Year in Review

Before jumping on the blog bandwagon of writing about my resolutions (which will come next week), I thought it would be a good time to reminisce about the past year. Not usually one to look backwards, but I feel it's important to understand where we've been and what we've been through, before figuring out where we need to go next.

In short, 2011 was amazing! Obviously the main event was our wedding and everything that came with that - dress shopping, vendor meeting, pre-cana, bachelor and bachelorette parties, showers, etc.  We were also able to celebrate a few weddings of our friends and family which were fabulous! The amount of love I felt this year was more than ever in my life and I am forever grateful for that.

But the real world is not "Facebook positive" as I refer to it. You know, where everyone only posts the BEST things that are happening to them, and fail to mention the crap that comes along with real life? There were definitely some challenges this year. David and I moved in together in January and it was very difficult. The transition of having lived alone for 11 years to now sharing 750 square feet with someone was tough (and still is some days). I realized that I never lived with anyone I dated for a reason, and if we weren't married, I would still be living alone!

There were some sad times this year as well. Good friends lost close loved ones and my heart still breaks for them. And I lost someone very special to me - my grandfather, Pop. I grew up living with Pop and we bonded over root beer floats, hess trucks and the tv show Quincy. He was sarcastic and funny, and had a low tolerance for stupid, but was loving and caring in his own 'no frills' way. I was blessed to have him in my life for so long, and miss him more than I thought I would. But I am happy that he was able to know David and his first great grandchild before he left us, and am grateful that he is home with his wife after too long of a time apart.

Speaking of the circle of life, there was great expansion! Babies were born, in-laws were made and my family and group of friends more than doubled in size. It is a wonderful thing, having two sets of loving parents, two extra siblings, hundreds of extra cousins (yes, hundreds, there are tons of them!), and a great new group of friends who love me as if I've known them for 15 years. The transition is not always easy and definitely still in process, and in many ways we are all still getting to know each other (more to come on this in 2012).

Our health is good, even though I seem to have gained the newlywed weight I was warned about and David does not (AARGH). And our faith continues to grow - we found a wonderful new church community this year and were able to attend two marriage preparation retreats, building and renewing our faith in each other. I am grateful every day for all the gifts we have been given.

The year also included as much fun as possible on a 'wedding savers' budget. Trips to Vegas, Vermont, and Atlantic City were taken (not huge gamblers, just a coincidence), and we enjoyed a ton of free, fun local events. Concerts and parties were attended, dancing occurred, and we wined and dined thanks to Groupon and Living Social. Time spent with family and friends is always the most important, and I honestly cannot remember the last weekend we were alone (usually a good thing, but we may try it out next year).

The New Year is a great time to start over, but also a good opportunity to look back, say 'thank you' and learn what you could do better next time. I have learned so much about myself this year and about who I want to be in the future. And I am so grateful for my health, my husband, my family and friends, life, love and the fact that this 750 square foot apartment has separate rooms when needed.  Happy New Year!!!

Jealous Pie (with a side of whipped cream)

In every relationship, there comes a time where a partner becomes jealous.  There may be jealousy over time, priorities, or (the worst kind) other people.  Jealousy usually stems from our own insecurities, but can snowball into a serious relationship defect.  This subject came to mind because of an incident that occurred recently (funny story pending, keep reading).

Everyone at some point says, “I’m not usually a jealous person, but…”, and these words have definitely come out of my mouth. Yes, I can be jealous, but more of the issue is that I have to always win. I am a winner. When Charlie Sheen went crazy a few months ago and the term ‘winning’ became popular, I was all too familiar. I hate losing and I am very competitive, which is a terrible trait that I have been ‘working on’ for about 10 years. When it comes to my husband, my need to win has at times been a part of our relationship. I have felt the need to win his attention, time, affection and love, which (luckily) he has given me in abundance. But when I feel all of that may be threatened, my insecurities arise and the jealousy takes over.

Jealousy is the devil on your left shoulder, whispering terrible, unreasonable thoughts in your ear that can drive you insane - “she’s so much prettier” “he seems so distant” “working this late, really?” “why are his friends more important than you?”. Meanwhile, the real world is on your right shoulder, passing by as you obsess over ridiculous thoughts.  At times, jealousy can be an indicator of inappropriate behavior and instincts can be accurate. But in most cases it is more of your own issue than that of the other person.

With the holiday season in full effect, I had the opportunity to attend my husband’s work party and interact with his colleagues. There is a woman he works with who I had met previously and was not a fan. She presents herself as meek and helpless, and has the ability to integrate flirty behavior into every interaction. And knowing David, who is a sucker for those Sarah McLachlan puppy commercials, I know that he might pity the fool in this case. At the party, this woman was wearing a dress that was not really work appropriate, and was able to refer to both her lips and her cleavage in the brief conversation the three of us shared. My husband did not notice, which he never, ever does. But I did. 

Women know women. We have each other’s number, we know each other’s game. I do not think that this woman has considerable interest in my husband, but rather a great interest in being the center of attention. 

Fast forward a week and David mentions that he received a Christmas gift from said woman (Sluts McGee, I like to call her ). I asked what it was and he claimed not to know, so I opened it. It was alcohol infused whipped cream called "Cream".

Let’s discuss. 

David clearly knew that I would be affected by this gift so pretended not to know what it was (probably a good idea on his part) and I think he also realized at this point that I might know her better than he does.

What to do with such a gift?! I had several thank you notes written: “Dear Sluts, Thank you so much for the whipped cream. As newlyweds, we sure appreciated it last night.” “Dear Ms. McGee, You’re gift was terribly inappropriate and we do not feel comfortable keeping it. Thank you for the thought and happy holidays.” “Dear Sluts, Keep your small boobs and your short dress away from my husband!” “Dear Ms. McGee, Thank you for the gift. I am sorry that you are lonely this holiday season.”

None were sent of course, and the bottle sits in our refrigerator today. It has become an important conversation piece in our home – I feel comfortable talking to David when the jealousy spiral begins and he has opened his eyes to the possibility of there being ‘not so nice’ people in the world. He also feels comfortable telling me that I have nothing to worry about (i.e. ‘you’re insane!’) and I am working on decreasing my need to win. Communication is the key and I hope that by keeping that door open we will be prepared to face the more serious concerns of the future. But for now, we are going to enjoy some alcohol infused whipped cream with our eggnog.  Ho ho ho! 

'Tis the Season

The holiday season is upon us, which means increased spending, compromising on time with family and lack of intimacy due to a whole lot of stress – some of the top reasons couples divorce, put into a five week period when the days are shorter and the lines are longer. AACK! Luckily, it also means remembering how much you love someone when you open that special gift, renewing your faith in each other during that New Year’s kiss and taking time to appreciate your crazy families in hopes that the one you create will be toned down just a tad.

I am pretty lucky, though. Being a newlywed means that the increased spending is allowed this year because we have limited financial obligations, and we are still excited to be intimate (wink, wink) regardless of how busy or stressed. The one challenge I have is the family sharing. David is happy to spend time with either of our families, regardless of which holiday or how much time. I am a bit selfish when it comes to this. Please refer to previous posts regarding my affinity for change.

Growing up, we all have our own holiday traditions. My family does everything on a very large scale. We always have groups of at least 15-20, with tons of food, alcohol and millions of presents. There have been Thanksgivings where a drunk grandparent sang old war songs and my Dad built a table the size of the living room to seat us all. On Christmas, my parents make us feel like we are 10 years old and spoil us rotten, even though it is long past the time that is considered appropriate. We wear matching pajamas and share funny Hallmark cards, and then spend the evening with our extended family doing the traditional Secret Santa exchange. Football is always on in the background, and karaoke usually makes an appearance. Then there is always a late night fire in the backyard, which now includes David’s obsession with marshmallows and toasting. 

A few years ago, everything changed. My sister and cousin were both expecting babies so were not able to come to Thanksgiving or Christmas. David and I had become serious so decided to split the holidays. It was (is) hard. What I was accustomed to for years and years suddenly became the past. Now don’t get me wrong – my new family is wonderful and I love spending time with them. My Suegra’s stuffing is amazing and my Suegro’s sense of humor cracks me up. But it is different. And sometimes I miss the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

I suppose that’s what marriage is all about – family, sharing, compromise, flexibility and of course, love. It is not always easy, it is not always comfortable, but it is ours. And this year, among the travel between families and the mounds of wrapping paper, I am most grateful for the best gift I have ever received – my husband.

Oh, Baby!

This past weekend was a big one. My sister and brother-in-law had their second baby on Friday (my first niece) and their son (my first nephew) celebrated his second birthday on Sunday!  David and I were lucky to be one of the first to hold my niece and my nephew, and of course this exciting time brings up the topic of having our own family.  I was hoping to avoid these 'serious' topics so early on, but it's timely.

I knew I would marry David when I saw him holding my nephew in the hospital two years ago.  We had rushed down to Maryland from New York on a Friday night, arguing along the way (I didn't think he was driving fast enough) and when I met my nephew I realized there was a part of my heart that had never been used before.  The love I felt for that tiny baby was like nothing I could have imagined.  David refused to hold him that night because he said he didn't want to bring the stress of the day upon the baby. But the next day when I saw my giant lovebug holding my precious nephew, I realized how much I loved him too. And that I definitely wanted to have a family with him.

Similar to marriage, I never really had an interest in having children. Being the youngest child, I think I may have missed the 'mom' gene. I don't particularly like taking care of others and I very much enjoy doing what I want, when I want, and how I want. I love to travel and eat out at nice restaurants. And although it doesn't happen often, I like the opportunity to sleep late. Having children is not something I take lightly because I understand that it changes your life forever. Not in a bad way, just different. And I have never really been a fan of change.

David told me that he wanted children when we first started dating. It is clear to everyone that he will be an exceptional father. He is warm, kind, loving, caring, sweet and generous. David is also one of the only male namesakes of his generation, so there is some family pressure as well. Within days of our engagement, his great aunt asked us how many children we would be having. She was not the first and definitely not the last. His best man included the question in his toast and the day I returned to work after our honeymoon my colleagues asked me if there would be a 'surprise' in nine months (really, a surprise? really?).

It seems once you hit a certain age and are in a serious relationship, the questions start. Are you going to marry him? When will you get engaged? When is the wedding? Where will you live? Are you going to have children? How many? When? Why not right away? The interesting part too is that people will answer for you if you don't respond quickly enough. You're not getting any younger. You need to make sure you're settled before doing anything. Children change everything. You should wait, enjoy being married. It's pretty funny to watch someone have a conversation with themselves about your life. Try it some time, I promise it's entertaining.

Then of course you have your own conversations and thoughts on the subject. David and I would love to have children - someday. We know how old we are, we know what we would like to accomplish before we take this huge leap, and we know that it is our decision. For now, we will continue to enjoy our nieces, nephew, friend's children, and the ability to go home and sleep after a nice long tiring weekend with them.

The Honeymooners

honeymoon – word origin and history

1546, hony moone, but probably much older, from honey in reference to the new marriage's sweetness, and moon in reference to how long it would probably last, or from the changing aspect of the moon: no sooner full than it begins to wane. 

One thing you’ll learn about my husband is that he is pretty agreeable.  He will smile and nod much of the time and he has tremendous patience (clearly, he married me).  His strong opinions are few and far between, so when present I try to oblige. During wedding planning he requested ownership of the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. My inability to let go of anything made it slightly challenging, but both of these were all him.  

The honeymoon was supposed to be a surprise, but one day I received an email confirming our honeymoon registry. I could have ignored this email and not clicked on the link to see where we were going, but that wasn't going to happen. Turns out he picked Antigua! We were booked for a Sandals vacation in Antigua!  Perfect for both of us – he would be able to sip fruity cocktails and lay on the beach, and I would be able to explore a new country. Plus, the resort was adults only and all inclusive. Perfect.

Our second flight to Antigua from Miami was filled with newlyweds. The number of recently married couples aboard that plane was ridiculous. It felt like I had entered the twilight zone of French manicures, bejeweled bridal tank tops, fake tans and personalized canvas bags. My fear that our honeymoon would be a grown up version of high school was coming true! Would I have to try to be friends with this people? I heard stories of people meeting new best friends on a honeymoon and I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. Would they be staying at our resort? Would that girl with the annoying ‘bun’ on top of her head continue making the face that everything in the world disgusts her? Would we be the oldest newlyweds there? All of my 15-year old insecurities showed up to the party and the answer to all of these questions was a solid YES.

The buses to the resort were filled with the same newlyweds and they were in the spa, at the pools and in the restaurants. The tramp stamps and giant diamonds outnumbered the fish in the ocean and I do believe many of them were asked for their ID at the bar. But as always, we found people to connect with – the older couples celebrating anniversaries, the staff members coordinating the contests (one of which we won!), and the couples who actually continued eating food during their engagement. 

We learned a lot about each other and ourselves on our honeymoon. My husband learned that on vacation I enjoy waking up at sunrise. I learned that he did not. He learned that after a day trip filled with rum punch I turned into ‘college Reesa’. I learned that I am too old to drink rum punch all day.  He learned to snorkel. I learned how to play chess. We both learned that at the end of a couples’ massage they clasp your hands together and it is not the masseuse awkwardly hand holding. We learned that going to the gym while eating and drinking non stop will not make a difference in potential weight gain. And we learned that Antiguan hot sauce burns.

All in all, we had an amazing trip – the food, entertainment, activities and drinks were fantastic. We were able to go on a few excursions to see the country, and spent plenty of time reading and relaxing by the pool. It was great fun! The sweetness in our marriage was at an all time high and the moon had yet to wane (except for that incident during the kayak trip)…we were indeed honeymooners. 

To My Wife!

Our wedding was on a Saturday afternoon at 3:00pm and by 4:15pm David was using the W word (wife, that is). We were having a champagne toast outside of the church when he exclaimed, "To my wife!" and everyone cheered. I was alarmed. How was he so ready to use this word? Was this a lifelong dream of his? I was certainly not ready to drop the H bomb (husband, that is). In a matter of three years, I had gone from single to girlfriend to fiance to wife! This happened very quickly, especially after 30 years of mostly single.

On our honeymoon I used the H word when asking others to cheer for him at karaoke, but more in a 'test it out' way. And I definitely prefer husband to fiance, which I found terribly pretentious and tried to avoid at all costs. But using this word on a regular basis was a little scary. It makes me wonder how we have arrived at all of these relationship titles.

According to Dictionary.com, here's how it all boils down:

sin·gle 

[sing-guhl] adjective, verb, -gled, -gling, noun

only one in number; one only; unique; sole: a single example.

of, pertaining to, or suitable for one person only: a single room.

solitary or sole; lone: He was the single survivor.

unmarried: a single man.

pertaining to the unmarried state: the single life.

girl·friend 

[gurl-frend] noun

a frequent or favorite female companion;sweetheart.

a female friend.

fi·an·cée 

[fee-ahn-sey, fee-ahn-sey] noun

a woman engaged to be married.

wife 

[wahyf] noun, plural wives[wahyvz] verb, wifed, wif·ing

a woman joined in marriage to a man; a womanconsidered in relation to her husband; spouse.

a woman ( archaic  or dial.,  except in idioms): oldwives' tale.

I'm not sure Dictionary.com met me, however.  This is how I boil it down:

SINGLE [SIN...gul] noun, verb, adjective, adverb

Poor decisions, good times, college, practice made perfect in bad dating, parties, boys, free dinners, long walks home (alone), the recipient of advice from everyone in a relationship, Ben & Jerry's by the pint, comfortable, sweatpants, studio apartment, self love.

GIRLFRIEND [Really? Do people use this title after 30?] noun, adjective

Taken, by choice. Texting, phone calls, free dinners, discussions of the future, meeting family and friends, +1 for weddings, fun, long walks, holding hands, vacations, testing the waters, sleepovers, pictures, falling for someone other than self.

FIANCEE [FEE..on..say] noun, verb, adjective, adverb

Diamonds, saving money, spending money, wedding planning, trying to avoid becoming a bridezilla so he'll actually marry me, pre-cana, moving in, sharing - a lot, family, friends, celebrations, showers, bachelorette party (attempting to revert to parts of SINGLE), conflict, arguments, love, adoration, trust, commitment, excitement.

WIFE [WIFE] noun, adjective

Permanent, exciting, honeymoon, love, joy, not sure what else yet, but will keep you updated!

Regardless of the title, I am still me. And blessed to be with a wonderful he. I think I can used to this 'wife' thing.

The BIG Day

Before I met my husband, I was not that interested in getting married and I wasn't sure it would ever happen. I had a wonderful life. Living in the city, being a social butterfly, enjoying the singles scene – I had finally become comfortable with myself to a point where I didn’t need anyone. So when friends would refer to their weddings as ‘the big day’ I would argue that I had plenty of those that were just as important. Running a marathon, buying a home, traveling the world, witnessing births and deaths – these were all BIG days. Who decided that a wedding was any more significant than these life events?

Then came my big days of falling in love, become engaged, planning a wedding, enjoying a bridal shower and bachelorette, attending pre-cana. I began to understood. This was a really big day. This day took a full year to plan, a full salary to pay for, religious preparation, conflicts with family and friends, and in just a matter of hours we were committed to each other for life. Aside from my realization of this as an important day, society informed me this was the biggest day ever! Wedding websites spammed my email, bridal shows sent me invitations, random people congratulated me when they saw my ring, and the cost of every vendor increased by 20% when we mentioned the word 'wedding'. 

Throughout the process, it was important to me to remember that it was just one day. Just 24 hours, compared to the lifetime commitment ahead. Not more important than the birth of our first child or the death of a parent. Certainly not comparable to anyone else's big days. I decided to ignore those who told me this was the most important day of my life. Big days are definitely in the eye of the beholder. Our wedding was one of the biggest days in my life and it was a fabulous day. But there will be others (for us and for the people in our lives) and I look forward to celebrating those as well.

Just Married

I have always wanted to blog. A few years ago I started one on my dating life, but it fizzled rather quickly. In preparing for my wedding, I would have loved to blog about wedding planning and details, but lacked the time. And I have read hundreds of blogs about wedding planning. What most people don’t blog about (or even talk about enough) is the actual marriage.  Marriage is sacred and intimate, but I really feel that if we supported each other in this big endeavor, the success rate would be much higher. So I have decided (with the support of my husband, don’t you worry) to blog about our first year of marriage – the ups, downs, sideways, everything (okay, not everything – my Mom will likely read this, and there are some things which will remain marital secrets).  Enjoy!