Newlyweight

A dilemma I have found as someone who is recently married is the feeling of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Okay, this is not exactly true - I feel it more on my butt, hips and thighs. Since that magical day just four months ago, the flabby arms have returned, the bloated feeling after eating too much has become more regular, and my husband and I can best be described as lethargic. We have been wining and dining, and not moving all that much, and now we have a serious problem in our marriage - newlyweight.


Newlyweight [noo-lee-weyt] noun - weight gained post matrimony, due to relief of stress, lack of concern over fitting in set attire, realization of unconditional love, and general happiness.


As many brides do, I made an effort to lose weight prior to the wedding. My focus was to look my very best, while still looking like myself, so I worked out, tried to eat right and took good care of myself. I was able to lose weight, but more importantly felt confident walking down that aisle. And during the process, I dragged my husband along with me, so he also dropped a few pounds (which of course, everyone noticed first - isn't this always the way?). After the wedding, we went on our honeymoon and this was the start of the downfall - all you can eat, all you can drink, and two people coming off a 'high' from a very stressful and exciting day. And since the honeymoon, we have been busy and lazy and not having an event to look forward to, so here we are with some extra weight.

I have found weight can become an issue in many relationships. When you start dating someone, you tend to eat out more, and as you become more serious, you tend to stay in more. Then you become engaged and focus on losing weight, and then you get married and lose focus. The babies come and it goes into a completely new world (which, frankly, frightens me). The level of comfort obtained in being a loving relationship can make someone who has a tendency to gain weight easily do just that. While being in love is a wonderful thing, it is vital to remember to love yourself and take care of yourself in order to be a true partner. As happy as the take out and ice cream make me, I much prefer waking up and loving how I look in the first outfit I try on for the day. And I do believe my husband will appreciate me not taking it out on him when we are running late because of my 12 outfit changes.

I wish I could say 'our battle with weight continues', but honestly we have yet to put on the armor! We know what to do and how to do it, and now we just have to make it a priority in our marriage.  More to come, friends, more to come...

Playing with Roles

Last week, I was watching the premiere of one of my favorite reality shows, Bethenny Ever After, and something Bethenny talked about also rings true in my marriage. I must make a note here – because of my ridiculous addiction to reality television, I have given it up for Lent this year. More to come on that later. Bethenny was talking about how everyone loves her husband Jason and talks about wonderful and amazing he is, leaving her to be the ‘bad guy’ in their marriage. This made me think about roles in relationships, and how my husband and I are viewed and compared.

My husband is the epitome of “the nice guy”. He is kind, loving, caring, passive, friendly, and funny, and everyone loves him. Everyone. All of my friends told me to marry him upon their first meeting and my family adores him. They love him more than golf or scotch, which is kind of a big deal. David is the kind of guy that no one has a conflict with ever – he is laid back and generally pleasant, all the time. So this is what the world sees (as do I, hence the marriage). But there is another side to my husband that people may not see right away, and may never know. David is stubborn and loves to procrastinate. He is messy and can be over affectionate. He likes to always be ‘right’ and win arguments and has a vast knowledge of random facts that are interesting for about five minutes. His taste in music and television are very different than mine, so we argue over the DVR at home and the radio station on long road trips. But only I get to see these traits, while the rest of the world tells me how lucky I am because he is so wonderful and amazing.

On the other hand, I am loud, obnoxious, funny, obsessive, bold, aggressive and ridiculous, and never miss an opportunity to give my opinion. People love me too, but those are usually my kind of people, not always the general public. I can be overbearing and abrupt, but will do anything for my friends or family, and know how to throw a great party. This is what the world sees, and compared to my husband, the perception can be that I am the aggressor (not completely false), that I ‘control’ our relationship (not always true) and am the master of our domain (I wish!). And I do believe that at times my David enjoys this view. When he does not feel like socializing with his friends, they will always assume it is because of me – not necessarily that I told him not to go, but that he would not go out of some strange fear. And when he does not want to clean the house, he tells me it is because he knows I would not like it done his way due to my obsessive nature. Finally, when we argue, it is clearly my fault because, as everyone knows, I am the one who created this relationship dynamic and the argument is usually because we have gone off track.

I do believe this is the situation for every relationship. We each have roles that make us most comfortable. In our case, David prefers to be passive, and I prefer to be aggressive. There are days that I would LOVE to take a backseat and let him do everything, but that just does not happen. It is not his personality to do so, and inevitably I would be unhappy with the change, and we are quickly back at square one. With these roles in relationships comes outside perceptions and views, and we are all guilty of being judgmental. I have often thought of how ‘mean’ one partner is to the other and ‘controlling’ they are in their relationship. But, at the end of the day, it is their relationship, not mine. And somehow, it works for them. Who am I to tell them what works? I certainly would not want their opinion on my marriage.  

My favorite thing is to compare our relationship to others. It is very clear that we have people in our lives whose relationship roles we mirror:

Theresa is similar to...	David is similar to...
Theresa’s Mom	Theresa’s Dad
David’s Mom	David’s Dad
Theresa’s Brother-in-Law	Theresa’s Sister
Bethenny Frankel	Jason Hoppy
Kris Jenner	Bruce Jenner
Most of David’s friends	Most of David’s friends’ partners
Most of Theresa’s friends’ partners	Most of Theresa’s friends
Ellen Degeneres	Portia DeRossi
Michelle Obama	Barack Obama

It is very clear that we play similar roles to other relationships we have been in, or those we viewed growing up. In both of our parents’ relationships, our fathers were more laid back while our mothers were more assertive. David has always been surrounded by strong personalities among his family and friends, while I tend to be the stronger personality among my family and friends. It is no wonder that when we first became serious, there were some conflicts. Everyone in our lives were used to a certain dynamic of a relationship with each of us, and in some instances that was thrown off completely. When there are new relationship dynamics, there is bound to be conflict (luckily, all of which has been resolved).  

At the end of the day, it is important to recognize our roles in our relationship, to be aware of how we interact, and understand when things seem ‘off’. And it’s nice to mix it up and have a change of pace once in awhile (I love when my husband tells me what to do - wink, wink). We have to be comfortable in our roles and know that it does not mean I am the ‘bad guy’ or that he is not in control of our relationship. We have to remember that it is OUR relationship, so when the haters arise, we can ignore the judging and be happy with ‘us’ as we are!  

Mrs. Indepent?

One of the things I have been struggling with since being in a relationship is the balance of independence and partnership. Being sort of a free spirit (I say sort of because I am way too OCD to be completely free), I have always found it a challenge to be 'tied down' and feel like I have to report to someone about what I am doing and where I am going. Luckily, my husband is extremely flexible. So much so that at times I wonder if he even cares what I am up to because he is so laid back. But still, it is a struggle.

When we first started dating, David and I had very separate lives. I was living in the city, he was living in the suburbs. I was training for a marathon, he was working overtime on a political campaign. I was partying it up with my friends, he was partying it up with his friends. And when convenient (usually on Tuesdays and Saturdays) we would spend time together. Sometimes we would go to each others' friends birthday parties or events, which was nice, but we only really did so if the scheduling happened to work. It was fun! And to me, the perfect relationship. We liked spending time together, but were happy to continue to live our own lives.

Then one day, we realized that we preferred to spend time together. We met each others' families and started spending full weekends together (plus an evening or two during the week). We worked harder to coordinate our schedules and attended most parties together. And eventually, I gave in and moved to the 'burbs so we could be together (and because I wanted to own property - don't think it was all him :)). Next thing you know we were engaged and living together, spending every minute together. Slowly but surely, we became more of a unit than individuals, and my battle to maintain my independence continued. I do what I want! Okay, not really anymore without understanding it might affect someone else, but sometimes I try to...

As soon as the wedding was over, I felt such a sense of relief to have my life back. In the first month, I was able to spend more time with friends than I did in the whole year prior and it felt great! Every other night I was out and about, catching up with people, doing the activities I had done before the wedding planning madness began. I really felt like I had it all - great friends, social time out and about, and a loving partner to meet up with at home. (I still do feel this way, but have toned it down a bit, realizing I am old and tired.) It seemed like we were back at the more independent stage of our relationship, but it was fine because we live together so see each other every day. Balance? Not sure. We are clearly a work in progress.

When we got back from Nashville, I asked my husband where we were going for President's Day, since it was the next long weekend (and, as you know, he has limited vacation time). He broke the news to me that he did not want to go anywhere.  Turns out, my hubby really wanted some down time, since we have been running around since November. About a week later, I accepted a promotion at work and found out I would be starting at the end of February. This month would be the last time I could take a vacation for some time, since I would be learning a new job. So I spoke with David to make sure he did not mind (NOT to ask permission), and booked myself a trip to Prague! Woo hoo!

Yes, alone. Just me. In Prague. I love to travel alone! It makes me feel adventurous and excited, young and free, independent and vulnerable. The sights, sounds and smells of a new country are my favorite things. And I certainly do not mind navigating through it by myself - at times, I prefer it. When you travel alone, you do not have to please anyone. I can spend 15 minutes in a museum if I find it boring or hours in a cafe because I am enjoying watching the people. It is a wonderful time to get to know myself, stretch my boundaries, and see the world.

I started to mention to people that I was going away, and most assumed I would be traveling with David. Which was fine. But when I clarified that it was just me, I received reactions that were more extreme than I thought appropriate. "Is David okay with this?" "WHY?" "Is there something wrong?" "Oh my gosh, be careful. I don't like this."  Yes, he's fine. Because I want to. No, nothing is wrong. Of course I will be careful. The reactions were so strong that I stopped mentioning it to people and even asked my husband not to tell his parents. They are slightly more traditional than mine, and I knew they would be worried the whole time I was away. Interestingly, the people that I met on the trip did not find it strange (another benefit of travel - it makes people a bit more open minded). They let me know how wonderful it was, told me it was a great thing to do, and congratulated me on being newly married (and, as it always happens lately, told me how wonderful and sacred marriage is - people really do still believe in marriage, which makes me the happiest).

Traveling alone after being married for three months may seem strange to some, but not to me! And my husband did not find it strange, but was a little worried.

This was the first time I had traveled abroad alone since right after we started dating seriously, just over three years ago. I had gone on weekend getaways with girlfriends or to visit with family, but never out of the country exploring alone. I was SO excited. And the trip was great! But by day three, I realized how much I missed my husband. Everything I saw and heard I wanted to share with him. I wanted to lay next to him when I fell asleep and I wanted to hold his hand walking down the romantic streets of Prague. Had I lost my sense of adventure? Was I becoming a boring married lady? I freaked out a little, drank some more Pilsner, and continued my journey.

I have since had time to reflect, and realized that if given the choice, I would prefer to travel with my husband. In fact, I would prefer to do most things with him. Every adventure is more fun, food tastes better, stars look brighter, and the world seems nicer when he is a part of it (and yes, this is my cheesy part of today's blog). I love to share things with him and create memories with him, and traveling is one of the greatest ways for that to happen. I have not lost any of my 'self', but rather gained a partner, a true companion. And for the first time in my life, I am actually comfortable with that.

Is This Reality?

Reality shows have taken over the airwaves, and I am a huge fan. I love keeping up with the Kardashians and considering the life of a 'Real' mob, baseball or hip hop wife. The shows are hilarious and a break from my reality, so it has become my outlet. I probably spend way too much time in front of a television in any given week, but by watching these 'real' people act in a ridiculous and inappropriate manner, I am able to escape from whatever stressful situation I find myself in at the time. This is definitely not my reality, but it makes me think about the reality that each of us create in our own relationships.

My husband always teases me about being dishonest with him from our first date. He was giving me a ride home, playing a cd with some remixed songs from the 90‘s, and apparently I went on and on about how I LOVE remixes. Which was a lie. I hate remixes and feel that they just lengthen songs that already go on forever. I would beg to differ that I went on and on about it, but I do remember saying that his cd was the coolest. In the beginning of every relationship, there is a huge lack of reality. Each party is trying to impress the other, which leads to not telling the full truth about general likes and dislikes. And people are usually quite guarded, so try not to share too much personal information, past history, or political views. Even women who pride themselves on being completely ‘real’ are quite the opposite during this phase. From the remixes to a love of steak and vegetables, the fibs continued during this first stage of our relationship.

As time went on, we became much more comfortable and honest with each other - sometimes too honest. In addition to sharing everything, at this point partners begin to have serious opinions about each other, nagging about clothing or food choices, because obviously we know what is best for the other person. I will never forget the first time David had an opinion about my family. It was nothing serious, just a thought on travel for the holidays, but two things came to my mind. Number one, “this is MY family, who are you to have an opinion”. Number two, “oh my, you might become a part of my family”. At this stage in a relationship, you really get to know each other and decide if the quirks and reality of the situation are something you like or dislike, and something you are prepared to enjoy or tolerate for the rest of your life!

The problem with some of the reality television stars is that they skip a phase or two of this increased honesty. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were engaged after three months of dating, and married just weeks after. I would have been married a long time ago if I thought three months was a good gauge of my future with a person. In the first three months, couples are still being wined and dined and have not likely had an argument yet. It is not a shock that their marriage was so short, but I will say, now having watched Kim’s breakdown on her show, clearly they never reached a space of honesty in their relationship. What a mess. 

Then comes marriage. The ultimate honest, open relationship. Right? Or is it still okay to fib once in awhile? On our honeymoon, there was karaoke at the resort, and my husband loves karaoke. Loves. I do not. And, for the record, I have been honest about this. Everyone has a hit or miss song once in awhile, so sometimes David’s pitch is not 100%, but he loves it so much that I would never tell him. And in fact, on our honeymoon, I engaged a group of other couples to cheer him on during his performance. Not completely honest behavior, but I had only the best intention. When my husband played back the video I had taken, he realized it was not his best performance and was on to my game. But at the time, it made him feel good, which made me feel good. Sometimes I hope he is not being completely honest with me, and other times, I hope he is. There is a fine line between being open and honest, while respecting your partner’s feelings.

The tricky part is when you think you are protecting their feelings, but the other person would prefer you be completely honest. Every time we go out, I ask my husband how I look, and every time he responds the same - “beautiful”. Now I know this may be a trick question to some, but I am actually looking for an honest answer. I want to know if I look fat or if my hair is frizzy or my makeup uneven. Frightened of hurting my feelings, David will never tell me the whole truth. Sometimes he will elude to their being an issue, but never say exactly what it is. So now, we take pictures! I make him take pictures of me from the back every time we go out, so I know exactly how big my butt looks. And it works better for both of us. While I am very comfortable being honest, my husband is very protective of others’ feelings, so we strike a balance in the honesty game.

No matter how ‘real’ television may become, in marriage you and your partner create your own reality. It has to be what works for both of you, and it has to be as honest and true to your relationship as possible. I will never tell David when he has a bad night at karaoke, and he will never tell me that I look chunky in a sweater dress. But we are honest when any big issues arise, and that is what is important. Keep it real, folks!

Keeping Things Spicy!

NO, not in the way I am sure you are imagining when reading this title, sorry to disappoint (I’ll get there at some point, but for now still trying to maintain some level of privacy in my new marriage).  

Last week, my husband and I were chatting and realized that we had not been on a date since we have been married (74 days to be exact – yay, we beat Kim Kardashian!).  Prior to the ‘big day’, we had a date night every Wednesday – we would do something planned as time alone together, without our smart phones or other people, time to renew our relationship and focus on us as a couple. We would take turns planning them, so each week was something different and we always did something the other person would enjoy as well. Some weeks it would be as simple as watching Netflix together, and some weeks would be a trip to the local amusement park or dinner at the restaurant where we had our second date (which was the best one in my book).

As the wedding grew closer, unfortunately our date nights were filled with wedding planning tasks – table seating, printing out table numbers, etc. And since the wedding, date night disappeared! We came back from our honeymoon to a string of events - the passing of my grandfather, Thanksgiving, the birth of my niece, the passing of a good friend’s father, Christmas, and bringing in the New Year. It has been a very busy few months and sadly our date night has gotten lost in the mix.

In my humble opinion (and yes, I can be humble), date night is vital to the success of any romantic relationship. Too often we become comfortable with each other and forget that we are even in the same room, never mind why we decided to be together. It is easy to spend all of your time together without spending any quality time together. My husband and I spend a lot of time together – we even commute to work together – but date night is when I am reminded of how important he is to me and why I value our relationship. It reminds me of when we were just getting to know each other and how much I liked everything about him (or made excuses for that which I didn’t). Date night is such an added value to our relationship. Of course, there are no requirements for implementing – it does not need to be every week or a specific day, but it does need to be planned so you both value the time together. 

Luckily, we had planned to go away this past weekend, essentially a three day date in Nashville, TN.  David was super excited because he had never been there and loves the idea of being a cowboy, and I was super excited because of the quality time we would get to spend together. I love to travel as it feels like a renewal every time I go out of town, and doing so with David has been one of my favorite things about our relationship. Having a life partner means you always have a travel buddy! We have enjoyed many short trips in our time together (few of them long, due to budget and lack of vacation time) and each one has brought us wonderful memories and shared experiences which solidify our partnership. Nashville is a great city and we had a wonderful time. We had the best food, listened to the best live music (even though it was country, I became a fan!) and drank the best Moonshine. We had touristy fun and enjoyed the local flavors, and most importantly, we enjoyed each other’s company. It was a good mini-vacation and a nice, long date. 

Living Together Forever?

Recently, I was chatting with a friend of mine who just moved in with her boyfriend and we were discussing all of the challenges that brings. There are a few schools of thought on living together, but one thing is consistent for most people I know – it can be very difficult.  

Last week, I came home after a long day of work and dinner with friends to find my husband sitting on the couch, playing on the internet and watching This Old House. His shoes meet me at the entrance to the living room and his mail and other papers are all over the dining room table. The dishes sit in the sink from last night, the laundry is piling up and the house is still decorated for Christmas. An argument ensues because I am tired and feel like I am the only one who ever cleans our house. 

David and I moved in together a year ago, which was four months after we became engaged. We waited for some time for a variety of reasons, but most of all because we were both used to living alone. The last roommates I had were in grad school, when I was living in Ohio. Everyone is nice in Ohio. It was a three bedroom apartment. And it was 11 years ago. My ability to tolerate other people 24/7 has decreased tremendously since that time. Since then, I have been messy, able to order takeout on a whim, eaten pints of ice cream without feeling fat, taken my laundry to someone and paid them to do it, and received notices from Con Ed because I had not used gas in months and they thought something was wrong. I lived the epitome of the single life, and frankly, I loved it. No sharing of the bathroom, the cable, the sheets, the food, the space. No consideration of timing, guests, closet space, music choice or where to sit on the couch. And for some reason, any mess that was present when I lived alone was not a bother. There were days I left the dishes and would drop my shoes, coat, etc. wherever. But now that he’s here all the time and the ‘stuff’ is doubled, I find it terribly frustrating.

Another reason we waited was more purposeful. Moving in together is tough. I did not want to live with David until I really had to, until we were what I considered permanent. My fears were that if he saw how I lived and did not like it, or if I saw how he lived and did not like it, we would give up and go our separate ways. I did not think it would be fair to either of us if we used living together to assess our relationship. Old school as it may seem, these can be muddy waters if you are not sure where your relationship is headed. I believed that if we were going to commit to marriage, to a lifetime together, we would have to be able to get through many things and living together will likely be the least of our upcoming challenges. Of course, every relationship is different and I am certainly not a judge of what works for others. I just knew it would not work for me.

Now, back to the ongoing argument of ‘who does more’ (which, from what I understand, only gets much worse when children join the family). Both of us always feel that we do more than the other and David is actually assigned more chores, but that is simply because I finish them. For example, he does the laundry. One might assume that means sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away. In his case, it means sorting, washing, drying, leaving in a basket in the living room for a week. This is where I step in and finish the job. Always a fan of teamwork, I certainly do not mind helping out, but would love coming home to a clean house without having to ask my co-captain. So the argument continues…

But let’s not forget the perks of living together, of which there are many. It is such a joy to come home and have someone that loves you most in the world sitting on the couch, happy to see you and ask about your day. The test of the chore list is nothing compared to knowing you have a partner in the battle against your noisy neighbors, the occasional bug, or the management company. And there is nothing better than setting the table for the delicious homemade meal that completely trumps any option for takeout. My husband has made our house a home in so many ways – reorganizing our kitchen so everything fits better, making the bed every single day, fixing everything that needs to be fixed, getting us the new super quiet toilet seat, and remembering the names of all of the Real Housewives even though my love of Bravo irks him completely. At the end of the day, living together is just a piece of the partner puzzle – a challenging, exciting, wonderful puzzle that will never be complete. And maybe that’s the best part. 

Post Nuptial Depression and the Year of Fun

We are already a week in to 2012 (wow, that went fast!), so instead of writing about a New Year’s resolution that will undoubtedly vanish within six weeks, I thought it would be a great time to let you know about a resolution my husband and I made right before our wedding.

Before we got married, I became fearful of the inevitable post nuptial depression. I heard many rumors about it, friends who had gotten married before me had it, and I even had a small case of it after performing my duties as Maid of Honor for my sister’s wedding. 

post nup-tial de-pres-sion  [pohst nuhp-shuh l dih-presh-uh n] noun - condition of sadness and emotional dejection warranted by the loss of excitement after a super fun, big fat wedding.

Yes, there is the honeymoon and of course the joy of starting your life together, but the depression is real and I would venture to guess that most new wives have experienced it in some form. From a very young age, we are told that a wedding is the ‘biggest day of your life’. We receive instruction from family, friends and the media on dating, finding a groom, planning a wedding, saying yes to a dress, not being a ‘Bridezilla’ and everything in between. And after becoming engaged, we spend a year discussing and planning the event, and celebrating the fact that the day is coming. The build up to your wedding day is tremendous and takes up all of your time as the day nears. Then, finally, after 32 years of listening and one year of plotting, you enjoy a magical 10 hours, surrounded by everyone in the world who loves you the most.  How could you not be depressed when all of that excitement comes to a sudden halt? And how could I prevent this from happening to me?

My husband suggested scrapbooking as a way to reminisce about the good times we had planning the wedding (a favorite pastime of mine as well). I thought about how happy I would be to get back to ‘regular’ life, spending time with friends and going to exercise classes. We also considered all of the pressure we had been under in the 15 months leading up to the wedding, saving our money and not doing too much of anything else. Together we came up with the best idea to avoid the post nuptial depression and resolve to be happily married – a year of fun.

year of fun [yeer uhv fuhn] noun - a period of 366 days (a leap year in this case) where David and Theresa will spend married life doing activities that provide mirth and amusement

Our Year of Fun to do list (although the point is there is nothing we must do):

Travel – as much as possible! We are booked for Nashville, San Antonio, and Italy so far, and will be taking other trips throughout the year to visit family and friends.

Spend $$ – New oven, new furniture, new clothes, new electronics, new beginnings!

Party – like rock stars, pretending we can still hang, and attempting to stay up past 1am. I may be too old for this one, but the Year of Fun is a team effort.

Holidays - celebrate when we feel like it, and how we feel like it.  We decided to go ahead for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but skipped putting up a tree and spent less on stocking stuffers. Valentine’s Day is definitely off the list, but St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are in the queue.

Discover – learn as much as possible. We are taking cooking classes and dance classes, and my efforts to learn Spanish will happen this year. We are going to explore our community more, and join teams and clubs of interest.

Family and Friends – spend as much quality time with them when we can, celebrate everyone in our lives, but also feel comfortable saying ‘no’ when we cannot. Or when we don’t feel like it.  

The concept is easy – we plan on doing what we want this year. And not doing what we don’t want. And the only rule is that we do not discuss anything of a serious manner – no talk about job searches, house buying, or conceiving children, and no arguing over petty issues that arise. There won’t be many years in the future where we will have the opportunity to be as selfish as we can be today – babies will come, mortgages will grow, careers will need attention. But today, this year, we are young and free and focused on FUN! 

Not a bad resolution, is it?