Mrs. Indepent?

One of the things I have been struggling with since being in a relationship is the balance of independence and partnership. Being sort of a free spirit (I say sort of because I am way too OCD to be completely free), I have always found it a challenge to be 'tied down' and feel like I have to report to someone about what I am doing and where I am going. Luckily, my husband is extremely flexible. So much so that at times I wonder if he even cares what I am up to because he is so laid back. But still, it is a struggle.

When we first started dating, David and I had very separate lives. I was living in the city, he was living in the suburbs. I was training for a marathon, he was working overtime on a political campaign. I was partying it up with my friends, he was partying it up with his friends. And when convenient (usually on Tuesdays and Saturdays) we would spend time together. Sometimes we would go to each others' friends birthday parties or events, which was nice, but we only really did so if the scheduling happened to work. It was fun! And to me, the perfect relationship. We liked spending time together, but were happy to continue to live our own lives.

Then one day, we realized that we preferred to spend time together. We met each others' families and started spending full weekends together (plus an evening or two during the week). We worked harder to coordinate our schedules and attended most parties together. And eventually, I gave in and moved to the 'burbs so we could be together (and because I wanted to own property - don't think it was all him :)). Next thing you know we were engaged and living together, spending every minute together. Slowly but surely, we became more of a unit than individuals, and my battle to maintain my independence continued. I do what I want! Okay, not really anymore without understanding it might affect someone else, but sometimes I try to...

As soon as the wedding was over, I felt such a sense of relief to have my life back. In the first month, I was able to spend more time with friends than I did in the whole year prior and it felt great! Every other night I was out and about, catching up with people, doing the activities I had done before the wedding planning madness began. I really felt like I had it all - great friends, social time out and about, and a loving partner to meet up with at home. (I still do feel this way, but have toned it down a bit, realizing I am old and tired.) It seemed like we were back at the more independent stage of our relationship, but it was fine because we live together so see each other every day. Balance? Not sure. We are clearly a work in progress.

When we got back from Nashville, I asked my husband where we were going for President's Day, since it was the next long weekend (and, as you know, he has limited vacation time). He broke the news to me that he did not want to go anywhere.  Turns out, my hubby really wanted some down time, since we have been running around since November. About a week later, I accepted a promotion at work and found out I would be starting at the end of February. This month would be the last time I could take a vacation for some time, since I would be learning a new job. So I spoke with David to make sure he did not mind (NOT to ask permission), and booked myself a trip to Prague! Woo hoo!

Yes, alone. Just me. In Prague. I love to travel alone! It makes me feel adventurous and excited, young and free, independent and vulnerable. The sights, sounds and smells of a new country are my favorite things. And I certainly do not mind navigating through it by myself - at times, I prefer it. When you travel alone, you do not have to please anyone. I can spend 15 minutes in a museum if I find it boring or hours in a cafe because I am enjoying watching the people. It is a wonderful time to get to know myself, stretch my boundaries, and see the world.

I started to mention to people that I was going away, and most assumed I would be traveling with David. Which was fine. But when I clarified that it was just me, I received reactions that were more extreme than I thought appropriate. "Is David okay with this?" "WHY?" "Is there something wrong?" "Oh my gosh, be careful. I don't like this."  Yes, he's fine. Because I want to. No, nothing is wrong. Of course I will be careful. The reactions were so strong that I stopped mentioning it to people and even asked my husband not to tell his parents. They are slightly more traditional than mine, and I knew they would be worried the whole time I was away. Interestingly, the people that I met on the trip did not find it strange (another benefit of travel - it makes people a bit more open minded). They let me know how wonderful it was, told me it was a great thing to do, and congratulated me on being newly married (and, as it always happens lately, told me how wonderful and sacred marriage is - people really do still believe in marriage, which makes me the happiest).

Traveling alone after being married for three months may seem strange to some, but not to me! And my husband did not find it strange, but was a little worried.

This was the first time I had traveled abroad alone since right after we started dating seriously, just over three years ago. I had gone on weekend getaways with girlfriends or to visit with family, but never out of the country exploring alone. I was SO excited. And the trip was great! But by day three, I realized how much I missed my husband. Everything I saw and heard I wanted to share with him. I wanted to lay next to him when I fell asleep and I wanted to hold his hand walking down the romantic streets of Prague. Had I lost my sense of adventure? Was I becoming a boring married lady? I freaked out a little, drank some more Pilsner, and continued my journey.

I have since had time to reflect, and realized that if given the choice, I would prefer to travel with my husband. In fact, I would prefer to do most things with him. Every adventure is more fun, food tastes better, stars look brighter, and the world seems nicer when he is a part of it (and yes, this is my cheesy part of today's blog). I love to share things with him and create memories with him, and traveling is one of the greatest ways for that to happen. I have not lost any of my 'self', but rather gained a partner, a true companion. And for the first time in my life, I am actually comfortable with that.

Is This Reality?

Reality shows have taken over the airwaves, and I am a huge fan. I love keeping up with the Kardashians and considering the life of a 'Real' mob, baseball or hip hop wife. The shows are hilarious and a break from my reality, so it has become my outlet. I probably spend way too much time in front of a television in any given week, but by watching these 'real' people act in a ridiculous and inappropriate manner, I am able to escape from whatever stressful situation I find myself in at the time. This is definitely not my reality, but it makes me think about the reality that each of us create in our own relationships.

My husband always teases me about being dishonest with him from our first date. He was giving me a ride home, playing a cd with some remixed songs from the 90‘s, and apparently I went on and on about how I LOVE remixes. Which was a lie. I hate remixes and feel that they just lengthen songs that already go on forever. I would beg to differ that I went on and on about it, but I do remember saying that his cd was the coolest. In the beginning of every relationship, there is a huge lack of reality. Each party is trying to impress the other, which leads to not telling the full truth about general likes and dislikes. And people are usually quite guarded, so try not to share too much personal information, past history, or political views. Even women who pride themselves on being completely ‘real’ are quite the opposite during this phase. From the remixes to a love of steak and vegetables, the fibs continued during this first stage of our relationship.

As time went on, we became much more comfortable and honest with each other - sometimes too honest. In addition to sharing everything, at this point partners begin to have serious opinions about each other, nagging about clothing or food choices, because obviously we know what is best for the other person. I will never forget the first time David had an opinion about my family. It was nothing serious, just a thought on travel for the holidays, but two things came to my mind. Number one, “this is MY family, who are you to have an opinion”. Number two, “oh my, you might become a part of my family”. At this stage in a relationship, you really get to know each other and decide if the quirks and reality of the situation are something you like or dislike, and something you are prepared to enjoy or tolerate for the rest of your life!

The problem with some of the reality television stars is that they skip a phase or two of this increased honesty. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were engaged after three months of dating, and married just weeks after. I would have been married a long time ago if I thought three months was a good gauge of my future with a person. In the first three months, couples are still being wined and dined and have not likely had an argument yet. It is not a shock that their marriage was so short, but I will say, now having watched Kim’s breakdown on her show, clearly they never reached a space of honesty in their relationship. What a mess. 

Then comes marriage. The ultimate honest, open relationship. Right? Or is it still okay to fib once in awhile? On our honeymoon, there was karaoke at the resort, and my husband loves karaoke. Loves. I do not. And, for the record, I have been honest about this. Everyone has a hit or miss song once in awhile, so sometimes David’s pitch is not 100%, but he loves it so much that I would never tell him. And in fact, on our honeymoon, I engaged a group of other couples to cheer him on during his performance. Not completely honest behavior, but I had only the best intention. When my husband played back the video I had taken, he realized it was not his best performance and was on to my game. But at the time, it made him feel good, which made me feel good. Sometimes I hope he is not being completely honest with me, and other times, I hope he is. There is a fine line between being open and honest, while respecting your partner’s feelings.

The tricky part is when you think you are protecting their feelings, but the other person would prefer you be completely honest. Every time we go out, I ask my husband how I look, and every time he responds the same - “beautiful”. Now I know this may be a trick question to some, but I am actually looking for an honest answer. I want to know if I look fat or if my hair is frizzy or my makeup uneven. Frightened of hurting my feelings, David will never tell me the whole truth. Sometimes he will elude to their being an issue, but never say exactly what it is. So now, we take pictures! I make him take pictures of me from the back every time we go out, so I know exactly how big my butt looks. And it works better for both of us. While I am very comfortable being honest, my husband is very protective of others’ feelings, so we strike a balance in the honesty game.

No matter how ‘real’ television may become, in marriage you and your partner create your own reality. It has to be what works for both of you, and it has to be as honest and true to your relationship as possible. I will never tell David when he has a bad night at karaoke, and he will never tell me that I look chunky in a sweater dress. But we are honest when any big issues arise, and that is what is important. Keep it real, folks!