this regard, but the good news is that we are moving. David has started playing basketball again and I decide to run randomly as always, but we are making progress. The clothes fit again, woo hoo!

And one more update – my husband found his ring. He came clean about leaving it on the fruit stand and I decided to be kind and give it back to him. He has not forgotten it since.

Finally, a note on the blog itself. This began as an outlet for me to discuss the challenges and adventures of the first year of marriage, and I want to thank you for all of your support and feedback. Please continue to comment and helpful hints are more than welcome. I really appreciate your thoughts on marriage, as they only help us all succeed. And I wanted to let you know that I have decided (with the support of my amazing husband) to continue the blog after the first year. After all, David and I are just two little freshmen in the high school of marriage. Doesn’t it get a lot more exciting after that? 

Thanks for reading!

Playing with Roles

Last week, I was watching the premiere of one of my favorite reality shows, Bethenny Ever After, and something Bethenny talked about also rings true in my marriage. I must make a note here – because of my ridiculous addiction to reality television, I have given it up for Lent this year. More to come on that later. Bethenny was talking about how everyone loves her husband Jason and talks about wonderful and amazing he is, leaving her to be the ‘bad guy’ in their marriage. This made me think about roles in relationships, and how my husband and I are viewed and compared.

My husband is the epitome of “the nice guy”. He is kind, loving, caring, passive, friendly, and funny, and everyone loves him. Everyone. All of my friends told me to marry him upon their first meeting and my family adores him. They love him more than golf or scotch, which is kind of a big deal. David is the kind of guy that no one has a conflict with ever – he is laid back and generally pleasant, all the time. So this is what the world sees (as do I, hence the marriage). But there is another side to my husband that people may not see right away, and may never know. David is stubborn and loves to procrastinate. He is messy and can be over affectionate. He likes to always be ‘right’ and win arguments and has a vast knowledge of random facts that are interesting for about five minutes. His taste in music and television are very different than mine, so we argue over the DVR at home and the radio station on long road trips. But only I get to see these traits, while the rest of the world tells me how lucky I am because he is so wonderful and amazing.

On the other hand, I am loud, obnoxious, funny, obsessive, bold, aggressive and ridiculous, and never miss an opportunity to give my opinion. People love me too, but those are usually my kind of people, not always the general public. I can be overbearing and abrupt, but will do anything for my friends or family, and know how to throw a great party. This is what the world sees, and compared to my husband, the perception can be that I am the aggressor (not completely false), that I ‘control’ our relationship (not always true) and am the master of our domain (I wish!). And I do believe that at times my David enjoys this view. When he does not feel like socializing with his friends, they will always assume it is because of me – not necessarily that I told him not to go, but that he would not go out of some strange fear. And when he does not want to clean the house, he tells me it is because he knows I would not like it done his way due to my obsessive nature. Finally, when we argue, it is clearly my fault because, as everyone knows, I am the one who created this relationship dynamic and the argument is usually because we have gone off track.

I do believe this is the situation for every relationship. We each have roles that make us most comfortable. In our case, David prefers to be passive, and I prefer to be aggressive. There are days that I would LOVE to take a backseat and let him do everything, but that just does not happen. It is not his personality to do so, and inevitably I would be unhappy with the change, and we are quickly back at square one. With these roles in relationships comes outside perceptions and views, and we are all guilty of being judgmental. I have often thought of how ‘mean’ one partner is to the other and ‘controlling’ they are in their relationship. But, at the end of the day, it is their relationship, not mine. And somehow, it works for them. Who am I to tell them what works? I certainly would not want their opinion on my marriage.  

My favorite thing is to compare our relationship to others. It is very clear that we have people in our lives whose relationship roles we mirror:

Theresa is similar to...	David is similar to...
Theresa’s Mom	Theresa’s Dad
David’s Mom	David’s Dad
Theresa’s Brother-in-Law	Theresa’s Sister
Bethenny Frankel	Jason Hoppy
Kris Jenner	Bruce Jenner
Most of David’s friends	Most of David’s friends’ partners
Most of Theresa’s friends’ partners	Most of Theresa’s friends
Ellen Degeneres	Portia DeRossi
Michelle Obama	Barack Obama

It is very clear that we play similar roles to other relationships we have been in, or those we viewed growing up. In both of our parents’ relationships, our fathers were more laid back while our mothers were more assertive. David has always been surrounded by strong personalities among his family and friends, while I tend to be the stronger personality among my family and friends. It is no wonder that when we first became serious, there were some conflicts. Everyone in our lives were used to a certain dynamic of a relationship with each of us, and in some instances that was thrown off completely. When there are new relationship dynamics, there is bound to be conflict (luckily, all of which has been resolved).  

At the end of the day, it is important to recognize our roles in our relationship, to be aware of how we interact, and understand when things seem ‘off’. And it’s nice to mix it up and have a change of pace once in awhile (I love when my husband tells me what to do - wink, wink). We have to be comfortable in our roles and know that it does not mean I am the ‘bad guy’ or that he is not in control of our relationship. We have to remember that it is OUR relationship, so when the haters arise, we can ignore the judging and be happy with ‘us’ as we are!  

To My Wife!

Our wedding was on a Saturday afternoon at 3:00pm and by 4:15pm David was using the W word (wife, that is). We were having a champagne toast outside of the church when he exclaimed, "To my wife!" and everyone cheered. I was alarmed. How was he so ready to use this word? Was this a lifelong dream of his? I was certainly not ready to drop the H bomb (husband, that is). In a matter of three years, I had gone from single to girlfriend to fiance to wife! This happened very quickly, especially after 30 years of mostly single.

On our honeymoon I used the H word when asking others to cheer for him at karaoke, but more in a 'test it out' way. And I definitely prefer husband to fiance, which I found terribly pretentious and tried to avoid at all costs. But using this word on a regular basis was a little scary. It makes me wonder how we have arrived at all of these relationship titles.

According to Dictionary.com, here's how it all boils down:

sin·gle 

[sing-guhl] adjective, verb, -gled, -gling, noun

only one in number; one only; unique; sole: a single example.

of, pertaining to, or suitable for one person only: a single room.

solitary or sole; lone: He was the single survivor.

unmarried: a single man.

pertaining to the unmarried state: the single life.

girl·friend 

[gurl-frend] noun

a frequent or favorite female companion;sweetheart.

a female friend.

fi·an·cée 

[fee-ahn-sey, fee-ahn-sey] noun

a woman engaged to be married.

wife 

[wahyf] noun, plural wives[wahyvz] verb, wifed, wif·ing

a woman joined in marriage to a man; a womanconsidered in relation to her husband; spouse.

a woman ( archaic  or dial.,  except in idioms): oldwives' tale.

I'm not sure Dictionary.com met me, however.  This is how I boil it down:

SINGLE [SIN...gul] noun, verb, adjective, adverb

Poor decisions, good times, college, practice made perfect in bad dating, parties, boys, free dinners, long walks home (alone), the recipient of advice from everyone in a relationship, Ben & Jerry's by the pint, comfortable, sweatpants, studio apartment, self love.

GIRLFRIEND [Really? Do people use this title after 30?] noun, adjective

Taken, by choice. Texting, phone calls, free dinners, discussions of the future, meeting family and friends, +1 for weddings, fun, long walks, holding hands, vacations, testing the waters, sleepovers, pictures, falling for someone other than self.

FIANCEE [FEE..on..say] noun, verb, adjective, adverb

Diamonds, saving money, spending money, wedding planning, trying to avoid becoming a bridezilla so he'll actually marry me, pre-cana, moving in, sharing - a lot, family, friends, celebrations, showers, bachelorette party (attempting to revert to parts of SINGLE), conflict, arguments, love, adoration, trust, commitment, excitement.

WIFE [WIFE] noun, adjective

Permanent, exciting, honeymoon, love, joy, not sure what else yet, but will keep you updated!

Regardless of the title, I am still me. And blessed to be with a wonderful he. I think I can used to this 'wife' thing.