Socially Networked

We keep hearing statistics about Facebook material being used as evidence in divorce cases.  The numbers change every time I hear something, but the end result is the same, and it makes me think about the impact of social networking on marriage.

Could social networking ruin a relationship? No. People ruin relationships. But could it have an impact on a relationship? Absolutely! And not always a positive one.

My husband asked me out on our first date via Facebook. Yes, this really happened. We had gone out on a double date, I gave him my number, and, as is now an appropriate next step, we ‘friended’ each other on this social networking site. I did not receive a phone call or text, but about a week later, a private message asking me out on a date. Who does that?! Apparently more people than I knew at the time (and I imagine many more than I know of now). I responded to him with a quick witted note about how I wouldn’t be going out with someone because they Facebook-ed me, but when he decided to pick up a phone, then perhaps we could have dinner. Clearly, he got the hint.

Social networking has continued to play a part in our relationship. When we decided to date exclusively, my husband changed his relationship status, while I decided to wait. I did not want to respond to my family and friends when receiving the inevitable ‘good for you!’ messages and posts, as though dating someone is an accomplishment. When David proposed, we called all of our close friends and family but had to ask them not to post it publicly because we wanted to make sure that our aunts received a personal phone call before seeing cousins write congratulatory notes. And then we posted our relationship status update at the same time, so neither of our sets of 'friends' felt excluded or had to hear the news from anyone else. Finally, on our wedding day, before we even left the church, there was a photo posted of us kissing for the first time.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love social networking. My ability to keep up with long lost friends and distant family makes me very happy. And I love following celebrities to learn about their ‘real life’. I feel connected without having to do much work – it’s a very easy, passive way of maintaining certain relationships and building others. But it can cause issues as well. I have had conflicts with real friends (people I spend time with on a regular basis) based on what either of us post about our activity, and I have become frustrated with family who post pictures or updates instead of calling to let me know when something happened. At times, I have become inappropriately jealous of other people’s lives, even though I am completely happy with mine. The impact of social networking is greater than we know, and apparently beginning to have a serious impact on marriage.

Twitter has given me the opportunity to follow celebrities and politicians, as well as keep up with the news without having to read a paper. At times, I will write to one of the Real Housewives and let her know what a tool she is being on the show, or re-tweet some of Tracy Morgan’s ridiculous jokes. And when the person follows me or writes me back? Best. Day. Ever. My husband has a particular concern about my adoration of Cory Booker. I find him to be smart and funny - he is one of my favorite people to follow. And he has responded to me on an occasion or two, which makes my stomach jump a little from excitement. There is no danger in my mini-crush, as I am madly in love with David and not moving to Newark anytime soon (plus, I don’t think Cory is interested), but it makes me wonder about people who may not be happy in their marriage. Instead of working on their relationship, it may be easier to use social networking as a way out. People reconnect with high school sweethearts, ex-lovers and former flames, and if you’re not secure in yourself and your relationship, it can provide some dangerous ground.

Obviously there is a much bigger discussion to have on society and values and where we are headed, but for now, I appreciate when my husband writes sweet love notes on my Facebook wall and that I am able to keep in touch with my cousin Brian, while following Cory Booker and learning about the latest news updates from CNN. Socially networked, I am.

Six Months Already?!

Well, it seems married life just makes the time fly right by – would you believe that my husband and I have now been married for six months? Considering the fact that we almost broke up at the six month mark of dating (long story, glad that passed) and that everyone has warned us the first year of marriage is the hardest, I feel that we have made quite an accomplishment. Hooray for us!  

But really, I wanted to take this opportunity to provide some updates on our marriage, the year of fun, and the blog itself. 

Marriage has been awesome so far. Honestly! This is not to say we don’t have our tiffs and riffs, but overall it is a beautiful life that we are building. And I am so happy to be a partner to my husband! We have had a tremendous six months and experienced some serious ups and downs, but knowing that David is a constant makes everything manageable. It is rare to know that you have someone who will be there regardless of what happens and this is something I treasure in our relationship. As my husband always says, we are our family now. And that’s exactly how it feels.

The Year of Fun has been amazing! We have traveled, explored, lived it up, celebrated with friends, spent time with family, let go of stress, and enjoyed each other and our time alone to the fullest. And the best part about letting go and doing only what we want is that it has brought us success and joy. A few months ago I received a promotion to a new and exciting position and my husband is in the process of negotiating a new job offer as well! Being members of a DINK (Double Income No Kids) household is a benefit that we are enjoying to the fullest!

After my post on Newlyweight, my husband woke up one morning and told me he wanted to focus on weight loss and get ready in case (after the Year of Fun) we move towards having the tiny tots. So, we did! I am happy to say that we have lost almost 20 pounds as a couple – we’re moving slow and steady in this regard, but the good news is that we are moving. David has started playing basketball again and I decide to run randomly as always, but we are making progress. The clothes fit again, woo hoo!

And one more update – my husband found his ring. He came clean about leaving it on the fruit stand and I decided to be kind and give it back to him. He has not forgotten it since.

Finally, a note on the blog itself. This began as an outlet for me to discuss the challenges and adventures of the first year of marriage, and I want to thank you for all of your support and feedback. Please continue to comment and helpful hints are more than welcome. I really appreciate your thoughts on marriage, as they only help us all succeed. And I wanted to let you know that I have decided (with the support of my amazing husband) to continue the blog after the first year. After all, David and I are just two little freshmen in the high school of marriage. Doesn’t it get a lot more exciting after that? 

Thanks for reading!

The Attitude of Gratitude

My husband and I are currently feuding over thank you notes. Okay, feuding is a bit dramatic, but we are at a standstill. We were married almost six months ago, and if it were up to me, the thank you notes would have been sent out within six weeks. While I have heard rumors of etiquette stating we have one year to send them, the thought makes me shudder. The only reason we delayed was because we wanted to use a professional photograph and did not want the notes to get lost in the holiday mail. Most of them went out in the 3-4 month range. Most of them. 

Since I felt that I did more work on the wedding planning then David, I decided I would not be writing the thank you notes for his ‘side’. But knowing how my husband likes to procrastinate, I wrote the notes for both of our immediate families and the bridal party. His are still pending. And the frustrating part is that I have tried everything to get him to do them! I have begged, pleaded, attempted manipulation, bargained, and attempted bribery. Nothing is working. My husband is terribly stubborn – the more I request it be done, the less likely it is to happen. 

And the worst part? He has done some of them. There are only 9 notes left to mail, 7 of which are already written. Several friends and family members have received them, and a few have not. And for some strange reason, my husband does not see the problem with this. I am becoming more embarrassed by the day and just hope we do not run into the 9 people anytime in the near future.

In general, I am a huge proponent of the thank you note. They are personal, meaningful and always appropriate. I am also a big fan of sending them out in a timely manner, as they do lose value. Unfortunately, I have been to weddings, showers, and other events without receiving a thank you note, and am still shocked every time (and yes, I keep a running list – rest assured, I will not be at your next function!). 

But more important than the note is the fact that someone is thankful. The attitude of gratitude is not present enough in today’s society. And generally not present enough in relationships. Couples become too comfortable and sincerely forget to be grateful for their partner. David is always telling me that I am too critical and that I do not recognize all of the ‘good stuff’ he does. We disagree on this, because while he thinks I am ungrateful, it is hard for me to understand why I should thank him for doing things we both do, or for doing things that are his responsibility. And I do thank him for the big stuff. My response to his frustration is usually asking if he would like a gold star, which is my passive aggressive, ugly way of daring him to request validation. But really, why should I have to thank my husband for doing half of the household chores? I’m doing the other half and not receiving a thank you!

I suppose it would be better to suck it up and say those two simple words a bit more often. At the end of the day, we all just want appreciation and recognition for doing good things and being good people. Perhaps if I show more gratitude, it will be paid forward, and I will receive some as well. Appreciation karma, here goes…

David, I am grateful to you for making me laugh, wiping my tears and being present for every emotion in between. Thank you for all that you do to make our house a home and our marriage a partnership. I appreciate your patience, kindness and respect for all people, and I am grateful to have you as a role model in the ‘let’s be kind to others’ department. Thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors and always celebrating my success. I am grateful for your unconditional love, bear hugs and million kisses. Thank you for being you and for choosing me.

Now, go write those thank you notes.