It
was in the cafeteria in high school that I first became a recipient of
relationship advice. I was not seeing anyone at the time, but a friend of mine
was talking about how great her relationship was with her boyfriend and told me
it was because ‘we never go to bed angry’. She went on to tell me how couples
should work out their issues first and always tell each other how much they
love them before falling asleep.
Really?
Is this the one thing that will keep your relationship going?
Sometimes
trying to finish an argument and continue talking before falling asleep is not
a good idea. Instead of saying ‘I love you’ there is a risk of saying something
terribly inappropriate which may scar your relationship. There are nights where
going to bed is actually the best option. And while I agree that telling
someone you love every day is a good idea, missing one evening does not take
away from the fact you do love them.
As
newlyweds, we receive quite a bit of advice. From everyone. It actually started
long before we were engaged, when we first started dating. Both of us received
opinions from friends and families – some of it requested in conversations
about ‘dating this new guy’ or ‘making it official with this lady’, but much of
it not requested at all. I heard about how I should curb some of David’s
behaviors, ‘before it becomes a habit’. And my husband was told that he should
find someone else because of my ‘strong’ personality (interesting that it came
from someone with no personality). When we became engaged, the advice continued
so that we knew when to get married, where to have the wedding, what the
ceremony should include, and who to invite. And now that we are married, we
hear more about how to tolerate each other on a regular basis and of course,
the inevitable opinion on when, how and where to have children (with a reminder
of how lucky we are to know the ‘with who’).
Obviously
there is stress in receiving unsolicited advice, but there is also stress in
asking for an opinion. When you bring other people into your relationship by
sharing details about it, it is inevitable that their view of your partner
changes. You may think that sharing a small detail about something that irks
you is no big deal, but depending on the person, they may judge your husband or
wife. When David and I first started dating I would tell a few of my close
friends everything about our relationship, but when I realized that he was ‘my person’,
it became really important to me that we maintain intimacy when it comes to the
details. My husband and I each have one or two outside confidants, but really
focus on keeping most things private.
While
recently David and I have been on the recipient side of the ‘best advice’ game,
we are also very guilty of giving unsolicited guidance. Last week I caught
myself telling a good friend who is recently engaged that she should really cut
down her guest list, so she can spend time with everyone during her reception.
And while we were at dinner with friends, my husband and I both went on about the
challenges of being married (as if we have the slightest clue). I have
certainly judged the relationships of others and put in my two cents when
friends and family clearly had enough of their own change. And it seems to
happen more as I gain life experience.
How
can we stop the vicious cycle? Sometimes advice is helpful because many couples
go through similar situations. It’s nice to know that we’re all in the same
boat and it would be great if we could support each other without feeling
judged. So maybe while sharing experiences, we just have to remember that every
relationship, every person, every situation and every bit of feedback is
different. And as couples, we should be comfortable taking it all in, not
allowing it to make us feel unsuccessful, and filtering it as we see fit.
But
that’s just my advice.
