525,600 Minutes

One of my favorite songs is Seasons of Love from the broadway show Rent. It's one of those songs that just stort of makes you feel mushy inside (which, since I've been married, is not hard - I tend to get mushy all too easily). But this song in particular talks about how to measure a year (and to measure in love), which is most appropriate today as my husband and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary.

The biggest lie I have ever told was that I would never get married. And at the time, I was not lying! I was completely happy and content and could not imagine how another piece would fit into my puzzle (yes, MY puzzle). Then I met David. He is one of those people that you can actually feel the goodness when you first meet. You can see his positivity and kindess from a mile away, and he makes you want to be better person.  I knew pretty early on that I wanted to be with him forever. Still not completely sold on the idea of marriage, I would have been happy just being with him.

But luckily, he sold me on the whole marriage 'thing' and it was the best decision I have ever made. Our first year of marital bliss has not always been blissful - it is challenging and scary at times, but knowing that I have David by my side makes it all worth the wild ride. We have laughed, cried, and sometimes wanted to kill each other, but there is no one I would rather be with on life's journey.

David, thank you for choosing me. Thank you for allowing me to be yours. Thank you for loving me and always being patient and kind. Thank you for doing the laundry and making the bed. Thank you for cooking delicious meals and always giving me lunch money. Thank you for making me laugh, for wiping my tears, for listening to my rants about daily life and for being my family. Thank you for cuddling me when it's cold and setting our air conditioner timer when it's hot. Thank you for being a sexy beast. Thank you for teaching me to dance, for being brave enough to sing off key in public, and for helping me to be a better person.  Thank you for teaching me what it means to love fully.  Thank you for giving me the gift of marriage and the gift of you.

Happy anniversary, my love. There is nothing more I look forward to then spending all of my tomorrows with you.

Surviving Together

Superstorm Sandy hit this week and living in New York, it hit hard. People have lost loved ones, their homes, and all of their belongings.  It is a devastating time for our area. I thought long and hard about blogging this week, but decided to do so in hopes of bringing a smile to those in need.

My husband and I are extremely lucky, as we have kept power and hot water all week, and had no damage from the storm. Our doors are open to anyone in need of a hot shower and a meal (take-out of course).  Please come on over!

This disaster reminded me of how important it is to have a support system – the people who are there through the most difficult times in your life. One of the greatest perks of marriage is having an immediate support system. Before the storm came, David and I discussed how to prepare and we were both involved in the planning. My husband went shopping for essentials and packed our ‘go bag’ while I cleaned up the house and laid out tarps for areas in our home that had previously flooded. It is such a wonderful thing to have a partner in all of the madness. And it is also a great time to see your partner in a good light. My husband checked on our elderly neighbor and drove his colleague home from work in the midst of the hurricane. During the tough times, I am constantly reminded of why I chose David.  He is calm, cool and collected, and always remembers that people are what really matter.

Of course, it can also be a time where you may not see your partner in the best light. Hysteria can ensue. Last year during Hurricane Irene, our home began to flood in the middle of the night. Water was slowly coming in from the windows and the walls, but it was everywhere. I woke up to the sounds of dripping while my wonderful husband snored away. And when I yelled to wake him, he was ‘calm, cool and collected’ while I ran around like a chicken to protect our belongings. In fact, I wanted to throw him out of a window and I only hoped that the hurricane winds would take him as quickly as Dorothy and Toto. Everyone deals with crises differently, and we are clearly polar opposites in this way.

So yes, my husband went shopping for essentials and packed our ‘go bag’. One might think that he made sure we would be prepared to stay home or be anywhere else. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

When David came back from the grocery store, he had purchased the following items:

-          Two gallons of water

-          Six pack of beer

-          One bottle of margarita (just add tequila) mix

-          One box of Rice-a-Roni

-          20 cups of pudding

I probably don’t need to write anything else here. Who does this?! The water was the only useful item on the list, and while I appreciate the alcohol, I would have preferred food that did not need to be cooked.  He then argued with me that pudding has a lot of protein and that I was not allowed to eat it until it was necessary. We are never going to finish all this pudding.

While I am not quite sure what David put in the ‘go bag’, I can tell you what was NOT included:

-          Wife’s passport

-          Wife’s birth certificate

-          Marriage certificate

-          Checkbook

-          Wife’s clothing

When we were on our way to work Monday, I asked my husband about my change of clothes and he let me know that he had only packed me socks and underwear.  I suppose this is better than nothing, but if it were used as a ‘go bag’, I would not have gotten very far.

Of course I would never seriously complain, just thought you might enjoy hearing about my husband’s ridiculous behavior. We are so blessed to have each other and so lucky to have survived this storm without any impact. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those who are suffering during this devastating time. 

Never go to bed angry (and other unsolicited advice).

It was in the cafeteria in high school that I first became a recipient of relationship advice. I was not seeing anyone at the time, but a friend of mine was talking about how great her relationship was with her boyfriend and told me it was because ‘we never go to bed angry’. She went on to tell me how couples should work out their issues first and always tell each other how much they love them before falling asleep.

Really? Is this the one thing that will keep your relationship going? 

Sometimes trying to finish an argument and continue talking before falling asleep is not a good idea. Instead of saying ‘I love you’ there is a risk of saying something terribly inappropriate which may scar your relationship. There are nights where going to bed is actually the best option. And while I agree that telling someone you love every day is a good idea, missing one evening does not take away from the fact you do love them.

As newlyweds, we receive quite a bit of advice. From everyone. It actually started long before we were engaged, when we first started dating. Both of us received opinions from friends and families – some of it requested in conversations about ‘dating this new guy’ or ‘making it official with this lady’, but much of it not requested at all. I heard about how I should curb some of David’s behaviors, ‘before it becomes a habit’. And my husband was told that he should find someone else because of my ‘strong’ personality (interesting that it came from someone with no personality). When we became engaged, the advice continued so that we knew when to get married, where to have the wedding, what the ceremony should include, and who to invite. And now that we are married, we hear more about how to tolerate each other on a regular basis and of course, the inevitable opinion on when, how and where to have children (with a reminder of how lucky we are to know the ‘with who’).

Obviously there is stress in receiving unsolicited advice, but there is also stress in asking for an opinion. When you bring other people into your relationship by sharing details about it, it is inevitable that their view of your partner changes. You may think that sharing a small detail about something that irks you is no big deal, but depending on the person, they may judge your husband or wife. When David and I first started dating I would tell a few of my close friends everything about our relationship, but when I realized that he was ‘my person’, it became really important to me that we maintain intimacy when it comes to the details. My husband and I each have one or two outside confidants, but really focus on keeping most things private.

While recently David and I have been on the recipient side of the ‘best advice’ game, we are also very guilty of giving unsolicited guidance. Last week I caught myself telling a good friend who is recently engaged that she should really cut down her guest list, so she can spend time with everyone during her reception. And while we were at dinner with friends, my husband and I both went on about the challenges of being married (as if we have the slightest clue). I have certainly judged the relationships of others and put in my two cents when friends and family clearly had enough of their own change. And it seems to happen more as I gain life experience.

How can we stop the vicious cycle? Sometimes advice is helpful because many couples go through similar situations. It’s nice to know that we’re all in the same boat and it would be great if we could support each other without feeling judged. So maybe while sharing experiences, we just have to remember that every relationship, every person, every situation and every bit of feedback is different. And as couples, we should be comfortable taking it all in, not allowing it to make us feel unsuccessful, and filtering it as we see fit.

But that’s just my advice.

Another Year, Another Bride

Several months into our marriage, the post nuptial depression began to subside, and I became increasingly interested in future weddings. No longer sad about the fact that my ‘big day’ had passed, I was eager to be a guest and celebrate other’s love and joy. For several months, there was no wedding activity – none of our friends or family got engaged and there were no weddings. But now, we are in the midst of a little wedding frenzy, and I could not be happier!

Our dear friends will be getting married next month, and we have been lucky enough to participate in many of the pre-wedding activities. The bridal shower was a Mad Hatter Tea Party – there was tea and crumpets, hats and dancing (including New Kids on the Block, which I LOVE), and it was really a nice day. This was the first bridal event that I had attended since being married and I am definitely seeing these events through new lenses.

Prior to getting engaged, I really despised bridal showers. Perhaps it was the fact that there were way too many women in one room talking about wedding ‘stuff’, or that I had to sit and watch one of my girlfriends open a million gifts which were really upgrades of items they already owned. The bridal shower tradition began when couples were getting married and moving out of their parent’s house simultaneously, so it made sense for them to register for everything needed to set up a home. But now, most people are getting married after having lived alone and usually with their partner and seem to be registering to obtain better stuff. As a single lady, I would always attend and give a generous gift, but with a slightly bitter sentiment (i.e. ‘It’s not like I’m ever getting married, when will I get paid back for this?’).

My view as a married lady is a bit different. Yes, people are still registering for upgrades, but usually because they want a fresh start in their lives together. My husband and I registered, but tried to keep it to what we really needed (with the exception of David’s obsession with small kitchen tools – pickle pickers, etc.). Both of us had mostly ‘hand me downs’ in our respective homes, so it was a nice way for us to start our life together. I still think that couples can go overboard and spin into the crafty cycle of ridiculousness gift giving, but it is also a longstanding tradition. A bridal shower is a time to enjoy each other, catch up with friends and family, and share in the time of pre-wedding excitement with the bride. I also notice now that it is a way for women to get out of the house and away from their husbands and children for a few hours.

The bride’s bachelorette party was amazing! Her friends coordinated an eventful night which brought me back to my college days. I was worried that after getting married I would turn into one of those women who was no longer into going out (which I see all too often post marriage), but my excitement was bigger than it had been in my single days.

As a single woman, I loved going to bachelorette parties because I was usually one of the only single women. There was at least one less single woman to compete with when it came to attracting men and the men would come running once they saw a group of women having a good time (one of which was wearing a tiara, sash and drinking out of an inappropriate straw). My excitement came from not knowing what the night would bring – maybe I would meet someone, have some drinks, give out some digits and get a free dinner later that week.

Being married, I learned that I just love a girl’s night out. I do! There is nothing like dressing up and spending an evening with a fun group of ladies, talking about everything from pop culture to relationships to other women while enjoying some cocktails and dancing on stages. And of course there’s the sleepover, where we spend the next morning eating leftovers, taking some Advil and regaling in stories from the previous night. As we get older, we just don’t do this enough. This party reminded me that there is nothing like time spent with girlfriends. Your girlfriends are the ones that were there prior to your husband and will be there through thick and thin, supporting you in your marriage. They deserve quality time and attention as well.

Immediately after getting married, I thought the world should stop. It was similar to my thoughts after a loved one dies – I wondered how people continue on with their day to day lives as though nothing had happened. As a newlywed, I felt that everyone should reminisce about my fabulous wedding for some time and I was very concerned that moving forward people would forget that my husband and I were important (going back to my theory on 'the big day'). We were blessed to have a wonderful wedding and we are now blessed to have a strong marriage, which means we can really celebrate our friends and family as they embark on their journey. Wishing all the very best to our friends today, tomorrow and always!

Without a Plan

As you may have learned by now, I can be a bit obsessively compulsively organized, efficient and planned in my day to day life. I tend to foreshadow more than is appropriate and plan for every good, bad, and life threatening situation. I will have a random brush with spontaneity and plan a last minute vacation, but will only go if I know it is well planned (just done so on short notice).

So when my husband told me that the only thing he wanted for his birthday this year was an unplanned weekend away, I immediately considered the quickest escape and clicked my heels three times, but was still standing there to respond (finally), ‘Sure, honey, if that’s what you want’.

The anxiety began about 10 seconds later and continued until our return from the birthday weekend. Knowing this would make him happy was the only reason it materialized, and this was the greatest gift he will ever receive. David should realize now that his present request this year was a guest wife for a weekend.  And I sure hope he liked it, because it will never happen again.

We decided (we?) to head upstate to wine country in Orange County, NY, but that was the only decision that was made prior to our departure. After work on Friday, which was his actual birthday, we just started driving north. David drove while I Google-d nearby places to stay and restaurants in case of an emergency. We stopped on route to take in the views of the Hudson River from the mountains and watch the sunset. Yes, sunset. And this is when my level of stress increased dramatically.

My husband could not understand why I became a bit frazzled at 9pm as we were just picking the restaurant for dinner and still had nowhere to sleep. The major difference in our levels of concern here are due to the fact that he would be fine with staying at a motel where you have the option of paying by the hour or the night, and I prefer to not have to check for bed bugs or bodily fluids when I arrive. It was taking all of my patience, kindness and good will to remember that it was his actual birthday and I had to be nice ALL DAY. 

During the appetizers, David started chatting up the locals and attempting to make a reservation at nearby Bed & Breakfasts (which, inevitably, were all booked). And then he gave in and let me recommend a Hilton Garden Inn about 15 miles away. We arrived and luckily were able to get a room (just for one night – Saturday there were two weddings and no rooms available).

I should let you know that from the time David proposed his ideal birthday gift to the moment we got in the car, I continued to remind him that I really was not planning anything, as per his request. Apparently he did not believe me, because at this point in the weekend he admitted that he ‘assumed I had a backup plan’. Ugh.

The good news was that he values my insanity when it comes to planning! The bad news was that I really did not have a plan. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the rest of the weekend was being planned in my head as we were having this conversation. 

So the next morning when we woke up, we made reservations for that evening at a Bed & Breakfast and then I became the tour guide of Orange County. We visited Orange County Choppers, toured six different wineries, and did a little shopping and eating along the way. On Sunday we had a lovely drive down the other side of the river, visiting Farmer’s Markets and castles, enjoying each other’s company and the sunshine. Overall, it was a great weekend.

I realized that David made this birthday request because I am generally too focused on the plan. A perfectionist by trade, I have a hard time letting go which can then lead to a hard time enjoying life. My husband is so laid back and lacks any interest in planning, so my behavior has a huge impact on his happiness as well. Not only did he want me to not ‘get crazy’, but he also wanted us to enjoy his birthday in the way that he prefers. We are all a work in progress, and this is definitely something I am working on – I’m just happy to have a partner who understands me and tries to push me at the same time.

But next time, I will definitely have a backup plan. I can always cancel if needed. J

Dating Drama

It has been almost four years now since I have gone on a 'first date' and there are times that I miss the excitement of meeting someone new, the anxiety of picking out an outfit, and the thrill of giving out my phone number. I have never been happier with my relationship status than I am now, but several of my friends are still single and I enjoy hearing their stories of ridiculousness when it comes to dating.

This week, I heard one of the best stories I had in some time and remembered that once upon a time, I had started a dating blog. It was never published (to protect the identity of my victims dates and to ensure I would continue to be date-able), but thanks to Blogger.com I still have the entries.

I thought it might be fun to share...enjoy!

"Online dating is something I'm becoming more comfortable with - so comfortable in fact, that I am now officially a member of all of them. You can find me on Yahoo Personals, eHarmony, Match, and I'll even take a stab at some crazies on Craig's List.

I emailed a man from Craig's List a few weeks ago. Michael responded, and we exchanged photos - he was very cute. He works for the government and lives in Brooklyn, and immediately we had a lot in common. We emailed frequently enough, and when I decided to do my marathon date week (going on a date every night for a full week), I immediately asked him to be a part of it. We decided to meet for coffee tonight after work.

Showing up early is a trick of mine when going on a blind date. I like for the person to have to find me, as I hate standing in a place searching for someone I've never met. Apparently Michael uses this trick as well, because even though I arrived at the coffee shop at 5:30pm for our 6pm date, he arrived not five minutes later.

Initially, he walked right by me, but I knew it was him. He was much larger than the picture he shared and he was carrying flowers - gerber daisies. In one of our emails, he asked me a variety of questions, including what my favorite flower was and I responded brightly colored gerber daisies. Sadly, he brought them.

He then found me, and seemed turned off by the fact that I used his trick of showing up early, but immediately offered to buy my coffee. While he went to do that, I was thinking of my escape. I could have sworn he said he was 32 years old, but looked older than 40 (he admitted later he was 36). His picture was only from the chest up, and he was definitely bottom heavy (although I am no one to judge about being bottom heavy, I do send real pictures).

We started chatting and the date got worse - his breathe was awful. And he talked A LOT. He talked about himself, his family (as luck would have it, he lives with his parents), his job, his ex-girlfriends, his job again, where he has lived in the past, his friends, his ex-girlfriends again (and again and again). I hoped for a gas mask, but it never came. I drank my coffee and finally he asked me once about myself, but I didn't really have a chance to answer. He had that interrupting thing down pat.

Why is it that people feel comfortable sharing information about former relationships on a first date? It is not appropriate. Frankly, I don't care about your past yet and it is a major sign to me that you are not over it. He definitely was not - his last relationship of 3 years ended in January and I was his first date since. We spent too much of our short time together talking about this woman and her son.

After I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I excused myself to the restroom, sent my sister an SOS text message and checked the time. It was only 6:45pm. I had only been with him for about an hour, but somehow it felt like days.

I decided to then play the date as though I was trying to get out of jury duty. Everything he said to me became an arguable point. He talked about wanting children and I immediately said no, never, not at all (which is partially true, but the never no is not concrete). He brought up religion and politics, and I presented all opposite views. The frustrating part was that he then changed his thoughts to agree with me! I hate when they do that.

The cherry on the sundae was when he continued to mention the flowers he brought and actually said, "well based on our emails, it didn't seem that you had gotten flowers in a long time". Insulted, I corrected him and let him know that I have indeed gotten my fill of flowers for a lifetime. I also reminded him that flowers die (but unfortunately this date would not).

Finally someone heard my prayers and the coffee shop flickered the lights, letting us know they were soon closing. It was 7pm. Michael asked me if I wanted to have dinner, and I used the 'I have dinner plans at 7:30p' fib, which worked. He then talked about how great the date was (for him, I imagine it was - everyone likes to hear themselves talk) and how we should do something more serious next time.

I replied, 'Perhaps'.

And tomorrow 'perhaps' I'll send him an email letting him know that means never."

A Good Night's Sleep

We bought a new bed!  Hooray!  Most of you will not understand the significance of this purchase, but it is indeed momentous.

First, I should share that for the past 18 months (and prior to that when we slept at ‘my’ apartment), we have been sleeping on a full size bed. This may not seem like an issue to many, but one would need to understand our sizes to really appreciate our ability to share this space. My husband is 74” tall and probably 22” wide when lying down. I am 63” tall and probably 26” wide when lying down (my friends refer to them as ‘child bearing’ hips). So together, our dimensions lying down are 74” x 48”. A full size bed is 75” x 54”.

Second, the mattress we had been sleeping on was a hand-me-down that was probably about 30 years old. My obsessive nature led me to cover it with an egg crate and mattress pad as well as a double sheet, but none of that could prevent us both rolling into the middle of the bed every night and finding it almost impossible to get out of the bed every morning.

Needless to say, sleeping had not been that comfortable. We had no choice but to be in each other’s space, and David likes to cuddle and spoon – both of which I try to avoid at all costs.

One might wonder why we were in this situation for so long, and this is honestly all my fault. I am terribly indecisive when it comes to what I consider a major purchase. After research and testing, reading and trying things out, I freeze. I suppose it all aligns with my general commitment issues (and yes, I somehow made it to marriage – anything is possible).  Instead of making a choice, I simply stop.

When I purchased my apartment three and a half years ago, the oven did not work. So I checked out some ovens online, went shopping, and then learned to use my crockpot to the best of its ability. Finally, this year, my husband had enough of my barbecue chicken and we bought a new oven. And I couldn’t be happier!  It’s perfect and I can bake again. Then one day David bought us a bed frame to match our bedroom set and I knew what was coming. We drove to Sleepy’s, and an hour later we had purchased our first QUEEN size bed together. And now, we can sleep happily ever after. If I don’t give my husband enough credit, here it is – thank you for making me uncomfortable for 20-60 minutes, so I can be comfortable every night in our home.

By the way, did I mention my car died?  Let’s see how long this purchase takes…