Is This Reality?

Reality shows have taken over the airwaves, and I am a huge fan. I love keeping up with the Kardashians and considering the life of a 'Real' mob, baseball or hip hop wife. The shows are hilarious and a break from my reality, so it has become my outlet. I probably spend way too much time in front of a television in any given week, but by watching these 'real' people act in a ridiculous and inappropriate manner, I am able to escape from whatever stressful situation I find myself in at the time. This is definitely not my reality, but it makes me think about the reality that each of us create in our own relationships.

My husband always teases me about being dishonest with him from our first date. He was giving me a ride home, playing a cd with some remixed songs from the 90‘s, and apparently I went on and on about how I LOVE remixes. Which was a lie. I hate remixes and feel that they just lengthen songs that already go on forever. I would beg to differ that I went on and on about it, but I do remember saying that his cd was the coolest. In the beginning of every relationship, there is a huge lack of reality. Each party is trying to impress the other, which leads to not telling the full truth about general likes and dislikes. And people are usually quite guarded, so try not to share too much personal information, past history, or political views. Even women who pride themselves on being completely ‘real’ are quite the opposite during this phase. From the remixes to a love of steak and vegetables, the fibs continued during this first stage of our relationship.

As time went on, we became much more comfortable and honest with each other - sometimes too honest. In addition to sharing everything, at this point partners begin to have serious opinions about each other, nagging about clothing or food choices, because obviously we know what is best for the other person. I will never forget the first time David had an opinion about my family. It was nothing serious, just a thought on travel for the holidays, but two things came to my mind. Number one, “this is MY family, who are you to have an opinion”. Number two, “oh my, you might become a part of my family”. At this stage in a relationship, you really get to know each other and decide if the quirks and reality of the situation are something you like or dislike, and something you are prepared to enjoy or tolerate for the rest of your life!

The problem with some of the reality television stars is that they skip a phase or two of this increased honesty. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were engaged after three months of dating, and married just weeks after. I would have been married a long time ago if I thought three months was a good gauge of my future with a person. In the first three months, couples are still being wined and dined and have not likely had an argument yet. It is not a shock that their marriage was so short, but I will say, now having watched Kim’s breakdown on her show, clearly they never reached a space of honesty in their relationship. What a mess. 

Then comes marriage. The ultimate honest, open relationship. Right? Or is it still okay to fib once in awhile? On our honeymoon, there was karaoke at the resort, and my husband loves karaoke. Loves. I do not. And, for the record, I have been honest about this. Everyone has a hit or miss song once in awhile, so sometimes David’s pitch is not 100%, but he loves it so much that I would never tell him. And in fact, on our honeymoon, I engaged a group of other couples to cheer him on during his performance. Not completely honest behavior, but I had only the best intention. When my husband played back the video I had taken, he realized it was not his best performance and was on to my game. But at the time, it made him feel good, which made me feel good. Sometimes I hope he is not being completely honest with me, and other times, I hope he is. There is a fine line between being open and honest, while respecting your partner’s feelings.

The tricky part is when you think you are protecting their feelings, but the other person would prefer you be completely honest. Every time we go out, I ask my husband how I look, and every time he responds the same - “beautiful”. Now I know this may be a trick question to some, but I am actually looking for an honest answer. I want to know if I look fat or if my hair is frizzy or my makeup uneven. Frightened of hurting my feelings, David will never tell me the whole truth. Sometimes he will elude to their being an issue, but never say exactly what it is. So now, we take pictures! I make him take pictures of me from the back every time we go out, so I know exactly how big my butt looks. And it works better for both of us. While I am very comfortable being honest, my husband is very protective of others’ feelings, so we strike a balance in the honesty game.

No matter how ‘real’ television may become, in marriage you and your partner create your own reality. It has to be what works for both of you, and it has to be as honest and true to your relationship as possible. I will never tell David when he has a bad night at karaoke, and he will never tell me that I look chunky in a sweater dress. But we are honest when any big issues arise, and that is what is important. Keep it real, folks!