Milestones & Memories

mile·stone [mahyl-stohn]

noun

1.  a stone functioning as a milepost

2.  a significant event or stage in the life, progress, development, or the like of a person, nation, etc.

I met my husband in 2008, and that year was filled with some other significant milestones. I am most reminiscent this week because it is my favorite holiday (St. Patrick’s Day) and the anniversary of one of the biggest events in my life (my run in with the big ‘C’).   

My New Year’s resolution that year was to be more social, date more frequently, and use different venues to meet people – to step out of my comfort zone in every way possible. On January 16, 2008, I met my husband. I had decided to attend a friend’s 30^th birthday dinner where I would know absolutely no one and he was there when I arrived. He was dressed nicely, drinking a glass of red wine, and from across the room I knew that I wanted to get to know him better. Not a hippie by trade, but I always tell people because it’s true – I could see his aura and it was just wonderful, I knew he was a good person right away. I was like a fly to a bug zapper. We spoke the entire night, but he did not ask for my number. So I spent the next six months trying to see him again... Finally, David and I went on our first double date on July 26, 2008, we went on our first date alone together on August 31, 2008, and we decided not to date other people on December 18, 2008. I was a smitten kitten and remember all of these dates due to my obsessive nature, but also because they were milestones in my life.

My mother graduated from college on May 11, 2008, which happened to be Mother’s Day that year. I remember how overwhelmingly proud I was, and the inability to hold back joyous tears while she walked across that stage. Her smile is forever stuck in my mind, along with her amazing confidence while accepting her diploma. My sister got married on May 24, 2008. We sang karaoke and danced to 80’s music at her bachelorette party, and her tea party themed shower was such a beautiful day. I remember her wedding shoes and her gorgeous hair and makeup on 'the big day', but most importantly, the pure joy on her face when she said ‘I do’ and walked into the reception holding her husband’s hand.  Both of these milestones made 2008 an amazing year. Family really is everything.

I was diagnosed with melanoma on March 14, 2008. My dermatologist started the conversation talking about stages of cancer and how this was the best case scenario. I remember feeling my heart pounding out of my chest as I took notes on what she was saying, because the words were incomprehensible. It was a beautiful day and I walked home from work and had 20 minutes alone before telling anyone. Twenty minutes of denial and freedom. Twenty minutes before I had to repeat the information to others, making it a reality. My first surgery was April 3, 2008, the second was May 29, 2008, the third (and last) was August 19, 2008. And I fought back and ran my first marathon on October 26, 2008, supporting The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The feelings of achievement and exuberance as I crossed that finish line will forever be embedded in my mind. I will never forget the look of pride on my Dad’s face at the 26 mile mark and the tight hugs that I received from my family afterwards. 

The milestones in our lives make us who we are and can change us in the most dramatic ways. These are the life events that build everlasting memories. In this first year of marriage, we have tons of milestones because we have so many firsts! Our first long vacation together was our honeymoon and we will always remember the fun couple from Wyoming, the fabulous pina coladas and the smell of the delicious salt water. When we returned we opened our first joint bank account. We grieved our first big loss together and I will never forget listening as my husband received the bad news, then, as delicately as possible, passed it along to me. And we celebrated our first big job promotion with an amazing dinner that I can still taste. Four years later, I am reminiscent, but looking forward to new milestones with my new husband in our new life together.

Newlyweight

A dilemma I have found as someone who is recently married is the feeling of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Okay, this is not exactly true - I feel it more on my butt, hips and thighs. Since that magical day just four months ago, the flabby arms have returned, the bloated feeling after eating too much has become more regular, and my husband and I can best be described as lethargic. We have been wining and dining, and not moving all that much, and now we have a serious problem in our marriage - newlyweight.


Newlyweight [noo-lee-weyt] noun - weight gained post matrimony, due to relief of stress, lack of concern over fitting in set attire, realization of unconditional love, and general happiness.


As many brides do, I made an effort to lose weight prior to the wedding. My focus was to look my very best, while still looking like myself, so I worked out, tried to eat right and took good care of myself. I was able to lose weight, but more importantly felt confident walking down that aisle. And during the process, I dragged my husband along with me, so he also dropped a few pounds (which of course, everyone noticed first - isn't this always the way?). After the wedding, we went on our honeymoon and this was the start of the downfall - all you can eat, all you can drink, and two people coming off a 'high' from a very stressful and exciting day. And since the honeymoon, we have been busy and lazy and not having an event to look forward to, so here we are with some extra weight.

I have found weight can become an issue in many relationships. When you start dating someone, you tend to eat out more, and as you become more serious, you tend to stay in more. Then you become engaged and focus on losing weight, and then you get married and lose focus. The babies come and it goes into a completely new world (which, frankly, frightens me). The level of comfort obtained in being a loving relationship can make someone who has a tendency to gain weight easily do just that. While being in love is a wonderful thing, it is vital to remember to love yourself and take care of yourself in order to be a true partner. As happy as the take out and ice cream make me, I much prefer waking up and loving how I look in the first outfit I try on for the day. And I do believe my husband will appreciate me not taking it out on him when we are running late because of my 12 outfit changes.

I wish I could say 'our battle with weight continues', but honestly we have yet to put on the armor! We know what to do and how to do it, and now we just have to make it a priority in our marriage.  More to come, friends, more to come...

Playing with Roles

Last week, I was watching the premiere of one of my favorite reality shows, Bethenny Ever After, and something Bethenny talked about also rings true in my marriage. I must make a note here – because of my ridiculous addiction to reality television, I have given it up for Lent this year. More to come on that later. Bethenny was talking about how everyone loves her husband Jason and talks about wonderful and amazing he is, leaving her to be the ‘bad guy’ in their marriage. This made me think about roles in relationships, and how my husband and I are viewed and compared.

My husband is the epitome of “the nice guy”. He is kind, loving, caring, passive, friendly, and funny, and everyone loves him. Everyone. All of my friends told me to marry him upon their first meeting and my family adores him. They love him more than golf or scotch, which is kind of a big deal. David is the kind of guy that no one has a conflict with ever – he is laid back and generally pleasant, all the time. So this is what the world sees (as do I, hence the marriage). But there is another side to my husband that people may not see right away, and may never know. David is stubborn and loves to procrastinate. He is messy and can be over affectionate. He likes to always be ‘right’ and win arguments and has a vast knowledge of random facts that are interesting for about five minutes. His taste in music and television are very different than mine, so we argue over the DVR at home and the radio station on long road trips. But only I get to see these traits, while the rest of the world tells me how lucky I am because he is so wonderful and amazing.

On the other hand, I am loud, obnoxious, funny, obsessive, bold, aggressive and ridiculous, and never miss an opportunity to give my opinion. People love me too, but those are usually my kind of people, not always the general public. I can be overbearing and abrupt, but will do anything for my friends or family, and know how to throw a great party. This is what the world sees, and compared to my husband, the perception can be that I am the aggressor (not completely false), that I ‘control’ our relationship (not always true) and am the master of our domain (I wish!). And I do believe that at times my David enjoys this view. When he does not feel like socializing with his friends, they will always assume it is because of me – not necessarily that I told him not to go, but that he would not go out of some strange fear. And when he does not want to clean the house, he tells me it is because he knows I would not like it done his way due to my obsessive nature. Finally, when we argue, it is clearly my fault because, as everyone knows, I am the one who created this relationship dynamic and the argument is usually because we have gone off track.

I do believe this is the situation for every relationship. We each have roles that make us most comfortable. In our case, David prefers to be passive, and I prefer to be aggressive. There are days that I would LOVE to take a backseat and let him do everything, but that just does not happen. It is not his personality to do so, and inevitably I would be unhappy with the change, and we are quickly back at square one. With these roles in relationships comes outside perceptions and views, and we are all guilty of being judgmental. I have often thought of how ‘mean’ one partner is to the other and ‘controlling’ they are in their relationship. But, at the end of the day, it is their relationship, not mine. And somehow, it works for them. Who am I to tell them what works? I certainly would not want their opinion on my marriage.  

My favorite thing is to compare our relationship to others. It is very clear that we have people in our lives whose relationship roles we mirror:

Theresa is similar to...	David is similar to...
Theresa’s Mom	Theresa’s Dad
David’s Mom	David’s Dad
Theresa’s Brother-in-Law	Theresa’s Sister
Bethenny Frankel	Jason Hoppy
Kris Jenner	Bruce Jenner
Most of David’s friends	Most of David’s friends’ partners
Most of Theresa’s friends’ partners	Most of Theresa’s friends
Ellen Degeneres	Portia DeRossi
Michelle Obama	Barack Obama

It is very clear that we play similar roles to other relationships we have been in, or those we viewed growing up. In both of our parents’ relationships, our fathers were more laid back while our mothers were more assertive. David has always been surrounded by strong personalities among his family and friends, while I tend to be the stronger personality among my family and friends. It is no wonder that when we first became serious, there were some conflicts. Everyone in our lives were used to a certain dynamic of a relationship with each of us, and in some instances that was thrown off completely. When there are new relationship dynamics, there is bound to be conflict (luckily, all of which has been resolved).  

At the end of the day, it is important to recognize our roles in our relationship, to be aware of how we interact, and understand when things seem ‘off’. And it’s nice to mix it up and have a change of pace once in awhile (I love when my husband tells me what to do - wink, wink). We have to be comfortable in our roles and know that it does not mean I am the ‘bad guy’ or that he is not in control of our relationship. We have to remember that it is OUR relationship, so when the haters arise, we can ignore the judging and be happy with ‘us’ as we are!