Never go to bed angry (and other unsolicited advice).

It was in the cafeteria in high school that I first became a recipient of relationship advice. I was not seeing anyone at the time, but a friend of mine was talking about how great her relationship was with her boyfriend and told me it was because ‘we never go to bed angry’. She went on to tell me how couples should work out their issues first and always tell each other how much they love them before falling asleep.

Really? Is this the one thing that will keep your relationship going? 

Sometimes trying to finish an argument and continue talking before falling asleep is not a good idea. Instead of saying ‘I love you’ there is a risk of saying something terribly inappropriate which may scar your relationship. There are nights where going to bed is actually the best option. And while I agree that telling someone you love every day is a good idea, missing one evening does not take away from the fact you do love them.

As newlyweds, we receive quite a bit of advice. From everyone. It actually started long before we were engaged, when we first started dating. Both of us received opinions from friends and families – some of it requested in conversations about ‘dating this new guy’ or ‘making it official with this lady’, but much of it not requested at all. I heard about how I should curb some of David’s behaviors, ‘before it becomes a habit’. And my husband was told that he should find someone else because of my ‘strong’ personality (interesting that it came from someone with no personality). When we became engaged, the advice continued so that we knew when to get married, where to have the wedding, what the ceremony should include, and who to invite. And now that we are married, we hear more about how to tolerate each other on a regular basis and of course, the inevitable opinion on when, how and where to have children (with a reminder of how lucky we are to know the ‘with who’).

Obviously there is stress in receiving unsolicited advice, but there is also stress in asking for an opinion. When you bring other people into your relationship by sharing details about it, it is inevitable that their view of your partner changes. You may think that sharing a small detail about something that irks you is no big deal, but depending on the person, they may judge your husband or wife. When David and I first started dating I would tell a few of my close friends everything about our relationship, but when I realized that he was ‘my person’, it became really important to me that we maintain intimacy when it comes to the details. My husband and I each have one or two outside confidants, but really focus on keeping most things private.

While recently David and I have been on the recipient side of the ‘best advice’ game, we are also very guilty of giving unsolicited guidance. Last week I caught myself telling a good friend who is recently engaged that she should really cut down her guest list, so she can spend time with everyone during her reception. And while we were at dinner with friends, my husband and I both went on about the challenges of being married (as if we have the slightest clue). I have certainly judged the relationships of others and put in my two cents when friends and family clearly had enough of their own change. And it seems to happen more as I gain life experience.

How can we stop the vicious cycle? Sometimes advice is helpful because many couples go through similar situations. It’s nice to know that we’re all in the same boat and it would be great if we could support each other without feeling judged. So maybe while sharing experiences, we just have to remember that every relationship, every person, every situation and every bit of feedback is different. And as couples, we should be comfortable taking it all in, not allowing it to make us feel unsuccessful, and filtering it as we see fit.

But that’s just my advice.

Socially Networked

We keep hearing statistics about Facebook material being used as evidence in divorce cases.  The numbers change every time I hear something, but the end result is the same, and it makes me think about the impact of social networking on marriage.

Could social networking ruin a relationship? No. People ruin relationships. But could it have an impact on a relationship? Absolutely! And not always a positive one.

My husband asked me out on our first date via Facebook. Yes, this really happened. We had gone out on a double date, I gave him my number, and, as is now an appropriate next step, we ‘friended’ each other on this social networking site. I did not receive a phone call or text, but about a week later, a private message asking me out on a date. Who does that?! Apparently more people than I knew at the time (and I imagine many more than I know of now). I responded to him with a quick witted note about how I wouldn’t be going out with someone because they Facebook-ed me, but when he decided to pick up a phone, then perhaps we could have dinner. Clearly, he got the hint.

Social networking has continued to play a part in our relationship. When we decided to date exclusively, my husband changed his relationship status, while I decided to wait. I did not want to respond to my family and friends when receiving the inevitable ‘good for you!’ messages and posts, as though dating someone is an accomplishment. When David proposed, we called all of our close friends and family but had to ask them not to post it publicly because we wanted to make sure that our aunts received a personal phone call before seeing cousins write congratulatory notes. And then we posted our relationship status update at the same time, so neither of our sets of 'friends' felt excluded or had to hear the news from anyone else. Finally, on our wedding day, before we even left the church, there was a photo posted of us kissing for the first time.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love social networking. My ability to keep up with long lost friends and distant family makes me very happy. And I love following celebrities to learn about their ‘real life’. I feel connected without having to do much work – it’s a very easy, passive way of maintaining certain relationships and building others. But it can cause issues as well. I have had conflicts with real friends (people I spend time with on a regular basis) based on what either of us post about our activity, and I have become frustrated with family who post pictures or updates instead of calling to let me know when something happened. At times, I have become inappropriately jealous of other people’s lives, even though I am completely happy with mine. The impact of social networking is greater than we know, and apparently beginning to have a serious impact on marriage.

Twitter has given me the opportunity to follow celebrities and politicians, as well as keep up with the news without having to read a paper. At times, I will write to one of the Real Housewives and let her know what a tool she is being on the show, or re-tweet some of Tracy Morgan’s ridiculous jokes. And when the person follows me or writes me back? Best. Day. Ever. My husband has a particular concern about my adoration of Cory Booker. I find him to be smart and funny - he is one of my favorite people to follow. And he has responded to me on an occasion or two, which makes my stomach jump a little from excitement. There is no danger in my mini-crush, as I am madly in love with David and not moving to Newark anytime soon (plus, I don’t think Cory is interested), but it makes me wonder about people who may not be happy in their marriage. Instead of working on their relationship, it may be easier to use social networking as a way out. People reconnect with high school sweethearts, ex-lovers and former flames, and if you’re not secure in yourself and your relationship, it can provide some dangerous ground.

Obviously there is a much bigger discussion to have on society and values and where we are headed, but for now, I appreciate when my husband writes sweet love notes on my Facebook wall and that I am able to keep in touch with my cousin Brian, while following Cory Booker and learning about the latest news updates from CNN. Socially networked, I am.