Six Months Already?!

Well, it seems married life just makes the time fly right by – would you believe that my husband and I have now been married for six months? Considering the fact that we almost broke up at the six month mark of dating (long story, glad that passed) and that everyone has warned us the first year of marriage is the hardest, I feel that we have made quite an accomplishment. Hooray for us!  

But really, I wanted to take this opportunity to provide some updates on our marriage, the year of fun, and the blog itself. 

Marriage has been awesome so far. Honestly! This is not to say we don’t have our tiffs and riffs, but overall it is a beautiful life that we are building. And I am so happy to be a partner to my husband! We have had a tremendous six months and experienced some serious ups and downs, but knowing that David is a constant makes everything manageable. It is rare to know that you have someone who will be there regardless of what happens and this is something I treasure in our relationship. As my husband always says, we are our family now. And that’s exactly how it feels.

The Year of Fun has been amazing! We have traveled, explored, lived it up, celebrated with friends, spent time with family, let go of stress, and enjoyed each other and our time alone to the fullest. And the best part about letting go and doing only what we want is that it has brought us success and joy. A few months ago I received a promotion to a new and exciting position and my husband is in the process of negotiating a new job offer as well! Being members of a DINK (Double Income No Kids) household is a benefit that we are enjoying to the fullest!

After my post on Newlyweight, my husband woke up one morning and told me he wanted to focus on weight loss and get ready in case (after the Year of Fun) we move towards having the tiny tots. So, we did! I am happy to say that we have lost almost 20 pounds as a couple – we’re moving slow and steady in this regard, but the good news is that we are moving. David has started playing basketball again and I decide to run randomly as always, but we are making progress. The clothes fit again, woo hoo!

And one more update – my husband found his ring. He came clean about leaving it on the fruit stand and I decided to be kind and give it back to him. He has not forgotten it since.

Finally, a note on the blog itself. This began as an outlet for me to discuss the challenges and adventures of the first year of marriage, and I want to thank you for all of your support and feedback. Please continue to comment and helpful hints are more than welcome. I really appreciate your thoughts on marriage, as they only help us all succeed. And I wanted to let you know that I have decided (with the support of my amazing husband) to continue the blog after the first year. After all, David and I are just two little freshmen in the high school of marriage. Doesn’t it get a lot more exciting after that? 

Thanks for reading!

The Attitude of Gratitude

My husband and I are currently feuding over thank you notes. Okay, feuding is a bit dramatic, but we are at a standstill. We were married almost six months ago, and if it were up to me, the thank you notes would have been sent out within six weeks. While I have heard rumors of etiquette stating we have one year to send them, the thought makes me shudder. The only reason we delayed was because we wanted to use a professional photograph and did not want the notes to get lost in the holiday mail. Most of them went out in the 3-4 month range. Most of them. 

Since I felt that I did more work on the wedding planning then David, I decided I would not be writing the thank you notes for his ‘side’. But knowing how my husband likes to procrastinate, I wrote the notes for both of our immediate families and the bridal party. His are still pending. And the frustrating part is that I have tried everything to get him to do them! I have begged, pleaded, attempted manipulation, bargained, and attempted bribery. Nothing is working. My husband is terribly stubborn – the more I request it be done, the less likely it is to happen. 

And the worst part? He has done some of them. There are only 9 notes left to mail, 7 of which are already written. Several friends and family members have received them, and a few have not. And for some strange reason, my husband does not see the problem with this. I am becoming more embarrassed by the day and just hope we do not run into the 9 people anytime in the near future.

In general, I am a huge proponent of the thank you note. They are personal, meaningful and always appropriate. I am also a big fan of sending them out in a timely manner, as they do lose value. Unfortunately, I have been to weddings, showers, and other events without receiving a thank you note, and am still shocked every time (and yes, I keep a running list – rest assured, I will not be at your next function!). 

But more important than the note is the fact that someone is thankful. The attitude of gratitude is not present enough in today’s society. And generally not present enough in relationships. Couples become too comfortable and sincerely forget to be grateful for their partner. David is always telling me that I am too critical and that I do not recognize all of the ‘good stuff’ he does. We disagree on this, because while he thinks I am ungrateful, it is hard for me to understand why I should thank him for doing things we both do, or for doing things that are his responsibility. And I do thank him for the big stuff. My response to his frustration is usually asking if he would like a gold star, which is my passive aggressive, ugly way of daring him to request validation. But really, why should I have to thank my husband for doing half of the household chores? I’m doing the other half and not receiving a thank you!

I suppose it would be better to suck it up and say those two simple words a bit more often. At the end of the day, we all just want appreciation and recognition for doing good things and being good people. Perhaps if I show more gratitude, it will be paid forward, and I will receive some as well. Appreciation karma, here goes…

David, I am grateful to you for making me laugh, wiping my tears and being present for every emotion in between. Thank you for all that you do to make our house a home and our marriage a partnership. I appreciate your patience, kindness and respect for all people, and I am grateful to have you as a role model in the ‘let’s be kind to others’ department. Thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors and always celebrating my success. I am grateful for your unconditional love, bear hugs and million kisses. Thank you for being you and for choosing me.

Now, go write those thank you notes.

Milestones & Memories

mile·stone [mahyl-stohn]

noun

1.  a stone functioning as a milepost

2.  a significant event or stage in the life, progress, development, or the like of a person, nation, etc.

I met my husband in 2008, and that year was filled with some other significant milestones. I am most reminiscent this week because it is my favorite holiday (St. Patrick’s Day) and the anniversary of one of the biggest events in my life (my run in with the big ‘C’).   

My New Year’s resolution that year was to be more social, date more frequently, and use different venues to meet people – to step out of my comfort zone in every way possible. On January 16, 2008, I met my husband. I had decided to attend a friend’s 30^th birthday dinner where I would know absolutely no one and he was there when I arrived. He was dressed nicely, drinking a glass of red wine, and from across the room I knew that I wanted to get to know him better. Not a hippie by trade, but I always tell people because it’s true – I could see his aura and it was just wonderful, I knew he was a good person right away. I was like a fly to a bug zapper. We spoke the entire night, but he did not ask for my number. So I spent the next six months trying to see him again... Finally, David and I went on our first double date on July 26, 2008, we went on our first date alone together on August 31, 2008, and we decided not to date other people on December 18, 2008. I was a smitten kitten and remember all of these dates due to my obsessive nature, but also because they were milestones in my life.

My mother graduated from college on May 11, 2008, which happened to be Mother’s Day that year. I remember how overwhelmingly proud I was, and the inability to hold back joyous tears while she walked across that stage. Her smile is forever stuck in my mind, along with her amazing confidence while accepting her diploma. My sister got married on May 24, 2008. We sang karaoke and danced to 80’s music at her bachelorette party, and her tea party themed shower was such a beautiful day. I remember her wedding shoes and her gorgeous hair and makeup on 'the big day', but most importantly, the pure joy on her face when she said ‘I do’ and walked into the reception holding her husband’s hand.  Both of these milestones made 2008 an amazing year. Family really is everything.

I was diagnosed with melanoma on March 14, 2008. My dermatologist started the conversation talking about stages of cancer and how this was the best case scenario. I remember feeling my heart pounding out of my chest as I took notes on what she was saying, because the words were incomprehensible. It was a beautiful day and I walked home from work and had 20 minutes alone before telling anyone. Twenty minutes of denial and freedom. Twenty minutes before I had to repeat the information to others, making it a reality. My first surgery was April 3, 2008, the second was May 29, 2008, the third (and last) was August 19, 2008. And I fought back and ran my first marathon on October 26, 2008, supporting The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The feelings of achievement and exuberance as I crossed that finish line will forever be embedded in my mind. I will never forget the look of pride on my Dad’s face at the 26 mile mark and the tight hugs that I received from my family afterwards. 

The milestones in our lives make us who we are and can change us in the most dramatic ways. These are the life events that build everlasting memories. In this first year of marriage, we have tons of milestones because we have so many firsts! Our first long vacation together was our honeymoon and we will always remember the fun couple from Wyoming, the fabulous pina coladas and the smell of the delicious salt water. When we returned we opened our first joint bank account. We grieved our first big loss together and I will never forget listening as my husband received the bad news, then, as delicately as possible, passed it along to me. And we celebrated our first big job promotion with an amazing dinner that I can still taste. Four years later, I am reminiscent, but looking forward to new milestones with my new husband in our new life together.

Playing with Roles

Last week, I was watching the premiere of one of my favorite reality shows, Bethenny Ever After, and something Bethenny talked about also rings true in my marriage. I must make a note here – because of my ridiculous addiction to reality television, I have given it up for Lent this year. More to come on that later. Bethenny was talking about how everyone loves her husband Jason and talks about wonderful and amazing he is, leaving her to be the ‘bad guy’ in their marriage. This made me think about roles in relationships, and how my husband and I are viewed and compared.

My husband is the epitome of “the nice guy”. He is kind, loving, caring, passive, friendly, and funny, and everyone loves him. Everyone. All of my friends told me to marry him upon their first meeting and my family adores him. They love him more than golf or scotch, which is kind of a big deal. David is the kind of guy that no one has a conflict with ever – he is laid back and generally pleasant, all the time. So this is what the world sees (as do I, hence the marriage). But there is another side to my husband that people may not see right away, and may never know. David is stubborn and loves to procrastinate. He is messy and can be over affectionate. He likes to always be ‘right’ and win arguments and has a vast knowledge of random facts that are interesting for about five minutes. His taste in music and television are very different than mine, so we argue over the DVR at home and the radio station on long road trips. But only I get to see these traits, while the rest of the world tells me how lucky I am because he is so wonderful and amazing.

On the other hand, I am loud, obnoxious, funny, obsessive, bold, aggressive and ridiculous, and never miss an opportunity to give my opinion. People love me too, but those are usually my kind of people, not always the general public. I can be overbearing and abrupt, but will do anything for my friends or family, and know how to throw a great party. This is what the world sees, and compared to my husband, the perception can be that I am the aggressor (not completely false), that I ‘control’ our relationship (not always true) and am the master of our domain (I wish!). And I do believe that at times my David enjoys this view. When he does not feel like socializing with his friends, they will always assume it is because of me – not necessarily that I told him not to go, but that he would not go out of some strange fear. And when he does not want to clean the house, he tells me it is because he knows I would not like it done his way due to my obsessive nature. Finally, when we argue, it is clearly my fault because, as everyone knows, I am the one who created this relationship dynamic and the argument is usually because we have gone off track.

I do believe this is the situation for every relationship. We each have roles that make us most comfortable. In our case, David prefers to be passive, and I prefer to be aggressive. There are days that I would LOVE to take a backseat and let him do everything, but that just does not happen. It is not his personality to do so, and inevitably I would be unhappy with the change, and we are quickly back at square one. With these roles in relationships comes outside perceptions and views, and we are all guilty of being judgmental. I have often thought of how ‘mean’ one partner is to the other and ‘controlling’ they are in their relationship. But, at the end of the day, it is their relationship, not mine. And somehow, it works for them. Who am I to tell them what works? I certainly would not want their opinion on my marriage.  

My favorite thing is to compare our relationship to others. It is very clear that we have people in our lives whose relationship roles we mirror:

Theresa is similar to...	David is similar to...
Theresa’s Mom	Theresa’s Dad
David’s Mom	David’s Dad
Theresa’s Brother-in-Law	Theresa’s Sister
Bethenny Frankel	Jason Hoppy
Kris Jenner	Bruce Jenner
Most of David’s friends	Most of David’s friends’ partners
Most of Theresa’s friends’ partners	Most of Theresa’s friends
Ellen Degeneres	Portia DeRossi
Michelle Obama	Barack Obama

It is very clear that we play similar roles to other relationships we have been in, or those we viewed growing up. In both of our parents’ relationships, our fathers were more laid back while our mothers were more assertive. David has always been surrounded by strong personalities among his family and friends, while I tend to be the stronger personality among my family and friends. It is no wonder that when we first became serious, there were some conflicts. Everyone in our lives were used to a certain dynamic of a relationship with each of us, and in some instances that was thrown off completely. When there are new relationship dynamics, there is bound to be conflict (luckily, all of which has been resolved).  

At the end of the day, it is important to recognize our roles in our relationship, to be aware of how we interact, and understand when things seem ‘off’. And it’s nice to mix it up and have a change of pace once in awhile (I love when my husband tells me what to do - wink, wink). We have to be comfortable in our roles and know that it does not mean I am the ‘bad guy’ or that he is not in control of our relationship. We have to remember that it is OUR relationship, so when the haters arise, we can ignore the judging and be happy with ‘us’ as we are!  

Mrs. Indepent?

One of the things I have been struggling with since being in a relationship is the balance of independence and partnership. Being sort of a free spirit (I say sort of because I am way too OCD to be completely free), I have always found it a challenge to be 'tied down' and feel like I have to report to someone about what I am doing and where I am going. Luckily, my husband is extremely flexible. So much so that at times I wonder if he even cares what I am up to because he is so laid back. But still, it is a struggle.

When we first started dating, David and I had very separate lives. I was living in the city, he was living in the suburbs. I was training for a marathon, he was working overtime on a political campaign. I was partying it up with my friends, he was partying it up with his friends. And when convenient (usually on Tuesdays and Saturdays) we would spend time together. Sometimes we would go to each others' friends birthday parties or events, which was nice, but we only really did so if the scheduling happened to work. It was fun! And to me, the perfect relationship. We liked spending time together, but were happy to continue to live our own lives.

Then one day, we realized that we preferred to spend time together. We met each others' families and started spending full weekends together (plus an evening or two during the week). We worked harder to coordinate our schedules and attended most parties together. And eventually, I gave in and moved to the 'burbs so we could be together (and because I wanted to own property - don't think it was all him :)). Next thing you know we were engaged and living together, spending every minute together. Slowly but surely, we became more of a unit than individuals, and my battle to maintain my independence continued. I do what I want! Okay, not really anymore without understanding it might affect someone else, but sometimes I try to...

As soon as the wedding was over, I felt such a sense of relief to have my life back. In the first month, I was able to spend more time with friends than I did in the whole year prior and it felt great! Every other night I was out and about, catching up with people, doing the activities I had done before the wedding planning madness began. I really felt like I had it all - great friends, social time out and about, and a loving partner to meet up with at home. (I still do feel this way, but have toned it down a bit, realizing I am old and tired.) It seemed like we were back at the more independent stage of our relationship, but it was fine because we live together so see each other every day. Balance? Not sure. We are clearly a work in progress.

When we got back from Nashville, I asked my husband where we were going for President's Day, since it was the next long weekend (and, as you know, he has limited vacation time). He broke the news to me that he did not want to go anywhere.  Turns out, my hubby really wanted some down time, since we have been running around since November. About a week later, I accepted a promotion at work and found out I would be starting at the end of February. This month would be the last time I could take a vacation for some time, since I would be learning a new job. So I spoke with David to make sure he did not mind (NOT to ask permission), and booked myself a trip to Prague! Woo hoo!

Yes, alone. Just me. In Prague. I love to travel alone! It makes me feel adventurous and excited, young and free, independent and vulnerable. The sights, sounds and smells of a new country are my favorite things. And I certainly do not mind navigating through it by myself - at times, I prefer it. When you travel alone, you do not have to please anyone. I can spend 15 minutes in a museum if I find it boring or hours in a cafe because I am enjoying watching the people. It is a wonderful time to get to know myself, stretch my boundaries, and see the world.

I started to mention to people that I was going away, and most assumed I would be traveling with David. Which was fine. But when I clarified that it was just me, I received reactions that were more extreme than I thought appropriate. "Is David okay with this?" "WHY?" "Is there something wrong?" "Oh my gosh, be careful. I don't like this."  Yes, he's fine. Because I want to. No, nothing is wrong. Of course I will be careful. The reactions were so strong that I stopped mentioning it to people and even asked my husband not to tell his parents. They are slightly more traditional than mine, and I knew they would be worried the whole time I was away. Interestingly, the people that I met on the trip did not find it strange (another benefit of travel - it makes people a bit more open minded). They let me know how wonderful it was, told me it was a great thing to do, and congratulated me on being newly married (and, as it always happens lately, told me how wonderful and sacred marriage is - people really do still believe in marriage, which makes me the happiest).

Traveling alone after being married for three months may seem strange to some, but not to me! And my husband did not find it strange, but was a little worried.

This was the first time I had traveled abroad alone since right after we started dating seriously, just over three years ago. I had gone on weekend getaways with girlfriends or to visit with family, but never out of the country exploring alone. I was SO excited. And the trip was great! But by day three, I realized how much I missed my husband. Everything I saw and heard I wanted to share with him. I wanted to lay next to him when I fell asleep and I wanted to hold his hand walking down the romantic streets of Prague. Had I lost my sense of adventure? Was I becoming a boring married lady? I freaked out a little, drank some more Pilsner, and continued my journey.

I have since had time to reflect, and realized that if given the choice, I would prefer to travel with my husband. In fact, I would prefer to do most things with him. Every adventure is more fun, food tastes better, stars look brighter, and the world seems nicer when he is a part of it (and yes, this is my cheesy part of today's blog). I love to share things with him and create memories with him, and traveling is one of the greatest ways for that to happen. I have not lost any of my 'self', but rather gained a partner, a true companion. And for the first time in my life, I am actually comfortable with that.

Keeping Things Spicy!

NO, not in the way I am sure you are imagining when reading this title, sorry to disappoint (I’ll get there at some point, but for now still trying to maintain some level of privacy in my new marriage).  

Last week, my husband and I were chatting and realized that we had not been on a date since we have been married (74 days to be exact – yay, we beat Kim Kardashian!).  Prior to the ‘big day’, we had a date night every Wednesday – we would do something planned as time alone together, without our smart phones or other people, time to renew our relationship and focus on us as a couple. We would take turns planning them, so each week was something different and we always did something the other person would enjoy as well. Some weeks it would be as simple as watching Netflix together, and some weeks would be a trip to the local amusement park or dinner at the restaurant where we had our second date (which was the best one in my book).

As the wedding grew closer, unfortunately our date nights were filled with wedding planning tasks – table seating, printing out table numbers, etc. And since the wedding, date night disappeared! We came back from our honeymoon to a string of events - the passing of my grandfather, Thanksgiving, the birth of my niece, the passing of a good friend’s father, Christmas, and bringing in the New Year. It has been a very busy few months and sadly our date night has gotten lost in the mix.

In my humble opinion (and yes, I can be humble), date night is vital to the success of any romantic relationship. Too often we become comfortable with each other and forget that we are even in the same room, never mind why we decided to be together. It is easy to spend all of your time together without spending any quality time together. My husband and I spend a lot of time together – we even commute to work together – but date night is when I am reminded of how important he is to me and why I value our relationship. It reminds me of when we were just getting to know each other and how much I liked everything about him (or made excuses for that which I didn’t). Date night is such an added value to our relationship. Of course, there are no requirements for implementing – it does not need to be every week or a specific day, but it does need to be planned so you both value the time together. 

Luckily, we had planned to go away this past weekend, essentially a three day date in Nashville, TN.  David was super excited because he had never been there and loves the idea of being a cowboy, and I was super excited because of the quality time we would get to spend together. I love to travel as it feels like a renewal every time I go out of town, and doing so with David has been one of my favorite things about our relationship. Having a life partner means you always have a travel buddy! We have enjoyed many short trips in our time together (few of them long, due to budget and lack of vacation time) and each one has brought us wonderful memories and shared experiences which solidify our partnership. Nashville is a great city and we had a wonderful time. We had the best food, listened to the best live music (even though it was country, I became a fan!) and drank the best Moonshine. We had touristy fun and enjoyed the local flavors, and most importantly, we enjoyed each other’s company. It was a good mini-vacation and a nice, long date.