525,600 Minutes

One of my favorite songs is Seasons of Love from the broadway show Rent. It's one of those songs that just stort of makes you feel mushy inside (which, since I've been married, is not hard - I tend to get mushy all too easily). But this song in particular talks about how to measure a year (and to measure in love), which is most appropriate today as my husband and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary.

The biggest lie I have ever told was that I would never get married. And at the time, I was not lying! I was completely happy and content and could not imagine how another piece would fit into my puzzle (yes, MY puzzle). Then I met David. He is one of those people that you can actually feel the goodness when you first meet. You can see his positivity and kindess from a mile away, and he makes you want to be better person.  I knew pretty early on that I wanted to be with him forever. Still not completely sold on the idea of marriage, I would have been happy just being with him.

But luckily, he sold me on the whole marriage 'thing' and it was the best decision I have ever made. Our first year of marital bliss has not always been blissful - it is challenging and scary at times, but knowing that I have David by my side makes it all worth the wild ride. We have laughed, cried, and sometimes wanted to kill each other, but there is no one I would rather be with on life's journey.

David, thank you for choosing me. Thank you for allowing me to be yours. Thank you for loving me and always being patient and kind. Thank you for doing the laundry and making the bed. Thank you for cooking delicious meals and always giving me lunch money. Thank you for making me laugh, for wiping my tears, for listening to my rants about daily life and for being my family. Thank you for cuddling me when it's cold and setting our air conditioner timer when it's hot. Thank you for being a sexy beast. Thank you for teaching me to dance, for being brave enough to sing off key in public, and for helping me to be a better person.  Thank you for teaching me what it means to love fully.  Thank you for giving me the gift of marriage and the gift of you.

Happy anniversary, my love. There is nothing more I look forward to then spending all of my tomorrows with you.

Surviving Together

Superstorm Sandy hit this week and living in New York, it hit hard. People have lost loved ones, their homes, and all of their belongings.  It is a devastating time for our area. I thought long and hard about blogging this week, but decided to do so in hopes of bringing a smile to those in need.

My husband and I are extremely lucky, as we have kept power and hot water all week, and had no damage from the storm. Our doors are open to anyone in need of a hot shower and a meal (take-out of course).  Please come on over!

This disaster reminded me of how important it is to have a support system – the people who are there through the most difficult times in your life. One of the greatest perks of marriage is having an immediate support system. Before the storm came, David and I discussed how to prepare and we were both involved in the planning. My husband went shopping for essentials and packed our ‘go bag’ while I cleaned up the house and laid out tarps for areas in our home that had previously flooded. It is such a wonderful thing to have a partner in all of the madness. And it is also a great time to see your partner in a good light. My husband checked on our elderly neighbor and drove his colleague home from work in the midst of the hurricane. During the tough times, I am constantly reminded of why I chose David.  He is calm, cool and collected, and always remembers that people are what really matter.

Of course, it can also be a time where you may not see your partner in the best light. Hysteria can ensue. Last year during Hurricane Irene, our home began to flood in the middle of the night. Water was slowly coming in from the windows and the walls, but it was everywhere. I woke up to the sounds of dripping while my wonderful husband snored away. And when I yelled to wake him, he was ‘calm, cool and collected’ while I ran around like a chicken to protect our belongings. In fact, I wanted to throw him out of a window and I only hoped that the hurricane winds would take him as quickly as Dorothy and Toto. Everyone deals with crises differently, and we are clearly polar opposites in this way.

So yes, my husband went shopping for essentials and packed our ‘go bag’. One might think that he made sure we would be prepared to stay home or be anywhere else. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

When David came back from the grocery store, he had purchased the following items:

-          Two gallons of water

-          Six pack of beer

-          One bottle of margarita (just add tequila) mix

-          One box of Rice-a-Roni

-          20 cups of pudding

I probably don’t need to write anything else here. Who does this?! The water was the only useful item on the list, and while I appreciate the alcohol, I would have preferred food that did not need to be cooked.  He then argued with me that pudding has a lot of protein and that I was not allowed to eat it until it was necessary. We are never going to finish all this pudding.

While I am not quite sure what David put in the ‘go bag’, I can tell you what was NOT included:

-          Wife’s passport

-          Wife’s birth certificate

-          Marriage certificate

-          Checkbook

-          Wife’s clothing

When we were on our way to work Monday, I asked my husband about my change of clothes and he let me know that he had only packed me socks and underwear.  I suppose this is better than nothing, but if it were used as a ‘go bag’, I would not have gotten very far.

Of course I would never seriously complain, just thought you might enjoy hearing about my husband’s ridiculous behavior. We are so blessed to have each other and so lucky to have survived this storm without any impact. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those who are suffering during this devastating time. 

Never go to bed angry (and other unsolicited advice).

It was in the cafeteria in high school that I first became a recipient of relationship advice. I was not seeing anyone at the time, but a friend of mine was talking about how great her relationship was with her boyfriend and told me it was because ‘we never go to bed angry’. She went on to tell me how couples should work out their issues first and always tell each other how much they love them before falling asleep.

Really? Is this the one thing that will keep your relationship going? 

Sometimes trying to finish an argument and continue talking before falling asleep is not a good idea. Instead of saying ‘I love you’ there is a risk of saying something terribly inappropriate which may scar your relationship. There are nights where going to bed is actually the best option. And while I agree that telling someone you love every day is a good idea, missing one evening does not take away from the fact you do love them.

As newlyweds, we receive quite a bit of advice. From everyone. It actually started long before we were engaged, when we first started dating. Both of us received opinions from friends and families – some of it requested in conversations about ‘dating this new guy’ or ‘making it official with this lady’, but much of it not requested at all. I heard about how I should curb some of David’s behaviors, ‘before it becomes a habit’. And my husband was told that he should find someone else because of my ‘strong’ personality (interesting that it came from someone with no personality). When we became engaged, the advice continued so that we knew when to get married, where to have the wedding, what the ceremony should include, and who to invite. And now that we are married, we hear more about how to tolerate each other on a regular basis and of course, the inevitable opinion on when, how and where to have children (with a reminder of how lucky we are to know the ‘with who’).

Obviously there is stress in receiving unsolicited advice, but there is also stress in asking for an opinion. When you bring other people into your relationship by sharing details about it, it is inevitable that their view of your partner changes. You may think that sharing a small detail about something that irks you is no big deal, but depending on the person, they may judge your husband or wife. When David and I first started dating I would tell a few of my close friends everything about our relationship, but when I realized that he was ‘my person’, it became really important to me that we maintain intimacy when it comes to the details. My husband and I each have one or two outside confidants, but really focus on keeping most things private.

While recently David and I have been on the recipient side of the ‘best advice’ game, we are also very guilty of giving unsolicited guidance. Last week I caught myself telling a good friend who is recently engaged that she should really cut down her guest list, so she can spend time with everyone during her reception. And while we were at dinner with friends, my husband and I both went on about the challenges of being married (as if we have the slightest clue). I have certainly judged the relationships of others and put in my two cents when friends and family clearly had enough of their own change. And it seems to happen more as I gain life experience.

How can we stop the vicious cycle? Sometimes advice is helpful because many couples go through similar situations. It’s nice to know that we’re all in the same boat and it would be great if we could support each other without feeling judged. So maybe while sharing experiences, we just have to remember that every relationship, every person, every situation and every bit of feedback is different. And as couples, we should be comfortable taking it all in, not allowing it to make us feel unsuccessful, and filtering it as we see fit.

But that’s just my advice.

Another Year, Another Bride

Several months into our marriage, the post nuptial depression began to subside, and I became increasingly interested in future weddings. No longer sad about the fact that my ‘big day’ had passed, I was eager to be a guest and celebrate other’s love and joy. For several months, there was no wedding activity – none of our friends or family got engaged and there were no weddings. But now, we are in the midst of a little wedding frenzy, and I could not be happier!

Our dear friends will be getting married next month, and we have been lucky enough to participate in many of the pre-wedding activities. The bridal shower was a Mad Hatter Tea Party – there was tea and crumpets, hats and dancing (including New Kids on the Block, which I LOVE), and it was really a nice day. This was the first bridal event that I had attended since being married and I am definitely seeing these events through new lenses.

Prior to getting engaged, I really despised bridal showers. Perhaps it was the fact that there were way too many women in one room talking about wedding ‘stuff’, or that I had to sit and watch one of my girlfriends open a million gifts which were really upgrades of items they already owned. The bridal shower tradition began when couples were getting married and moving out of their parent’s house simultaneously, so it made sense for them to register for everything needed to set up a home. But now, most people are getting married after having lived alone and usually with their partner and seem to be registering to obtain better stuff. As a single lady, I would always attend and give a generous gift, but with a slightly bitter sentiment (i.e. ‘It’s not like I’m ever getting married, when will I get paid back for this?’).

My view as a married lady is a bit different. Yes, people are still registering for upgrades, but usually because they want a fresh start in their lives together. My husband and I registered, but tried to keep it to what we really needed (with the exception of David’s obsession with small kitchen tools – pickle pickers, etc.). Both of us had mostly ‘hand me downs’ in our respective homes, so it was a nice way for us to start our life together. I still think that couples can go overboard and spin into the crafty cycle of ridiculousness gift giving, but it is also a longstanding tradition. A bridal shower is a time to enjoy each other, catch up with friends and family, and share in the time of pre-wedding excitement with the bride. I also notice now that it is a way for women to get out of the house and away from their husbands and children for a few hours.

The bride’s bachelorette party was amazing! Her friends coordinated an eventful night which brought me back to my college days. I was worried that after getting married I would turn into one of those women who was no longer into going out (which I see all too often post marriage), but my excitement was bigger than it had been in my single days.

As a single woman, I loved going to bachelorette parties because I was usually one of the only single women. There was at least one less single woman to compete with when it came to attracting men and the men would come running once they saw a group of women having a good time (one of which was wearing a tiara, sash and drinking out of an inappropriate straw). My excitement came from not knowing what the night would bring – maybe I would meet someone, have some drinks, give out some digits and get a free dinner later that week.

Being married, I learned that I just love a girl’s night out. I do! There is nothing like dressing up and spending an evening with a fun group of ladies, talking about everything from pop culture to relationships to other women while enjoying some cocktails and dancing on stages. And of course there’s the sleepover, where we spend the next morning eating leftovers, taking some Advil and regaling in stories from the previous night. As we get older, we just don’t do this enough. This party reminded me that there is nothing like time spent with girlfriends. Your girlfriends are the ones that were there prior to your husband and will be there through thick and thin, supporting you in your marriage. They deserve quality time and attention as well.

Immediately after getting married, I thought the world should stop. It was similar to my thoughts after a loved one dies – I wondered how people continue on with their day to day lives as though nothing had happened. As a newlywed, I felt that everyone should reminisce about my fabulous wedding for some time and I was very concerned that moving forward people would forget that my husband and I were important (going back to my theory on 'the big day'). We were blessed to have a wonderful wedding and we are now blessed to have a strong marriage, which means we can really celebrate our friends and family as they embark on their journey. Wishing all the very best to our friends today, tomorrow and always!

Without a Plan

As you may have learned by now, I can be a bit obsessively compulsively organized, efficient and planned in my day to day life. I tend to foreshadow more than is appropriate and plan for every good, bad, and life threatening situation. I will have a random brush with spontaneity and plan a last minute vacation, but will only go if I know it is well planned (just done so on short notice).

So when my husband told me that the only thing he wanted for his birthday this year was an unplanned weekend away, I immediately considered the quickest escape and clicked my heels three times, but was still standing there to respond (finally), ‘Sure, honey, if that’s what you want’.

The anxiety began about 10 seconds later and continued until our return from the birthday weekend. Knowing this would make him happy was the only reason it materialized, and this was the greatest gift he will ever receive. David should realize now that his present request this year was a guest wife for a weekend.  And I sure hope he liked it, because it will never happen again.

We decided (we?) to head upstate to wine country in Orange County, NY, but that was the only decision that was made prior to our departure. After work on Friday, which was his actual birthday, we just started driving north. David drove while I Google-d nearby places to stay and restaurants in case of an emergency. We stopped on route to take in the views of the Hudson River from the mountains and watch the sunset. Yes, sunset. And this is when my level of stress increased dramatically.

My husband could not understand why I became a bit frazzled at 9pm as we were just picking the restaurant for dinner and still had nowhere to sleep. The major difference in our levels of concern here are due to the fact that he would be fine with staying at a motel where you have the option of paying by the hour or the night, and I prefer to not have to check for bed bugs or bodily fluids when I arrive. It was taking all of my patience, kindness and good will to remember that it was his actual birthday and I had to be nice ALL DAY. 

During the appetizers, David started chatting up the locals and attempting to make a reservation at nearby Bed & Breakfasts (which, inevitably, were all booked). And then he gave in and let me recommend a Hilton Garden Inn about 15 miles away. We arrived and luckily were able to get a room (just for one night – Saturday there were two weddings and no rooms available).

I should let you know that from the time David proposed his ideal birthday gift to the moment we got in the car, I continued to remind him that I really was not planning anything, as per his request. Apparently he did not believe me, because at this point in the weekend he admitted that he ‘assumed I had a backup plan’. Ugh.

The good news was that he values my insanity when it comes to planning! The bad news was that I really did not have a plan. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the rest of the weekend was being planned in my head as we were having this conversation. 

So the next morning when we woke up, we made reservations for that evening at a Bed & Breakfast and then I became the tour guide of Orange County. We visited Orange County Choppers, toured six different wineries, and did a little shopping and eating along the way. On Sunday we had a lovely drive down the other side of the river, visiting Farmer’s Markets and castles, enjoying each other’s company and the sunshine. Overall, it was a great weekend.

I realized that David made this birthday request because I am generally too focused on the plan. A perfectionist by trade, I have a hard time letting go which can then lead to a hard time enjoying life. My husband is so laid back and lacks any interest in planning, so my behavior has a huge impact on his happiness as well. Not only did he want me to not ‘get crazy’, but he also wanted us to enjoy his birthday in the way that he prefers. We are all a work in progress, and this is definitely something I am working on – I’m just happy to have a partner who understands me and tries to push me at the same time.

But next time, I will definitely have a backup plan. I can always cancel if needed. J

Dating Drama

It has been almost four years now since I have gone on a 'first date' and there are times that I miss the excitement of meeting someone new, the anxiety of picking out an outfit, and the thrill of giving out my phone number. I have never been happier with my relationship status than I am now, but several of my friends are still single and I enjoy hearing their stories of ridiculousness when it comes to dating.

This week, I heard one of the best stories I had in some time and remembered that once upon a time, I had started a dating blog. It was never published (to protect the identity of my victims dates and to ensure I would continue to be date-able), but thanks to Blogger.com I still have the entries.

I thought it might be fun to share...enjoy!

"Online dating is something I'm becoming more comfortable with - so comfortable in fact, that I am now officially a member of all of them. You can find me on Yahoo Personals, eHarmony, Match, and I'll even take a stab at some crazies on Craig's List.

I emailed a man from Craig's List a few weeks ago. Michael responded, and we exchanged photos - he was very cute. He works for the government and lives in Brooklyn, and immediately we had a lot in common. We emailed frequently enough, and when I decided to do my marathon date week (going on a date every night for a full week), I immediately asked him to be a part of it. We decided to meet for coffee tonight after work.

Showing up early is a trick of mine when going on a blind date. I like for the person to have to find me, as I hate standing in a place searching for someone I've never met. Apparently Michael uses this trick as well, because even though I arrived at the coffee shop at 5:30pm for our 6pm date, he arrived not five minutes later.

Initially, he walked right by me, but I knew it was him. He was much larger than the picture he shared and he was carrying flowers - gerber daisies. In one of our emails, he asked me a variety of questions, including what my favorite flower was and I responded brightly colored gerber daisies. Sadly, he brought them.

He then found me, and seemed turned off by the fact that I used his trick of showing up early, but immediately offered to buy my coffee. While he went to do that, I was thinking of my escape. I could have sworn he said he was 32 years old, but looked older than 40 (he admitted later he was 36). His picture was only from the chest up, and he was definitely bottom heavy (although I am no one to judge about being bottom heavy, I do send real pictures).

We started chatting and the date got worse - his breathe was awful. And he talked A LOT. He talked about himself, his family (as luck would have it, he lives with his parents), his job, his ex-girlfriends, his job again, where he has lived in the past, his friends, his ex-girlfriends again (and again and again). I hoped for a gas mask, but it never came. I drank my coffee and finally he asked me once about myself, but I didn't really have a chance to answer. He had that interrupting thing down pat.

Why is it that people feel comfortable sharing information about former relationships on a first date? It is not appropriate. Frankly, I don't care about your past yet and it is a major sign to me that you are not over it. He definitely was not - his last relationship of 3 years ended in January and I was his first date since. We spent too much of our short time together talking about this woman and her son.

After I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I excused myself to the restroom, sent my sister an SOS text message and checked the time. It was only 6:45pm. I had only been with him for about an hour, but somehow it felt like days.

I decided to then play the date as though I was trying to get out of jury duty. Everything he said to me became an arguable point. He talked about wanting children and I immediately said no, never, not at all (which is partially true, but the never no is not concrete). He brought up religion and politics, and I presented all opposite views. The frustrating part was that he then changed his thoughts to agree with me! I hate when they do that.

The cherry on the sundae was when he continued to mention the flowers he brought and actually said, "well based on our emails, it didn't seem that you had gotten flowers in a long time". Insulted, I corrected him and let him know that I have indeed gotten my fill of flowers for a lifetime. I also reminded him that flowers die (but unfortunately this date would not).

Finally someone heard my prayers and the coffee shop flickered the lights, letting us know they were soon closing. It was 7pm. Michael asked me if I wanted to have dinner, and I used the 'I have dinner plans at 7:30p' fib, which worked. He then talked about how great the date was (for him, I imagine it was - everyone likes to hear themselves talk) and how we should do something more serious next time.

I replied, 'Perhaps'.

And tomorrow 'perhaps' I'll send him an email letting him know that means never."

A Good Night's Sleep

We bought a new bed!  Hooray!  Most of you will not understand the significance of this purchase, but it is indeed momentous.

First, I should share that for the past 18 months (and prior to that when we slept at ‘my’ apartment), we have been sleeping on a full size bed. This may not seem like an issue to many, but one would need to understand our sizes to really appreciate our ability to share this space. My husband is 74” tall and probably 22” wide when lying down. I am 63” tall and probably 26” wide when lying down (my friends refer to them as ‘child bearing’ hips). So together, our dimensions lying down are 74” x 48”. A full size bed is 75” x 54”.

Second, the mattress we had been sleeping on was a hand-me-down that was probably about 30 years old. My obsessive nature led me to cover it with an egg crate and mattress pad as well as a double sheet, but none of that could prevent us both rolling into the middle of the bed every night and finding it almost impossible to get out of the bed every morning.

Needless to say, sleeping had not been that comfortable. We had no choice but to be in each other’s space, and David likes to cuddle and spoon – both of which I try to avoid at all costs.

One might wonder why we were in this situation for so long, and this is honestly all my fault. I am terribly indecisive when it comes to what I consider a major purchase. After research and testing, reading and trying things out, I freeze. I suppose it all aligns with my general commitment issues (and yes, I somehow made it to marriage – anything is possible).  Instead of making a choice, I simply stop.

When I purchased my apartment three and a half years ago, the oven did not work. So I checked out some ovens online, went shopping, and then learned to use my crockpot to the best of its ability. Finally, this year, my husband had enough of my barbecue chicken and we bought a new oven. And I couldn’t be happier!  It’s perfect and I can bake again. Then one day David bought us a bed frame to match our bedroom set and I knew what was coming. We drove to Sleepy’s, and an hour later we had purchased our first QUEEN size bed together. And now, we can sleep happily ever after. If I don’t give my husband enough credit, here it is – thank you for making me uncomfortable for 20-60 minutes, so I can be comfortable every night in our home.

By the way, did I mention my car died?  Let’s see how long this purchase takes…

Lessons Learned

This weekend, my parents will be celebrating their 40^th wedding anniversary.  Their marriage has had a tremendous impact on my life, so I wanted to share some of the lessons I have learned.

Be a team.

As children, we all test our parents to see if we can get one of them to go against the other and approve a request. My sister and I tried this a few times, and of course, it never worked. My parents have always been a unit. Sometimes my Mom is the captain and sometimes my Dad is the coach, but they are always wearing the same team jersey. They are each other's biggest fans and strongest defenders. And while they may not always agree, no one else would know – they praise in public, and criticize in private. I have learned that this unity is vital to a successful marriage.

Love unconditionally.

My father's ability to zone out the world while reading the newspaper irks my mother, and my mother's need to change the location of everything in the kitchen once a month for 'fun' irks my father, but at the end of the day, they both see the big picture in each other. They may not like everything about each other, but they love each other unconditionally. I have learned that this is not an easy task, but it is essential to making a marriage work.

Keep the faith.

One of my fondest memories from childhood was listening to the Top 40 Countdown on the way to church every Sunday (and getting bagels on the way home). My parents’ focus was on the destination - they have always been active members of our faith community, and have dedicated their lives to providing Catholic education to others. God has remained an integral part of their marriage, which has helped them keep the faith in each other. I have learned that this faith will get you through the hard times and make the easy times even easier.  

Laugh. A lot.

There has not been one day spent with my parents without laughter and joy. Whether it was my Dad ‘mooning’ my Mom at Jones Beach or my Mom playing April Fools’ jokes on my Dad, and even during the wakes of loved ones and visits to the hospital, laughter has always been a part of their marriage. I have learned that marriage should be fun and you have to be able to laugh at yourself and each other.

Give generously.

When I question my parents for being too generous, they usually respond with, ‘what’s the worst thing they could put on my tombstone – that I gave too much?’ My parents have always given more than they have and they never say no to someone in need. Their annual contributions to charity make them a target for the IRS (I suppose it’s unbelievable now that people are generally kind and good?), and they are always available to lend a helping hand. I have learned that you don’t get to take the ‘stuff’ with you at the end of this life, and giving to others makes you better as a married couple.

Show affection.

My parents call each other Precious. And they kiss hello every time they see each other. When I was in high school (and sometimes now) it grossed me out a bit, but they never had a hard time showing each other love. They work hard to focus on their actions towards each other and not just their words. I have learned to be comfortable in showing my affection to my husband. Even if it skeeves out our future children.

Do things you don't like.

My mother hates the beach. My father hates romantic comedies. But they go to Florida on vacation and they get the senior discount at the movies. My parents have always been able to compromise and do things for each other, regardless of their preference. I have learned that marriage means flexibility and loving someone so much that you'll do what they like (even if you’d rather be doing anything else).

Sometimes it's okay to take a break.

Married couples argue, and my parents are certainly no different (although honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times they fought in front of my sister and I). The few times they had an argument, my father would always go for a walk, probably for about 20 minutes. He and my Mom needed time to process and they realized that taking a break would calm the situation. They would also take random breaks from each other (and parenthood) by having a night out with siblings or taking weekend trips with friends. I have learned that taking a quick break from a heated discussion or daily life means that you will come back to your marriage refreshed, recharged and reunited.

Family is everything. 

We have always been a family of four, technically, but my parents have made our family so much more than that. My Mom and Dad treat everyone like family – friends and loved ones, and people who have nowhere else to go. Each Thanksgiving there is a new person in our annual family photo, because anyone who doesn’t have plans that day becomes a part of our family. I have learned that family is what matters, whether they are ‘related’ or not, and at the end of the day expanding your family will enhance your marriage.

Take care of each other. And then get over it.

My parents have had some very difficult times. They have dealt with scary situations and suffered tragic losses. But they have always had each other to lean on, and then they have focused on moving forward. Together. I have learned that you have to take care of each other during the difficult times, but then you have to get over it, move forward, and choose to be happy. Especially when it comes to your marriage.

Thank you, Tom and Al (yes, I call them by their first names), for always showing me love and teaching me about marriage. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have had your partnership as an inspiration in my life.

Socially Networked

We keep hearing statistics about Facebook material being used as evidence in divorce cases.  The numbers change every time I hear something, but the end result is the same, and it makes me think about the impact of social networking on marriage.

Could social networking ruin a relationship? No. People ruin relationships. But could it have an impact on a relationship? Absolutely! And not always a positive one.

My husband asked me out on our first date via Facebook. Yes, this really happened. We had gone out on a double date, I gave him my number, and, as is now an appropriate next step, we ‘friended’ each other on this social networking site. I did not receive a phone call or text, but about a week later, a private message asking me out on a date. Who does that?! Apparently more people than I knew at the time (and I imagine many more than I know of now). I responded to him with a quick witted note about how I wouldn’t be going out with someone because they Facebook-ed me, but when he decided to pick up a phone, then perhaps we could have dinner. Clearly, he got the hint.

Social networking has continued to play a part in our relationship. When we decided to date exclusively, my husband changed his relationship status, while I decided to wait. I did not want to respond to my family and friends when receiving the inevitable ‘good for you!’ messages and posts, as though dating someone is an accomplishment. When David proposed, we called all of our close friends and family but had to ask them not to post it publicly because we wanted to make sure that our aunts received a personal phone call before seeing cousins write congratulatory notes. And then we posted our relationship status update at the same time, so neither of our sets of 'friends' felt excluded or had to hear the news from anyone else. Finally, on our wedding day, before we even left the church, there was a photo posted of us kissing for the first time.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love social networking. My ability to keep up with long lost friends and distant family makes me very happy. And I love following celebrities to learn about their ‘real life’. I feel connected without having to do much work – it’s a very easy, passive way of maintaining certain relationships and building others. But it can cause issues as well. I have had conflicts with real friends (people I spend time with on a regular basis) based on what either of us post about our activity, and I have become frustrated with family who post pictures or updates instead of calling to let me know when something happened. At times, I have become inappropriately jealous of other people’s lives, even though I am completely happy with mine. The impact of social networking is greater than we know, and apparently beginning to have a serious impact on marriage.

Twitter has given me the opportunity to follow celebrities and politicians, as well as keep up with the news without having to read a paper. At times, I will write to one of the Real Housewives and let her know what a tool she is being on the show, or re-tweet some of Tracy Morgan’s ridiculous jokes. And when the person follows me or writes me back? Best. Day. Ever. My husband has a particular concern about my adoration of Cory Booker. I find him to be smart and funny - he is one of my favorite people to follow. And he has responded to me on an occasion or two, which makes my stomach jump a little from excitement. There is no danger in my mini-crush, as I am madly in love with David and not moving to Newark anytime soon (plus, I don’t think Cory is interested), but it makes me wonder about people who may not be happy in their marriage. Instead of working on their relationship, it may be easier to use social networking as a way out. People reconnect with high school sweethearts, ex-lovers and former flames, and if you’re not secure in yourself and your relationship, it can provide some dangerous ground.

Obviously there is a much bigger discussion to have on society and values and where we are headed, but for now, I appreciate when my husband writes sweet love notes on my Facebook wall and that I am able to keep in touch with my cousin Brian, while following Cory Booker and learning about the latest news updates from CNN. Socially networked, I am.

Six Months Already?!

Well, it seems married life just makes the time fly right by – would you believe that my husband and I have now been married for six months? Considering the fact that we almost broke up at the six month mark of dating (long story, glad that passed) and that everyone has warned us the first year of marriage is the hardest, I feel that we have made quite an accomplishment. Hooray for us!  

But really, I wanted to take this opportunity to provide some updates on our marriage, the year of fun, and the blog itself. 

Marriage has been awesome so far. Honestly! This is not to say we don’t have our tiffs and riffs, but overall it is a beautiful life that we are building. And I am so happy to be a partner to my husband! We have had a tremendous six months and experienced some serious ups and downs, but knowing that David is a constant makes everything manageable. It is rare to know that you have someone who will be there regardless of what happens and this is something I treasure in our relationship. As my husband always says, we are our family now. And that’s exactly how it feels.

The Year of Fun has been amazing! We have traveled, explored, lived it up, celebrated with friends, spent time with family, let go of stress, and enjoyed each other and our time alone to the fullest. And the best part about letting go and doing only what we want is that it has brought us success and joy. A few months ago I received a promotion to a new and exciting position and my husband is in the process of negotiating a new job offer as well! Being members of a DINK (Double Income No Kids) household is a benefit that we are enjoying to the fullest!

After my post on Newlyweight, my husband woke up one morning and told me he wanted to focus on weight loss and get ready in case (after the Year of Fun) we move towards having the tiny tots. So, we did! I am happy to say that we have lost almost 20 pounds as a couple – we’re moving slow and steady in this regard, but the good news is that we are moving. David has started playing basketball again and I decide to run randomly as always, but we are making progress. The clothes fit again, woo hoo!

And one more update – my husband found his ring. He came clean about leaving it on the fruit stand and I decided to be kind and give it back to him. He has not forgotten it since.

Finally, a note on the blog itself. This began as an outlet for me to discuss the challenges and adventures of the first year of marriage, and I want to thank you for all of your support and feedback. Please continue to comment and helpful hints are more than welcome. I really appreciate your thoughts on marriage, as they only help us all succeed. And I wanted to let you know that I have decided (with the support of my amazing husband) to continue the blog after the first year. After all, David and I are just two little freshmen in the high school of marriage. Doesn’t it get a lot more exciting after that? 

Thanks for reading!

The Attitude of Gratitude

My husband and I are currently feuding over thank you notes. Okay, feuding is a bit dramatic, but we are at a standstill. We were married almost six months ago, and if it were up to me, the thank you notes would have been sent out within six weeks. While I have heard rumors of etiquette stating we have one year to send them, the thought makes me shudder. The only reason we delayed was because we wanted to use a professional photograph and did not want the notes to get lost in the holiday mail. Most of them went out in the 3-4 month range. Most of them. 

Since I felt that I did more work on the wedding planning then David, I decided I would not be writing the thank you notes for his ‘side’. But knowing how my husband likes to procrastinate, I wrote the notes for both of our immediate families and the bridal party. His are still pending. And the frustrating part is that I have tried everything to get him to do them! I have begged, pleaded, attempted manipulation, bargained, and attempted bribery. Nothing is working. My husband is terribly stubborn – the more I request it be done, the less likely it is to happen. 

And the worst part? He has done some of them. There are only 9 notes left to mail, 7 of which are already written. Several friends and family members have received them, and a few have not. And for some strange reason, my husband does not see the problem with this. I am becoming more embarrassed by the day and just hope we do not run into the 9 people anytime in the near future.

In general, I am a huge proponent of the thank you note. They are personal, meaningful and always appropriate. I am also a big fan of sending them out in a timely manner, as they do lose value. Unfortunately, I have been to weddings, showers, and other events without receiving a thank you note, and am still shocked every time (and yes, I keep a running list – rest assured, I will not be at your next function!). 

But more important than the note is the fact that someone is thankful. The attitude of gratitude is not present enough in today’s society. And generally not present enough in relationships. Couples become too comfortable and sincerely forget to be grateful for their partner. David is always telling me that I am too critical and that I do not recognize all of the ‘good stuff’ he does. We disagree on this, because while he thinks I am ungrateful, it is hard for me to understand why I should thank him for doing things we both do, or for doing things that are his responsibility. And I do thank him for the big stuff. My response to his frustration is usually asking if he would like a gold star, which is my passive aggressive, ugly way of daring him to request validation. But really, why should I have to thank my husband for doing half of the household chores? I’m doing the other half and not receiving a thank you!

I suppose it would be better to suck it up and say those two simple words a bit more often. At the end of the day, we all just want appreciation and recognition for doing good things and being good people. Perhaps if I show more gratitude, it will be paid forward, and I will receive some as well. Appreciation karma, here goes…

David, I am grateful to you for making me laugh, wiping my tears and being present for every emotion in between. Thank you for all that you do to make our house a home and our marriage a partnership. I appreciate your patience, kindness and respect for all people, and I am grateful to have you as a role model in the ‘let’s be kind to others’ department. Thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors and always celebrating my success. I am grateful for your unconditional love, bear hugs and million kisses. Thank you for being you and for choosing me.

Now, go write those thank you notes.

Ring His Neck

My husband always forgets to wear his wedding ring. Yesterday, I came home and it was hanging on our fruit stand (which is where we both hang our rings if we are doing the dishes – the good news is he was doing the dishes), and I decided that I would play a trick on him. I have now hidden his ring and will wait and see how long he takes to tell me it is missing.

Let me back track for a minute, though.

The wedding band symbolizes the eternity of our commitment and love, and shows the world that we are married. Yes, this is important, but this is not what frustrates me about David not wearing his ring. What bothers me is the history regarding this man and rings. When we first became engaged, my husband was jealous of my ring and wanted one of his own (yes, he has these girl-like qualities, and I still love him). One day, we were at an Oktoberfest celebration and after consuming some exceptional beer, I went shopping at the vendor stands and purchased him an engagement ring. He wore it religiously. And I didn’t mind most of the time, but occasionally I would be embarrassed by this ridiculous behavior. But he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

Then we went shopping for wedding rings. I found mine at the second store we visited, and he took six months to find his. It had to be perfect – he wanted a specific metal, style, fit, and he must have tried on over 100 rings before he found ‘the one’.  And I went along for the very frustrating ride, but again, he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

We got married and I thought the ring drama would end. But sadly, a month into our marriage, we went out to celebrate my Mom’s birthday and David was not wearing his ring. He told us that he ‘must have forgotten it’. So I took action – I wrote the word ‘taken’ on his left ring finger. I did not want there to be any confusion when the inappropriately dressed women at the casino checked him out while he played the Star Trek slot machine. When we got home the next day, my husband admitted that he did not know where the ring was. After searching for some time, he found it in a pile of laundry, but it had been missing for several days. He was wearing his engagement ring instead (I had not noticed), but he never told me! Obviously I was more upset about the fact that he did not tell me it was missing, than the fact that he lost it.

There have been a few ‘I forgot it at home’ incidents since, and again, my concern is not with my husband actually wearing his wedding ring. I am very aware of the fact that we are married and committed and in love, and certainly don’t need a piece of jewelry to confirm that. However, I will continue to make fun of him for harassing me to buy him a ring, for being so picky, and for always ‘forgetting’ something that was SO important to him. I’ll let you know when he ‘finds’ his ring now…

Dollars and Sense

More money, more problems! Finances are a challenge in many relationships and the cause of many breakups, and I can absolutely see why. Sharing money and negotiating finances can be very difficult in a capitalist country where marriages are starting later in life. We are raised to make as much money as possible in order to have a better life and maintain our independence. And, as I explained to my mother soon after our wedding, times have changed – there are new challenges in marriages because partners rarely enter into a marriage straight out of a childhood. My husband and I had years to be selfish, make our own money, set our own budgets and make decisions on how to manage our own finances. To expect either of us to change our ways in the blink of an eye (or blink of a nuptial in this case) is quite unreasonable.

My husband became unemployed when we were dating about a year and a half, and this was the first time that finances became an issue. I will never forget a trip to Sam’s Club where I paid the bill and then flipped out and told him that I would not be paying for everything just because he was not working. The poor guy was already feeling low about being laid off and there I was, his future wife (at this point, I do believe he questioned this) letting him know that I would not take care of him. And in my head, since we weren’t engaged or living together, this was not yet permanent, I was not going to be taken advantage of, and I preferred to only worry about myself when it came to my money. But in reality he could still take care of himself and did not need me financially. While we got through this tiff, we did not progress in having any appropriate conversations about our finances.

Fast forward nine months, we are newly engaged and wondering how to pay for the big, fun wedding that we both want. David was now working, so I was not as obnoxious about the situation, but we still had our work set out for us. We set up a joint savings account in order to pay for the wedding and each contributed to it on a very regular basis. That, along with the generosity of both of our sets of parents, let us have the celebration that we wanted. And it gave us both peace of mind that we were equally involved in paying for our wedding.

And at the same time we moved in together. I have not disguised the fact that this was a difficult transition, but I have purposely glossed over the reasons why, and finances have been a big part of the challenge. Neither of us was ready to share a bank account and each of us had our debt to cover, so we kept our regular finances separate. I have student loans and a mortgage, and my husband enjoys the flexibility of credit cards. He does not trust debit cards and uses automatic online payments, while I do not trust anything automatic and have an intimate relationship with my debit card. The questions continued to arise on how to move forward, so we looked at other couples for advice. We know couples who share everything – they have one savings account and one checking account and pay all their bills together. And we know couples who share nothing – one covers the mortgage while the other covers all of the other bills. We know couples where one partner does all of the finances and the other just set up their direct deposit. And we know couples who file their taxes separately after 20 years of marriage, and each of the spouses claim one of their children. 

David and I have six bank accounts. Yes, six. He has a checking and savings, I have a checking and savings, and we share a checking and savings. We are both extremely stubborn when it comes to our finances, but just recently we came to a resolution (and yes, it has been 15 months since we moved in together). We have divvied up our bills and set up a prorated payment plan based on our current salaries. Yes, it may seem ridiculous to some and completely logical to others, but it was how we, as a married couple, could move forward financially. Both of us continue to contribute to the savings, but the shared checking account is on hold until we can both let go of our other accounts.

As with all of the challenges that marriage has presented, communication is the key. For awhile we were at a standstill and the frustrations were growing. This has definitely been one of the more contentious points in our relationship, but I am happy to report that we are progressing and have a plan that works. For now.

Milestones & Memories

mile·stone [mahyl-stohn]

noun

1.  a stone functioning as a milepost

2.  a significant event or stage in the life, progress, development, or the like of a person, nation, etc.

I met my husband in 2008, and that year was filled with some other significant milestones. I am most reminiscent this week because it is my favorite holiday (St. Patrick’s Day) and the anniversary of one of the biggest events in my life (my run in with the big ‘C’).   

My New Year’s resolution that year was to be more social, date more frequently, and use different venues to meet people – to step out of my comfort zone in every way possible. On January 16, 2008, I met my husband. I had decided to attend a friend’s 30^th birthday dinner where I would know absolutely no one and he was there when I arrived. He was dressed nicely, drinking a glass of red wine, and from across the room I knew that I wanted to get to know him better. Not a hippie by trade, but I always tell people because it’s true – I could see his aura and it was just wonderful, I knew he was a good person right away. I was like a fly to a bug zapper. We spoke the entire night, but he did not ask for my number. So I spent the next six months trying to see him again... Finally, David and I went on our first double date on July 26, 2008, we went on our first date alone together on August 31, 2008, and we decided not to date other people on December 18, 2008. I was a smitten kitten and remember all of these dates due to my obsessive nature, but also because they were milestones in my life.

My mother graduated from college on May 11, 2008, which happened to be Mother’s Day that year. I remember how overwhelmingly proud I was, and the inability to hold back joyous tears while she walked across that stage. Her smile is forever stuck in my mind, along with her amazing confidence while accepting her diploma. My sister got married on May 24, 2008. We sang karaoke and danced to 80’s music at her bachelorette party, and her tea party themed shower was such a beautiful day. I remember her wedding shoes and her gorgeous hair and makeup on 'the big day', but most importantly, the pure joy on her face when she said ‘I do’ and walked into the reception holding her husband’s hand.  Both of these milestones made 2008 an amazing year. Family really is everything.

I was diagnosed with melanoma on March 14, 2008. My dermatologist started the conversation talking about stages of cancer and how this was the best case scenario. I remember feeling my heart pounding out of my chest as I took notes on what she was saying, because the words were incomprehensible. It was a beautiful day and I walked home from work and had 20 minutes alone before telling anyone. Twenty minutes of denial and freedom. Twenty minutes before I had to repeat the information to others, making it a reality. My first surgery was April 3, 2008, the second was May 29, 2008, the third (and last) was August 19, 2008. And I fought back and ran my first marathon on October 26, 2008, supporting The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The feelings of achievement and exuberance as I crossed that finish line will forever be embedded in my mind. I will never forget the look of pride on my Dad’s face at the 26 mile mark and the tight hugs that I received from my family afterwards. 

The milestones in our lives make us who we are and can change us in the most dramatic ways. These are the life events that build everlasting memories. In this first year of marriage, we have tons of milestones because we have so many firsts! Our first long vacation together was our honeymoon and we will always remember the fun couple from Wyoming, the fabulous pina coladas and the smell of the delicious salt water. When we returned we opened our first joint bank account. We grieved our first big loss together and I will never forget listening as my husband received the bad news, then, as delicately as possible, passed it along to me. And we celebrated our first big job promotion with an amazing dinner that I can still taste. Four years later, I am reminiscent, but looking forward to new milestones with my new husband in our new life together.

Newlyweight

A dilemma I have found as someone who is recently married is the feeling of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Okay, this is not exactly true - I feel it more on my butt, hips and thighs. Since that magical day just four months ago, the flabby arms have returned, the bloated feeling after eating too much has become more regular, and my husband and I can best be described as lethargic. We have been wining and dining, and not moving all that much, and now we have a serious problem in our marriage - newlyweight.


Newlyweight [noo-lee-weyt] noun - weight gained post matrimony, due to relief of stress, lack of concern over fitting in set attire, realization of unconditional love, and general happiness.


As many brides do, I made an effort to lose weight prior to the wedding. My focus was to look my very best, while still looking like myself, so I worked out, tried to eat right and took good care of myself. I was able to lose weight, but more importantly felt confident walking down that aisle. And during the process, I dragged my husband along with me, so he also dropped a few pounds (which of course, everyone noticed first - isn't this always the way?). After the wedding, we went on our honeymoon and this was the start of the downfall - all you can eat, all you can drink, and two people coming off a 'high' from a very stressful and exciting day. And since the honeymoon, we have been busy and lazy and not having an event to look forward to, so here we are with some extra weight.

I have found weight can become an issue in many relationships. When you start dating someone, you tend to eat out more, and as you become more serious, you tend to stay in more. Then you become engaged and focus on losing weight, and then you get married and lose focus. The babies come and it goes into a completely new world (which, frankly, frightens me). The level of comfort obtained in being a loving relationship can make someone who has a tendency to gain weight easily do just that. While being in love is a wonderful thing, it is vital to remember to love yourself and take care of yourself in order to be a true partner. As happy as the take out and ice cream make me, I much prefer waking up and loving how I look in the first outfit I try on for the day. And I do believe my husband will appreciate me not taking it out on him when we are running late because of my 12 outfit changes.

I wish I could say 'our battle with weight continues', but honestly we have yet to put on the armor! We know what to do and how to do it, and now we just have to make it a priority in our marriage.  More to come, friends, more to come...

Playing with Roles

Last week, I was watching the premiere of one of my favorite reality shows, Bethenny Ever After, and something Bethenny talked about also rings true in my marriage. I must make a note here – because of my ridiculous addiction to reality television, I have given it up for Lent this year. More to come on that later. Bethenny was talking about how everyone loves her husband Jason and talks about wonderful and amazing he is, leaving her to be the ‘bad guy’ in their marriage. This made me think about roles in relationships, and how my husband and I are viewed and compared.

My husband is the epitome of “the nice guy”. He is kind, loving, caring, passive, friendly, and funny, and everyone loves him. Everyone. All of my friends told me to marry him upon their first meeting and my family adores him. They love him more than golf or scotch, which is kind of a big deal. David is the kind of guy that no one has a conflict with ever – he is laid back and generally pleasant, all the time. So this is what the world sees (as do I, hence the marriage). But there is another side to my husband that people may not see right away, and may never know. David is stubborn and loves to procrastinate. He is messy and can be over affectionate. He likes to always be ‘right’ and win arguments and has a vast knowledge of random facts that are interesting for about five minutes. His taste in music and television are very different than mine, so we argue over the DVR at home and the radio station on long road trips. But only I get to see these traits, while the rest of the world tells me how lucky I am because he is so wonderful and amazing.

On the other hand, I am loud, obnoxious, funny, obsessive, bold, aggressive and ridiculous, and never miss an opportunity to give my opinion. People love me too, but those are usually my kind of people, not always the general public. I can be overbearing and abrupt, but will do anything for my friends or family, and know how to throw a great party. This is what the world sees, and compared to my husband, the perception can be that I am the aggressor (not completely false), that I ‘control’ our relationship (not always true) and am the master of our domain (I wish!). And I do believe that at times my David enjoys this view. When he does not feel like socializing with his friends, they will always assume it is because of me – not necessarily that I told him not to go, but that he would not go out of some strange fear. And when he does not want to clean the house, he tells me it is because he knows I would not like it done his way due to my obsessive nature. Finally, when we argue, it is clearly my fault because, as everyone knows, I am the one who created this relationship dynamic and the argument is usually because we have gone off track.

I do believe this is the situation for every relationship. We each have roles that make us most comfortable. In our case, David prefers to be passive, and I prefer to be aggressive. There are days that I would LOVE to take a backseat and let him do everything, but that just does not happen. It is not his personality to do so, and inevitably I would be unhappy with the change, and we are quickly back at square one. With these roles in relationships comes outside perceptions and views, and we are all guilty of being judgmental. I have often thought of how ‘mean’ one partner is to the other and ‘controlling’ they are in their relationship. But, at the end of the day, it is their relationship, not mine. And somehow, it works for them. Who am I to tell them what works? I certainly would not want their opinion on my marriage.  

My favorite thing is to compare our relationship to others. It is very clear that we have people in our lives whose relationship roles we mirror:

Theresa is similar to...	David is similar to...
Theresa’s Mom	Theresa’s Dad
David’s Mom	David’s Dad
Theresa’s Brother-in-Law	Theresa’s Sister
Bethenny Frankel	Jason Hoppy
Kris Jenner	Bruce Jenner
Most of David’s friends	Most of David’s friends’ partners
Most of Theresa’s friends’ partners	Most of Theresa’s friends
Ellen Degeneres	Portia DeRossi
Michelle Obama	Barack Obama

It is very clear that we play similar roles to other relationships we have been in, or those we viewed growing up. In both of our parents’ relationships, our fathers were more laid back while our mothers were more assertive. David has always been surrounded by strong personalities among his family and friends, while I tend to be the stronger personality among my family and friends. It is no wonder that when we first became serious, there were some conflicts. Everyone in our lives were used to a certain dynamic of a relationship with each of us, and in some instances that was thrown off completely. When there are new relationship dynamics, there is bound to be conflict (luckily, all of which has been resolved).  

At the end of the day, it is important to recognize our roles in our relationship, to be aware of how we interact, and understand when things seem ‘off’. And it’s nice to mix it up and have a change of pace once in awhile (I love when my husband tells me what to do - wink, wink). We have to be comfortable in our roles and know that it does not mean I am the ‘bad guy’ or that he is not in control of our relationship. We have to remember that it is OUR relationship, so when the haters arise, we can ignore the judging and be happy with ‘us’ as we are!