Without a Plan

As you may have learned by now, I can be a bit obsessively compulsively organized, efficient and planned in my day to day life. I tend to foreshadow more than is appropriate and plan for every good, bad, and life threatening situation. I will have a random brush with spontaneity and plan a last minute vacation, but will only go if I know it is well planned (just done so on short notice).

So when my husband told me that the only thing he wanted for his birthday this year was an unplanned weekend away, I immediately considered the quickest escape and clicked my heels three times, but was still standing there to respond (finally), ‘Sure, honey, if that’s what you want’.

The anxiety began about 10 seconds later and continued until our return from the birthday weekend. Knowing this would make him happy was the only reason it materialized, and this was the greatest gift he will ever receive. David should realize now that his present request this year was a guest wife for a weekend.  And I sure hope he liked it, because it will never happen again.

We decided (we?) to head upstate to wine country in Orange County, NY, but that was the only decision that was made prior to our departure. After work on Friday, which was his actual birthday, we just started driving north. David drove while I Google-d nearby places to stay and restaurants in case of an emergency. We stopped on route to take in the views of the Hudson River from the mountains and watch the sunset. Yes, sunset. And this is when my level of stress increased dramatically.

My husband could not understand why I became a bit frazzled at 9pm as we were just picking the restaurant for dinner and still had nowhere to sleep. The major difference in our levels of concern here are due to the fact that he would be fine with staying at a motel where you have the option of paying by the hour or the night, and I prefer to not have to check for bed bugs or bodily fluids when I arrive. It was taking all of my patience, kindness and good will to remember that it was his actual birthday and I had to be nice ALL DAY. 

During the appetizers, David started chatting up the locals and attempting to make a reservation at nearby Bed & Breakfasts (which, inevitably, were all booked). And then he gave in and let me recommend a Hilton Garden Inn about 15 miles away. We arrived and luckily were able to get a room (just for one night – Saturday there were two weddings and no rooms available).

I should let you know that from the time David proposed his ideal birthday gift to the moment we got in the car, I continued to remind him that I really was not planning anything, as per his request. Apparently he did not believe me, because at this point in the weekend he admitted that he ‘assumed I had a backup plan’. Ugh.

The good news was that he values my insanity when it comes to planning! The bad news was that I really did not have a plan. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the rest of the weekend was being planned in my head as we were having this conversation. 

So the next morning when we woke up, we made reservations for that evening at a Bed & Breakfast and then I became the tour guide of Orange County. We visited Orange County Choppers, toured six different wineries, and did a little shopping and eating along the way. On Sunday we had a lovely drive down the other side of the river, visiting Farmer’s Markets and castles, enjoying each other’s company and the sunshine. Overall, it was a great weekend.

I realized that David made this birthday request because I am generally too focused on the plan. A perfectionist by trade, I have a hard time letting go which can then lead to a hard time enjoying life. My husband is so laid back and lacks any interest in planning, so my behavior has a huge impact on his happiness as well. Not only did he want me to not ‘get crazy’, but he also wanted us to enjoy his birthday in the way that he prefers. We are all a work in progress, and this is definitely something I am working on – I’m just happy to have a partner who understands me and tries to push me at the same time.

But next time, I will definitely have a backup plan. I can always cancel if needed. J

'Tis the Season

The holiday season is upon us, which means increased spending, compromising on time with family and lack of intimacy due to a whole lot of stress – some of the top reasons couples divorce, put into a five week period when the days are shorter and the lines are longer. AACK! Luckily, it also means remembering how much you love someone when you open that special gift, renewing your faith in each other during that New Year’s kiss and taking time to appreciate your crazy families in hopes that the one you create will be toned down just a tad.

I am pretty lucky, though. Being a newlywed means that the increased spending is allowed this year because we have limited financial obligations, and we are still excited to be intimate (wink, wink) regardless of how busy or stressed. The one challenge I have is the family sharing. David is happy to spend time with either of our families, regardless of which holiday or how much time. I am a bit selfish when it comes to this. Please refer to previous posts regarding my affinity for change.

Growing up, we all have our own holiday traditions. My family does everything on a very large scale. We always have groups of at least 15-20, with tons of food, alcohol and millions of presents. There have been Thanksgivings where a drunk grandparent sang old war songs and my Dad built a table the size of the living room to seat us all. On Christmas, my parents make us feel like we are 10 years old and spoil us rotten, even though it is long past the time that is considered appropriate. We wear matching pajamas and share funny Hallmark cards, and then spend the evening with our extended family doing the traditional Secret Santa exchange. Football is always on in the background, and karaoke usually makes an appearance. Then there is always a late night fire in the backyard, which now includes David’s obsession with marshmallows and toasting. 

A few years ago, everything changed. My sister and cousin were both expecting babies so were not able to come to Thanksgiving or Christmas. David and I had become serious so decided to split the holidays. It was (is) hard. What I was accustomed to for years and years suddenly became the past. Now don’t get me wrong – my new family is wonderful and I love spending time with them. My Suegra’s stuffing is amazing and my Suegro’s sense of humor cracks me up. But it is different. And sometimes I miss the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

I suppose that’s what marriage is all about – family, sharing, compromise, flexibility and of course, love. It is not always easy, it is not always comfortable, but it is ours. And this year, among the travel between families and the mounds of wrapping paper, I am most grateful for the best gift I have ever received – my husband.