Ring His Neck

My husband always forgets to wear his wedding ring. Yesterday, I came home and it was hanging on our fruit stand (which is where we both hang our rings if we are doing the dishes – the good news is he was doing the dishes), and I decided that I would play a trick on him. I have now hidden his ring and will wait and see how long he takes to tell me it is missing.

Let me back track for a minute, though.

The wedding band symbolizes the eternity of our commitment and love, and shows the world that we are married. Yes, this is important, but this is not what frustrates me about David not wearing his ring. What bothers me is the history regarding this man and rings. When we first became engaged, my husband was jealous of my ring and wanted one of his own (yes, he has these girl-like qualities, and I still love him). One day, we were at an Oktoberfest celebration and after consuming some exceptional beer, I went shopping at the vendor stands and purchased him an engagement ring. He wore it religiously. And I didn’t mind most of the time, but occasionally I would be embarrassed by this ridiculous behavior. But he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

Then we went shopping for wedding rings. I found mine at the second store we visited, and he took six months to find his. It had to be perfect – he wanted a specific metal, style, fit, and he must have tried on over 100 rings before he found ‘the one’.  And I went along for the very frustrating ride, but again, he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

We got married and I thought the ring drama would end. But sadly, a month into our marriage, we went out to celebrate my Mom’s birthday and David was not wearing his ring. He told us that he ‘must have forgotten it’. So I took action – I wrote the word ‘taken’ on his left ring finger. I did not want there to be any confusion when the inappropriately dressed women at the casino checked him out while he played the Star Trek slot machine. When we got home the next day, my husband admitted that he did not know where the ring was. After searching for some time, he found it in a pile of laundry, but it had been missing for several days. He was wearing his engagement ring instead (I had not noticed), but he never told me! Obviously I was more upset about the fact that he did not tell me it was missing, than the fact that he lost it.

There have been a few ‘I forgot it at home’ incidents since, and again, my concern is not with my husband actually wearing his wedding ring. I am very aware of the fact that we are married and committed and in love, and certainly don’t need a piece of jewelry to confirm that. However, I will continue to make fun of him for harassing me to buy him a ring, for being so picky, and for always ‘forgetting’ something that was SO important to him. I’ll let you know when he ‘finds’ his ring now…

Dollars and Sense

More money, more problems! Finances are a challenge in many relationships and the cause of many breakups, and I can absolutely see why. Sharing money and negotiating finances can be very difficult in a capitalist country where marriages are starting later in life. We are raised to make as much money as possible in order to have a better life and maintain our independence. And, as I explained to my mother soon after our wedding, times have changed – there are new challenges in marriages because partners rarely enter into a marriage straight out of a childhood. My husband and I had years to be selfish, make our own money, set our own budgets and make decisions on how to manage our own finances. To expect either of us to change our ways in the blink of an eye (or blink of a nuptial in this case) is quite unreasonable.

My husband became unemployed when we were dating about a year and a half, and this was the first time that finances became an issue. I will never forget a trip to Sam’s Club where I paid the bill and then flipped out and told him that I would not be paying for everything just because he was not working. The poor guy was already feeling low about being laid off and there I was, his future wife (at this point, I do believe he questioned this) letting him know that I would not take care of him. And in my head, since we weren’t engaged or living together, this was not yet permanent, I was not going to be taken advantage of, and I preferred to only worry about myself when it came to my money. But in reality he could still take care of himself and did not need me financially. While we got through this tiff, we did not progress in having any appropriate conversations about our finances.

Fast forward nine months, we are newly engaged and wondering how to pay for the big, fun wedding that we both want. David was now working, so I was not as obnoxious about the situation, but we still had our work set out for us. We set up a joint savings account in order to pay for the wedding and each contributed to it on a very regular basis. That, along with the generosity of both of our sets of parents, let us have the celebration that we wanted. And it gave us both peace of mind that we were equally involved in paying for our wedding.

And at the same time we moved in together. I have not disguised the fact that this was a difficult transition, but I have purposely glossed over the reasons why, and finances have been a big part of the challenge. Neither of us was ready to share a bank account and each of us had our debt to cover, so we kept our regular finances separate. I have student loans and a mortgage, and my husband enjoys the flexibility of credit cards. He does not trust debit cards and uses automatic online payments, while I do not trust anything automatic and have an intimate relationship with my debit card. The questions continued to arise on how to move forward, so we looked at other couples for advice. We know couples who share everything – they have one savings account and one checking account and pay all their bills together. And we know couples who share nothing – one covers the mortgage while the other covers all of the other bills. We know couples where one partner does all of the finances and the other just set up their direct deposit. And we know couples who file their taxes separately after 20 years of marriage, and each of the spouses claim one of their children. 

David and I have six bank accounts. Yes, six. He has a checking and savings, I have a checking and savings, and we share a checking and savings. We are both extremely stubborn when it comes to our finances, but just recently we came to a resolution (and yes, it has been 15 months since we moved in together). We have divvied up our bills and set up a prorated payment plan based on our current salaries. Yes, it may seem ridiculous to some and completely logical to others, but it was how we, as a married couple, could move forward financially. Both of us continue to contribute to the savings, but the shared checking account is on hold until we can both let go of our other accounts.

As with all of the challenges that marriage has presented, communication is the key. For awhile we were at a standstill and the frustrations were growing. This has definitely been one of the more contentious points in our relationship, but I am happy to report that we are progressing and have a plan that works. For now.