More money, more problems! Finances are a challenge in many relationships and the cause of many breakups, and I can absolutely see why. Sharing money and negotiating finances can be very difficult in a capitalist country where marriages are starting later in life. We are raised to make as much money as possible in order to have a better life and maintain our independence. And, as I explained to my mother soon after our wedding, times have changed – there are new challenges in marriages because partners rarely enter into a marriage straight out of a childhood. My husband and I had years to be selfish, make our own money, set our own budgets and make decisions on how to manage our own finances. To expect either of us to change our ways in the blink of an eye (or blink of a nuptial in this case) is quite unreasonable.
My husband became unemployed when we were dating about a year and a half, and this was the first time that finances became an issue. I will never forget a trip to Sam’s Club where I paid the bill and then flipped out and told him that I would not be paying for everything just because he was not working. The poor guy was already feeling low about being laid off and there I was, his future wife (at this point, I do believe he questioned this) letting him know that I would not take care of him. And in my head, since we weren’t engaged or living together, this was not yet permanent, I was not going to be taken advantage of, and I preferred to only worry about myself when it came to my money. But in reality he could still take care of himself and did not need me financially. While we got through this tiff, we did not progress in having any appropriate conversations about our finances.
Fast forward nine months, we are newly engaged and wondering how to pay for the big, fun wedding that we both want. David was now working, so I was not as obnoxious about the situation, but we still had our work set out for us. We set up a joint savings account in order to pay for the wedding and each contributed to it on a very regular basis. That, along with the generosity of both of our sets of parents, let us have the celebration that we wanted. And it gave us both peace of mind that we were equally involved in paying for our wedding.
And at the same time we moved in together. I have not disguised the fact that this was a difficult transition, but I have purposely glossed over the reasons why, and finances have been a big part of the challenge. Neither of us was ready to share a bank account and each of us had our debt to cover, so we kept our regular finances separate. I have student loans and a mortgage, and my husband enjoys the flexibility of credit cards. He does not trust debit cards and uses automatic online payments, while I do not trust anything automatic and have an intimate relationship with my debit card. The questions continued to arise on how to move forward, so we looked at other couples for advice. We know couples who share everything – they have one savings account and one checking account and pay all their bills together. And we know couples who share nothing – one covers the mortgage while the other covers all of the other bills. We know couples where one partner does all of the finances and the other just set up their direct deposit. And we know couples who file their taxes separately after 20 years of marriage, and each of the spouses claim one of their children.
David and I have six bank accounts. Yes, six. He has a checking and savings, I have a checking and savings, and we share a checking and savings. We are both extremely stubborn when it comes to our finances, but just recently we came to a resolution (and yes, it has been 15 months since we moved in together). We have divvied up our bills and set up a prorated payment plan based on our current salaries. Yes, it may seem ridiculous to some and completely logical to others, but it was how we, as a married couple, could move forward financially. Both of us continue to contribute to the savings, but the shared checking account is on hold until we can both let go of our other accounts.
As with all of the challenges that marriage has presented, communication is the key. For awhile we were at a standstill and the frustrations were growing. This has definitely been one of the more contentious points in our relationship, but I am happy to report that we are progressing and have a plan that works. For now.
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