Dating Drama

It has been almost four years now since I have gone on a 'first date' and there are times that I miss the excitement of meeting someone new, the anxiety of picking out an outfit, and the thrill of giving out my phone number. I have never been happier with my relationship status than I am now, but several of my friends are still single and I enjoy hearing their stories of ridiculousness when it comes to dating.

This week, I heard one of the best stories I had in some time and remembered that once upon a time, I had started a dating blog. It was never published (to protect the identity of my victims dates and to ensure I would continue to be date-able), but thanks to Blogger.com I still have the entries.

I thought it might be fun to share...enjoy!

"Online dating is something I'm becoming more comfortable with - so comfortable in fact, that I am now officially a member of all of them. You can find me on Yahoo Personals, eHarmony, Match, and I'll even take a stab at some crazies on Craig's List.

I emailed a man from Craig's List a few weeks ago. Michael responded, and we exchanged photos - he was very cute. He works for the government and lives in Brooklyn, and immediately we had a lot in common. We emailed frequently enough, and when I decided to do my marathon date week (going on a date every night for a full week), I immediately asked him to be a part of it. We decided to meet for coffee tonight after work.

Showing up early is a trick of mine when going on a blind date. I like for the person to have to find me, as I hate standing in a place searching for someone I've never met. Apparently Michael uses this trick as well, because even though I arrived at the coffee shop at 5:30pm for our 6pm date, he arrived not five minutes later.

Initially, he walked right by me, but I knew it was him. He was much larger than the picture he shared and he was carrying flowers - gerber daisies. In one of our emails, he asked me a variety of questions, including what my favorite flower was and I responded brightly colored gerber daisies. Sadly, he brought them.

He then found me, and seemed turned off by the fact that I used his trick of showing up early, but immediately offered to buy my coffee. While he went to do that, I was thinking of my escape. I could have sworn he said he was 32 years old, but looked older than 40 (he admitted later he was 36). His picture was only from the chest up, and he was definitely bottom heavy (although I am no one to judge about being bottom heavy, I do send real pictures).

We started chatting and the date got worse - his breathe was awful. And he talked A LOT. He talked about himself, his family (as luck would have it, he lives with his parents), his job, his ex-girlfriends, his job again, where he has lived in the past, his friends, his ex-girlfriends again (and again and again). I hoped for a gas mask, but it never came. I drank my coffee and finally he asked me once about myself, but I didn't really have a chance to answer. He had that interrupting thing down pat.

Why is it that people feel comfortable sharing information about former relationships on a first date? It is not appropriate. Frankly, I don't care about your past yet and it is a major sign to me that you are not over it. He definitely was not - his last relationship of 3 years ended in January and I was his first date since. We spent too much of our short time together talking about this woman and her son.

After I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I excused myself to the restroom, sent my sister an SOS text message and checked the time. It was only 6:45pm. I had only been with him for about an hour, but somehow it felt like days.

I decided to then play the date as though I was trying to get out of jury duty. Everything he said to me became an arguable point. He talked about wanting children and I immediately said no, never, not at all (which is partially true, but the never no is not concrete). He brought up religion and politics, and I presented all opposite views. The frustrating part was that he then changed his thoughts to agree with me! I hate when they do that.

The cherry on the sundae was when he continued to mention the flowers he brought and actually said, "well based on our emails, it didn't seem that you had gotten flowers in a long time". Insulted, I corrected him and let him know that I have indeed gotten my fill of flowers for a lifetime. I also reminded him that flowers die (but unfortunately this date would not).

Finally someone heard my prayers and the coffee shop flickered the lights, letting us know they were soon closing. It was 7pm. Michael asked me if I wanted to have dinner, and I used the 'I have dinner plans at 7:30p' fib, which worked. He then talked about how great the date was (for him, I imagine it was - everyone likes to hear themselves talk) and how we should do something more serious next time.

I replied, 'Perhaps'.

And tomorrow 'perhaps' I'll send him an email letting him know that means never."