A Good Night's Sleep

We bought a new bed!  Hooray!  Most of you will not understand the significance of this purchase, but it is indeed momentous.

First, I should share that for the past 18 months (and prior to that when we slept at ‘my’ apartment), we have been sleeping on a full size bed. This may not seem like an issue to many, but one would need to understand our sizes to really appreciate our ability to share this space. My husband is 74” tall and probably 22” wide when lying down. I am 63” tall and probably 26” wide when lying down (my friends refer to them as ‘child bearing’ hips). So together, our dimensions lying down are 74” x 48”. A full size bed is 75” x 54”.

Second, the mattress we had been sleeping on was a hand-me-down that was probably about 30 years old. My obsessive nature led me to cover it with an egg crate and mattress pad as well as a double sheet, but none of that could prevent us both rolling into the middle of the bed every night and finding it almost impossible to get out of the bed every morning.

Needless to say, sleeping had not been that comfortable. We had no choice but to be in each other’s space, and David likes to cuddle and spoon – both of which I try to avoid at all costs.

One might wonder why we were in this situation for so long, and this is honestly all my fault. I am terribly indecisive when it comes to what I consider a major purchase. After research and testing, reading and trying things out, I freeze. I suppose it all aligns with my general commitment issues (and yes, I somehow made it to marriage – anything is possible).  Instead of making a choice, I simply stop.

When I purchased my apartment three and a half years ago, the oven did not work. So I checked out some ovens online, went shopping, and then learned to use my crockpot to the best of its ability. Finally, this year, my husband had enough of my barbecue chicken and we bought a new oven. And I couldn’t be happier!  It’s perfect and I can bake again. Then one day David bought us a bed frame to match our bedroom set and I knew what was coming. We drove to Sleepy’s, and an hour later we had purchased our first QUEEN size bed together. And now, we can sleep happily ever after. If I don’t give my husband enough credit, here it is – thank you for making me uncomfortable for 20-60 minutes, so I can be comfortable every night in our home.

By the way, did I mention my car died?  Let’s see how long this purchase takes…

Lessons Learned

This weekend, my parents will be celebrating their 40^th wedding anniversary.  Their marriage has had a tremendous impact on my life, so I wanted to share some of the lessons I have learned.

Be a team.

As children, we all test our parents to see if we can get one of them to go against the other and approve a request. My sister and I tried this a few times, and of course, it never worked. My parents have always been a unit. Sometimes my Mom is the captain and sometimes my Dad is the coach, but they are always wearing the same team jersey. They are each other's biggest fans and strongest defenders. And while they may not always agree, no one else would know – they praise in public, and criticize in private. I have learned that this unity is vital to a successful marriage.

Love unconditionally.

My father's ability to zone out the world while reading the newspaper irks my mother, and my mother's need to change the location of everything in the kitchen once a month for 'fun' irks my father, but at the end of the day, they both see the big picture in each other. They may not like everything about each other, but they love each other unconditionally. I have learned that this is not an easy task, but it is essential to making a marriage work.

Keep the faith.

One of my fondest memories from childhood was listening to the Top 40 Countdown on the way to church every Sunday (and getting bagels on the way home). My parents’ focus was on the destination - they have always been active members of our faith community, and have dedicated their lives to providing Catholic education to others. God has remained an integral part of their marriage, which has helped them keep the faith in each other. I have learned that this faith will get you through the hard times and make the easy times even easier.  

Laugh. A lot.

There has not been one day spent with my parents without laughter and joy. Whether it was my Dad ‘mooning’ my Mom at Jones Beach or my Mom playing April Fools’ jokes on my Dad, and even during the wakes of loved ones and visits to the hospital, laughter has always been a part of their marriage. I have learned that marriage should be fun and you have to be able to laugh at yourself and each other.

Give generously.

When I question my parents for being too generous, they usually respond with, ‘what’s the worst thing they could put on my tombstone – that I gave too much?’ My parents have always given more than they have and they never say no to someone in need. Their annual contributions to charity make them a target for the IRS (I suppose it’s unbelievable now that people are generally kind and good?), and they are always available to lend a helping hand. I have learned that you don’t get to take the ‘stuff’ with you at the end of this life, and giving to others makes you better as a married couple.

Show affection.

My parents call each other Precious. And they kiss hello every time they see each other. When I was in high school (and sometimes now) it grossed me out a bit, but they never had a hard time showing each other love. They work hard to focus on their actions towards each other and not just their words. I have learned to be comfortable in showing my affection to my husband. Even if it skeeves out our future children.

Do things you don't like.

My mother hates the beach. My father hates romantic comedies. But they go to Florida on vacation and they get the senior discount at the movies. My parents have always been able to compromise and do things for each other, regardless of their preference. I have learned that marriage means flexibility and loving someone so much that you'll do what they like (even if you’d rather be doing anything else).

Sometimes it's okay to take a break.

Married couples argue, and my parents are certainly no different (although honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times they fought in front of my sister and I). The few times they had an argument, my father would always go for a walk, probably for about 20 minutes. He and my Mom needed time to process and they realized that taking a break would calm the situation. They would also take random breaks from each other (and parenthood) by having a night out with siblings or taking weekend trips with friends. I have learned that taking a quick break from a heated discussion or daily life means that you will come back to your marriage refreshed, recharged and reunited.

Family is everything. 

We have always been a family of four, technically, but my parents have made our family so much more than that. My Mom and Dad treat everyone like family – friends and loved ones, and people who have nowhere else to go. Each Thanksgiving there is a new person in our annual family photo, because anyone who doesn’t have plans that day becomes a part of our family. I have learned that family is what matters, whether they are ‘related’ or not, and at the end of the day expanding your family will enhance your marriage.

Take care of each other. And then get over it.

My parents have had some very difficult times. They have dealt with scary situations and suffered tragic losses. But they have always had each other to lean on, and then they have focused on moving forward. Together. I have learned that you have to take care of each other during the difficult times, but then you have to get over it, move forward, and choose to be happy. Especially when it comes to your marriage.

Thank you, Tom and Al (yes, I call them by their first names), for always showing me love and teaching me about marriage. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have had your partnership as an inspiration in my life.

Socially Networked

We keep hearing statistics about Facebook material being used as evidence in divorce cases.  The numbers change every time I hear something, but the end result is the same, and it makes me think about the impact of social networking on marriage.

Could social networking ruin a relationship? No. People ruin relationships. But could it have an impact on a relationship? Absolutely! And not always a positive one.

My husband asked me out on our first date via Facebook. Yes, this really happened. We had gone out on a double date, I gave him my number, and, as is now an appropriate next step, we ‘friended’ each other on this social networking site. I did not receive a phone call or text, but about a week later, a private message asking me out on a date. Who does that?! Apparently more people than I knew at the time (and I imagine many more than I know of now). I responded to him with a quick witted note about how I wouldn’t be going out with someone because they Facebook-ed me, but when he decided to pick up a phone, then perhaps we could have dinner. Clearly, he got the hint.

Social networking has continued to play a part in our relationship. When we decided to date exclusively, my husband changed his relationship status, while I decided to wait. I did not want to respond to my family and friends when receiving the inevitable ‘good for you!’ messages and posts, as though dating someone is an accomplishment. When David proposed, we called all of our close friends and family but had to ask them not to post it publicly because we wanted to make sure that our aunts received a personal phone call before seeing cousins write congratulatory notes. And then we posted our relationship status update at the same time, so neither of our sets of 'friends' felt excluded or had to hear the news from anyone else. Finally, on our wedding day, before we even left the church, there was a photo posted of us kissing for the first time.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love social networking. My ability to keep up with long lost friends and distant family makes me very happy. And I love following celebrities to learn about their ‘real life’. I feel connected without having to do much work – it’s a very easy, passive way of maintaining certain relationships and building others. But it can cause issues as well. I have had conflicts with real friends (people I spend time with on a regular basis) based on what either of us post about our activity, and I have become frustrated with family who post pictures or updates instead of calling to let me know when something happened. At times, I have become inappropriately jealous of other people’s lives, even though I am completely happy with mine. The impact of social networking is greater than we know, and apparently beginning to have a serious impact on marriage.

Twitter has given me the opportunity to follow celebrities and politicians, as well as keep up with the news without having to read a paper. At times, I will write to one of the Real Housewives and let her know what a tool she is being on the show, or re-tweet some of Tracy Morgan’s ridiculous jokes. And when the person follows me or writes me back? Best. Day. Ever. My husband has a particular concern about my adoration of Cory Booker. I find him to be smart and funny - he is one of my favorite people to follow. And he has responded to me on an occasion or two, which makes my stomach jump a little from excitement. There is no danger in my mini-crush, as I am madly in love with David and not moving to Newark anytime soon (plus, I don’t think Cory is interested), but it makes me wonder about people who may not be happy in their marriage. Instead of working on their relationship, it may be easier to use social networking as a way out. People reconnect with high school sweethearts, ex-lovers and former flames, and if you’re not secure in yourself and your relationship, it can provide some dangerous ground.

Obviously there is a much bigger discussion to have on society and values and where we are headed, but for now, I appreciate when my husband writes sweet love notes on my Facebook wall and that I am able to keep in touch with my cousin Brian, while following Cory Booker and learning about the latest news updates from CNN. Socially networked, I am.

Six Months Already?!

Well, it seems married life just makes the time fly right by – would you believe that my husband and I have now been married for six months? Considering the fact that we almost broke up at the six month mark of dating (long story, glad that passed) and that everyone has warned us the first year of marriage is the hardest, I feel that we have made quite an accomplishment. Hooray for us!  

But really, I wanted to take this opportunity to provide some updates on our marriage, the year of fun, and the blog itself. 

Marriage has been awesome so far. Honestly! This is not to say we don’t have our tiffs and riffs, but overall it is a beautiful life that we are building. And I am so happy to be a partner to my husband! We have had a tremendous six months and experienced some serious ups and downs, but knowing that David is a constant makes everything manageable. It is rare to know that you have someone who will be there regardless of what happens and this is something I treasure in our relationship. As my husband always says, we are our family now. And that’s exactly how it feels.

The Year of Fun has been amazing! We have traveled, explored, lived it up, celebrated with friends, spent time with family, let go of stress, and enjoyed each other and our time alone to the fullest. And the best part about letting go and doing only what we want is that it has brought us success and joy. A few months ago I received a promotion to a new and exciting position and my husband is in the process of negotiating a new job offer as well! Being members of a DINK (Double Income No Kids) household is a benefit that we are enjoying to the fullest!

After my post on Newlyweight, my husband woke up one morning and told me he wanted to focus on weight loss and get ready in case (after the Year of Fun) we move towards having the tiny tots. So, we did! I am happy to say that we have lost almost 20 pounds as a couple – we’re moving slow and steady in this regard, but the good news is that we are moving. David has started playing basketball again and I decide to run randomly as always, but we are making progress. The clothes fit again, woo hoo!

And one more update – my husband found his ring. He came clean about leaving it on the fruit stand and I decided to be kind and give it back to him. He has not forgotten it since.

Finally, a note on the blog itself. This began as an outlet for me to discuss the challenges and adventures of the first year of marriage, and I want to thank you for all of your support and feedback. Please continue to comment and helpful hints are more than welcome. I really appreciate your thoughts on marriage, as they only help us all succeed. And I wanted to let you know that I have decided (with the support of my amazing husband) to continue the blog after the first year. After all, David and I are just two little freshmen in the high school of marriage. Doesn’t it get a lot more exciting after that? 

Thanks for reading!

The Attitude of Gratitude

My husband and I are currently feuding over thank you notes. Okay, feuding is a bit dramatic, but we are at a standstill. We were married almost six months ago, and if it were up to me, the thank you notes would have been sent out within six weeks. While I have heard rumors of etiquette stating we have one year to send them, the thought makes me shudder. The only reason we delayed was because we wanted to use a professional photograph and did not want the notes to get lost in the holiday mail. Most of them went out in the 3-4 month range. Most of them. 

Since I felt that I did more work on the wedding planning then David, I decided I would not be writing the thank you notes for his ‘side’. But knowing how my husband likes to procrastinate, I wrote the notes for both of our immediate families and the bridal party. His are still pending. And the frustrating part is that I have tried everything to get him to do them! I have begged, pleaded, attempted manipulation, bargained, and attempted bribery. Nothing is working. My husband is terribly stubborn – the more I request it be done, the less likely it is to happen. 

And the worst part? He has done some of them. There are only 9 notes left to mail, 7 of which are already written. Several friends and family members have received them, and a few have not. And for some strange reason, my husband does not see the problem with this. I am becoming more embarrassed by the day and just hope we do not run into the 9 people anytime in the near future.

In general, I am a huge proponent of the thank you note. They are personal, meaningful and always appropriate. I am also a big fan of sending them out in a timely manner, as they do lose value. Unfortunately, I have been to weddings, showers, and other events without receiving a thank you note, and am still shocked every time (and yes, I keep a running list – rest assured, I will not be at your next function!). 

But more important than the note is the fact that someone is thankful. The attitude of gratitude is not present enough in today’s society. And generally not present enough in relationships. Couples become too comfortable and sincerely forget to be grateful for their partner. David is always telling me that I am too critical and that I do not recognize all of the ‘good stuff’ he does. We disagree on this, because while he thinks I am ungrateful, it is hard for me to understand why I should thank him for doing things we both do, or for doing things that are his responsibility. And I do thank him for the big stuff. My response to his frustration is usually asking if he would like a gold star, which is my passive aggressive, ugly way of daring him to request validation. But really, why should I have to thank my husband for doing half of the household chores? I’m doing the other half and not receiving a thank you!

I suppose it would be better to suck it up and say those two simple words a bit more often. At the end of the day, we all just want appreciation and recognition for doing good things and being good people. Perhaps if I show more gratitude, it will be paid forward, and I will receive some as well. Appreciation karma, here goes…

David, I am grateful to you for making me laugh, wiping my tears and being present for every emotion in between. Thank you for all that you do to make our house a home and our marriage a partnership. I appreciate your patience, kindness and respect for all people, and I am grateful to have you as a role model in the ‘let’s be kind to others’ department. Thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors and always celebrating my success. I am grateful for your unconditional love, bear hugs and million kisses. Thank you for being you and for choosing me.

Now, go write those thank you notes.

Ring His Neck

My husband always forgets to wear his wedding ring. Yesterday, I came home and it was hanging on our fruit stand (which is where we both hang our rings if we are doing the dishes – the good news is he was doing the dishes), and I decided that I would play a trick on him. I have now hidden his ring and will wait and see how long he takes to tell me it is missing.

Let me back track for a minute, though.

The wedding band symbolizes the eternity of our commitment and love, and shows the world that we are married. Yes, this is important, but this is not what frustrates me about David not wearing his ring. What bothers me is the history regarding this man and rings. When we first became engaged, my husband was jealous of my ring and wanted one of his own (yes, he has these girl-like qualities, and I still love him). One day, we were at an Oktoberfest celebration and after consuming some exceptional beer, I went shopping at the vendor stands and purchased him an engagement ring. He wore it religiously. And I didn’t mind most of the time, but occasionally I would be embarrassed by this ridiculous behavior. But he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

Then we went shopping for wedding rings. I found mine at the second store we visited, and he took six months to find his. It had to be perfect – he wanted a specific metal, style, fit, and he must have tried on over 100 rings before he found ‘the one’.  And I went along for the very frustrating ride, but again, he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

We got married and I thought the ring drama would end. But sadly, a month into our marriage, we went out to celebrate my Mom’s birthday and David was not wearing his ring. He told us that he ‘must have forgotten it’. So I took action – I wrote the word ‘taken’ on his left ring finger. I did not want there to be any confusion when the inappropriately dressed women at the casino checked him out while he played the Star Trek slot machine. When we got home the next day, my husband admitted that he did not know where the ring was. After searching for some time, he found it in a pile of laundry, but it had been missing for several days. He was wearing his engagement ring instead (I had not noticed), but he never told me! Obviously I was more upset about the fact that he did not tell me it was missing, than the fact that he lost it.

There have been a few ‘I forgot it at home’ incidents since, and again, my concern is not with my husband actually wearing his wedding ring. I am very aware of the fact that we are married and committed and in love, and certainly don’t need a piece of jewelry to confirm that. However, I will continue to make fun of him for harassing me to buy him a ring, for being so picky, and for always ‘forgetting’ something that was SO important to him. I’ll let you know when he ‘finds’ his ring now…

Dollars and Sense

More money, more problems! Finances are a challenge in many relationships and the cause of many breakups, and I can absolutely see why. Sharing money and negotiating finances can be very difficult in a capitalist country where marriages are starting later in life. We are raised to make as much money as possible in order to have a better life and maintain our independence. And, as I explained to my mother soon after our wedding, times have changed – there are new challenges in marriages because partners rarely enter into a marriage straight out of a childhood. My husband and I had years to be selfish, make our own money, set our own budgets and make decisions on how to manage our own finances. To expect either of us to change our ways in the blink of an eye (or blink of a nuptial in this case) is quite unreasonable.

My husband became unemployed when we were dating about a year and a half, and this was the first time that finances became an issue. I will never forget a trip to Sam’s Club where I paid the bill and then flipped out and told him that I would not be paying for everything just because he was not working. The poor guy was already feeling low about being laid off and there I was, his future wife (at this point, I do believe he questioned this) letting him know that I would not take care of him. And in my head, since we weren’t engaged or living together, this was not yet permanent, I was not going to be taken advantage of, and I preferred to only worry about myself when it came to my money. But in reality he could still take care of himself and did not need me financially. While we got through this tiff, we did not progress in having any appropriate conversations about our finances.

Fast forward nine months, we are newly engaged and wondering how to pay for the big, fun wedding that we both want. David was now working, so I was not as obnoxious about the situation, but we still had our work set out for us. We set up a joint savings account in order to pay for the wedding and each contributed to it on a very regular basis. That, along with the generosity of both of our sets of parents, let us have the celebration that we wanted. And it gave us both peace of mind that we were equally involved in paying for our wedding.

And at the same time we moved in together. I have not disguised the fact that this was a difficult transition, but I have purposely glossed over the reasons why, and finances have been a big part of the challenge. Neither of us was ready to share a bank account and each of us had our debt to cover, so we kept our regular finances separate. I have student loans and a mortgage, and my husband enjoys the flexibility of credit cards. He does not trust debit cards and uses automatic online payments, while I do not trust anything automatic and have an intimate relationship with my debit card. The questions continued to arise on how to move forward, so we looked at other couples for advice. We know couples who share everything – they have one savings account and one checking account and pay all their bills together. And we know couples who share nothing – one covers the mortgage while the other covers all of the other bills. We know couples where one partner does all of the finances and the other just set up their direct deposit. And we know couples who file their taxes separately after 20 years of marriage, and each of the spouses claim one of their children. 

David and I have six bank accounts. Yes, six. He has a checking and savings, I have a checking and savings, and we share a checking and savings. We are both extremely stubborn when it comes to our finances, but just recently we came to a resolution (and yes, it has been 15 months since we moved in together). We have divvied up our bills and set up a prorated payment plan based on our current salaries. Yes, it may seem ridiculous to some and completely logical to others, but it was how we, as a married couple, could move forward financially. Both of us continue to contribute to the savings, but the shared checking account is on hold until we can both let go of our other accounts.

As with all of the challenges that marriage has presented, communication is the key. For awhile we were at a standstill and the frustrations were growing. This has definitely been one of the more contentious points in our relationship, but I am happy to report that we are progressing and have a plan that works. For now.