Keeping Things Spicy!

NO, not in the way I am sure you are imagining when reading this title, sorry to disappoint (I’ll get there at some point, but for now still trying to maintain some level of privacy in my new marriage).  

Last week, my husband and I were chatting and realized that we had not been on a date since we have been married (74 days to be exact – yay, we beat Kim Kardashian!).  Prior to the ‘big day’, we had a date night every Wednesday – we would do something planned as time alone together, without our smart phones or other people, time to renew our relationship and focus on us as a couple. We would take turns planning them, so each week was something different and we always did something the other person would enjoy as well. Some weeks it would be as simple as watching Netflix together, and some weeks would be a trip to the local amusement park or dinner at the restaurant where we had our second date (which was the best one in my book).

As the wedding grew closer, unfortunately our date nights were filled with wedding planning tasks – table seating, printing out table numbers, etc. And since the wedding, date night disappeared! We came back from our honeymoon to a string of events - the passing of my grandfather, Thanksgiving, the birth of my niece, the passing of a good friend’s father, Christmas, and bringing in the New Year. It has been a very busy few months and sadly our date night has gotten lost in the mix.

In my humble opinion (and yes, I can be humble), date night is vital to the success of any romantic relationship. Too often we become comfortable with each other and forget that we are even in the same room, never mind why we decided to be together. It is easy to spend all of your time together without spending any quality time together. My husband and I spend a lot of time together – we even commute to work together – but date night is when I am reminded of how important he is to me and why I value our relationship. It reminds me of when we were just getting to know each other and how much I liked everything about him (or made excuses for that which I didn’t). Date night is such an added value to our relationship. Of course, there are no requirements for implementing – it does not need to be every week or a specific day, but it does need to be planned so you both value the time together. 

Luckily, we had planned to go away this past weekend, essentially a three day date in Nashville, TN.  David was super excited because he had never been there and loves the idea of being a cowboy, and I was super excited because of the quality time we would get to spend together. I love to travel as it feels like a renewal every time I go out of town, and doing so with David has been one of my favorite things about our relationship. Having a life partner means you always have a travel buddy! We have enjoyed many short trips in our time together (few of them long, due to budget and lack of vacation time) and each one has brought us wonderful memories and shared experiences which solidify our partnership. Nashville is a great city and we had a wonderful time. We had the best food, listened to the best live music (even though it was country, I became a fan!) and drank the best Moonshine. We had touristy fun and enjoyed the local flavors, and most importantly, we enjoyed each other’s company. It was a good mini-vacation and a nice, long date. 

Living Together Forever?

Recently, I was chatting with a friend of mine who just moved in with her boyfriend and we were discussing all of the challenges that brings. There are a few schools of thought on living together, but one thing is consistent for most people I know – it can be very difficult.  

Last week, I came home after a long day of work and dinner with friends to find my husband sitting on the couch, playing on the internet and watching This Old House. His shoes meet me at the entrance to the living room and his mail and other papers are all over the dining room table. The dishes sit in the sink from last night, the laundry is piling up and the house is still decorated for Christmas. An argument ensues because I am tired and feel like I am the only one who ever cleans our house. 

David and I moved in together a year ago, which was four months after we became engaged. We waited for some time for a variety of reasons, but most of all because we were both used to living alone. The last roommates I had were in grad school, when I was living in Ohio. Everyone is nice in Ohio. It was a three bedroom apartment. And it was 11 years ago. My ability to tolerate other people 24/7 has decreased tremendously since that time. Since then, I have been messy, able to order takeout on a whim, eaten pints of ice cream without feeling fat, taken my laundry to someone and paid them to do it, and received notices from Con Ed because I had not used gas in months and they thought something was wrong. I lived the epitome of the single life, and frankly, I loved it. No sharing of the bathroom, the cable, the sheets, the food, the space. No consideration of timing, guests, closet space, music choice or where to sit on the couch. And for some reason, any mess that was present when I lived alone was not a bother. There were days I left the dishes and would drop my shoes, coat, etc. wherever. But now that he’s here all the time and the ‘stuff’ is doubled, I find it terribly frustrating.

Another reason we waited was more purposeful. Moving in together is tough. I did not want to live with David until I really had to, until we were what I considered permanent. My fears were that if he saw how I lived and did not like it, or if I saw how he lived and did not like it, we would give up and go our separate ways. I did not think it would be fair to either of us if we used living together to assess our relationship. Old school as it may seem, these can be muddy waters if you are not sure where your relationship is headed. I believed that if we were going to commit to marriage, to a lifetime together, we would have to be able to get through many things and living together will likely be the least of our upcoming challenges. Of course, every relationship is different and I am certainly not a judge of what works for others. I just knew it would not work for me.

Now, back to the ongoing argument of ‘who does more’ (which, from what I understand, only gets much worse when children join the family). Both of us always feel that we do more than the other and David is actually assigned more chores, but that is simply because I finish them. For example, he does the laundry. One might assume that means sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away. In his case, it means sorting, washing, drying, leaving in a basket in the living room for a week. This is where I step in and finish the job. Always a fan of teamwork, I certainly do not mind helping out, but would love coming home to a clean house without having to ask my co-captain. So the argument continues…

But let’s not forget the perks of living together, of which there are many. It is such a joy to come home and have someone that loves you most in the world sitting on the couch, happy to see you and ask about your day. The test of the chore list is nothing compared to knowing you have a partner in the battle against your noisy neighbors, the occasional bug, or the management company. And there is nothing better than setting the table for the delicious homemade meal that completely trumps any option for takeout. My husband has made our house a home in so many ways – reorganizing our kitchen so everything fits better, making the bed every single day, fixing everything that needs to be fixed, getting us the new super quiet toilet seat, and remembering the names of all of the Real Housewives even though my love of Bravo irks him completely. At the end of the day, living together is just a piece of the partner puzzle – a challenging, exciting, wonderful puzzle that will never be complete. And maybe that’s the best part. 

Post Nuptial Depression and the Year of Fun

We are already a week in to 2012 (wow, that went fast!), so instead of writing about a New Year’s resolution that will undoubtedly vanish within six weeks, I thought it would be a great time to let you know about a resolution my husband and I made right before our wedding.

Before we got married, I became fearful of the inevitable post nuptial depression. I heard many rumors about it, friends who had gotten married before me had it, and I even had a small case of it after performing my duties as Maid of Honor for my sister’s wedding. 

post nup-tial de-pres-sion  [pohst nuhp-shuh l dih-presh-uh n] noun - condition of sadness and emotional dejection warranted by the loss of excitement after a super fun, big fat wedding.

Yes, there is the honeymoon and of course the joy of starting your life together, but the depression is real and I would venture to guess that most new wives have experienced it in some form. From a very young age, we are told that a wedding is the ‘biggest day of your life’. We receive instruction from family, friends and the media on dating, finding a groom, planning a wedding, saying yes to a dress, not being a ‘Bridezilla’ and everything in between. And after becoming engaged, we spend a year discussing and planning the event, and celebrating the fact that the day is coming. The build up to your wedding day is tremendous and takes up all of your time as the day nears. Then, finally, after 32 years of listening and one year of plotting, you enjoy a magical 10 hours, surrounded by everyone in the world who loves you the most.  How could you not be depressed when all of that excitement comes to a sudden halt? And how could I prevent this from happening to me?

My husband suggested scrapbooking as a way to reminisce about the good times we had planning the wedding (a favorite pastime of mine as well). I thought about how happy I would be to get back to ‘regular’ life, spending time with friends and going to exercise classes. We also considered all of the pressure we had been under in the 15 months leading up to the wedding, saving our money and not doing too much of anything else. Together we came up with the best idea to avoid the post nuptial depression and resolve to be happily married – a year of fun.

year of fun [yeer uhv fuhn] noun - a period of 366 days (a leap year in this case) where David and Theresa will spend married life doing activities that provide mirth and amusement

Our Year of Fun to do list (although the point is there is nothing we must do):

Travel – as much as possible! We are booked for Nashville, San Antonio, and Italy so far, and will be taking other trips throughout the year to visit family and friends.

Spend $$ – New oven, new furniture, new clothes, new electronics, new beginnings!

Party – like rock stars, pretending we can still hang, and attempting to stay up past 1am. I may be too old for this one, but the Year of Fun is a team effort.

Holidays - celebrate when we feel like it, and how we feel like it.  We decided to go ahead for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but skipped putting up a tree and spent less on stocking stuffers. Valentine’s Day is definitely off the list, but St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are in the queue.

Discover – learn as much as possible. We are taking cooking classes and dance classes, and my efforts to learn Spanish will happen this year. We are going to explore our community more, and join teams and clubs of interest.

Family and Friends – spend as much quality time with them when we can, celebrate everyone in our lives, but also feel comfortable saying ‘no’ when we cannot. Or when we don’t feel like it.  

The concept is easy – we plan on doing what we want this year. And not doing what we don’t want. And the only rule is that we do not discuss anything of a serious manner – no talk about job searches, house buying, or conceiving children, and no arguing over petty issues that arise. There won’t be many years in the future where we will have the opportunity to be as selfish as we can be today – babies will come, mortgages will grow, careers will need attention. But today, this year, we are young and free and focused on FUN! 

Not a bad resolution, is it?