Never go to bed angry (and other unsolicited advice).

It was in the cafeteria in high school that I first became a recipient of relationship advice. I was not seeing anyone at the time, but a friend of mine was talking about how great her relationship was with her boyfriend and told me it was because ‘we never go to bed angry’. She went on to tell me how couples should work out their issues first and always tell each other how much they love them before falling asleep.

Really? Is this the one thing that will keep your relationship going? 

Sometimes trying to finish an argument and continue talking before falling asleep is not a good idea. Instead of saying ‘I love you’ there is a risk of saying something terribly inappropriate which may scar your relationship. There are nights where going to bed is actually the best option. And while I agree that telling someone you love every day is a good idea, missing one evening does not take away from the fact you do love them.

As newlyweds, we receive quite a bit of advice. From everyone. It actually started long before we were engaged, when we first started dating. Both of us received opinions from friends and families – some of it requested in conversations about ‘dating this new guy’ or ‘making it official with this lady’, but much of it not requested at all. I heard about how I should curb some of David’s behaviors, ‘before it becomes a habit’. And my husband was told that he should find someone else because of my ‘strong’ personality (interesting that it came from someone with no personality). When we became engaged, the advice continued so that we knew when to get married, where to have the wedding, what the ceremony should include, and who to invite. And now that we are married, we hear more about how to tolerate each other on a regular basis and of course, the inevitable opinion on when, how and where to have children (with a reminder of how lucky we are to know the ‘with who’).

Obviously there is stress in receiving unsolicited advice, but there is also stress in asking for an opinion. When you bring other people into your relationship by sharing details about it, it is inevitable that their view of your partner changes. You may think that sharing a small detail about something that irks you is no big deal, but depending on the person, they may judge your husband or wife. When David and I first started dating I would tell a few of my close friends everything about our relationship, but when I realized that he was ‘my person’, it became really important to me that we maintain intimacy when it comes to the details. My husband and I each have one or two outside confidants, but really focus on keeping most things private.

While recently David and I have been on the recipient side of the ‘best advice’ game, we are also very guilty of giving unsolicited guidance. Last week I caught myself telling a good friend who is recently engaged that she should really cut down her guest list, so she can spend time with everyone during her reception. And while we were at dinner with friends, my husband and I both went on about the challenges of being married (as if we have the slightest clue). I have certainly judged the relationships of others and put in my two cents when friends and family clearly had enough of their own change. And it seems to happen more as I gain life experience.

How can we stop the vicious cycle? Sometimes advice is helpful because many couples go through similar situations. It’s nice to know that we’re all in the same boat and it would be great if we could support each other without feeling judged. So maybe while sharing experiences, we just have to remember that every relationship, every person, every situation and every bit of feedback is different. And as couples, we should be comfortable taking it all in, not allowing it to make us feel unsuccessful, and filtering it as we see fit.

But that’s just my advice.

Without a Plan

As you may have learned by now, I can be a bit obsessively compulsively organized, efficient and planned in my day to day life. I tend to foreshadow more than is appropriate and plan for every good, bad, and life threatening situation. I will have a random brush with spontaneity and plan a last minute vacation, but will only go if I know it is well planned (just done so on short notice).

So when my husband told me that the only thing he wanted for his birthday this year was an unplanned weekend away, I immediately considered the quickest escape and clicked my heels three times, but was still standing there to respond (finally), ‘Sure, honey, if that’s what you want’.

The anxiety began about 10 seconds later and continued until our return from the birthday weekend. Knowing this would make him happy was the only reason it materialized, and this was the greatest gift he will ever receive. David should realize now that his present request this year was a guest wife for a weekend.  And I sure hope he liked it, because it will never happen again.

We decided (we?) to head upstate to wine country in Orange County, NY, but that was the only decision that was made prior to our departure. After work on Friday, which was his actual birthday, we just started driving north. David drove while I Google-d nearby places to stay and restaurants in case of an emergency. We stopped on route to take in the views of the Hudson River from the mountains and watch the sunset. Yes, sunset. And this is when my level of stress increased dramatically.

My husband could not understand why I became a bit frazzled at 9pm as we were just picking the restaurant for dinner and still had nowhere to sleep. The major difference in our levels of concern here are due to the fact that he would be fine with staying at a motel where you have the option of paying by the hour or the night, and I prefer to not have to check for bed bugs or bodily fluids when I arrive. It was taking all of my patience, kindness and good will to remember that it was his actual birthday and I had to be nice ALL DAY. 

During the appetizers, David started chatting up the locals and attempting to make a reservation at nearby Bed & Breakfasts (which, inevitably, were all booked). And then he gave in and let me recommend a Hilton Garden Inn about 15 miles away. We arrived and luckily were able to get a room (just for one night – Saturday there were two weddings and no rooms available).

I should let you know that from the time David proposed his ideal birthday gift to the moment we got in the car, I continued to remind him that I really was not planning anything, as per his request. Apparently he did not believe me, because at this point in the weekend he admitted that he ‘assumed I had a backup plan’. Ugh.

The good news was that he values my insanity when it comes to planning! The bad news was that I really did not have a plan. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the rest of the weekend was being planned in my head as we were having this conversation. 

So the next morning when we woke up, we made reservations for that evening at a Bed & Breakfast and then I became the tour guide of Orange County. We visited Orange County Choppers, toured six different wineries, and did a little shopping and eating along the way. On Sunday we had a lovely drive down the other side of the river, visiting Farmer’s Markets and castles, enjoying each other’s company and the sunshine. Overall, it was a great weekend.

I realized that David made this birthday request because I am generally too focused on the plan. A perfectionist by trade, I have a hard time letting go which can then lead to a hard time enjoying life. My husband is so laid back and lacks any interest in planning, so my behavior has a huge impact on his happiness as well. Not only did he want me to not ‘get crazy’, but he also wanted us to enjoy his birthday in the way that he prefers. We are all a work in progress, and this is definitely something I am working on – I’m just happy to have a partner who understands me and tries to push me at the same time.

But next time, I will definitely have a backup plan. I can always cancel if needed. J