Lessons Learned

This weekend, my parents will be celebrating their 40^th wedding anniversary.  Their marriage has had a tremendous impact on my life, so I wanted to share some of the lessons I have learned.

Be a team.

As children, we all test our parents to see if we can get one of them to go against the other and approve a request. My sister and I tried this a few times, and of course, it never worked. My parents have always been a unit. Sometimes my Mom is the captain and sometimes my Dad is the coach, but they are always wearing the same team jersey. They are each other's biggest fans and strongest defenders. And while they may not always agree, no one else would know – they praise in public, and criticize in private. I have learned that this unity is vital to a successful marriage.

Love unconditionally.

My father's ability to zone out the world while reading the newspaper irks my mother, and my mother's need to change the location of everything in the kitchen once a month for 'fun' irks my father, but at the end of the day, they both see the big picture in each other. They may not like everything about each other, but they love each other unconditionally. I have learned that this is not an easy task, but it is essential to making a marriage work.

Keep the faith.

One of my fondest memories from childhood was listening to the Top 40 Countdown on the way to church every Sunday (and getting bagels on the way home). My parents’ focus was on the destination - they have always been active members of our faith community, and have dedicated their lives to providing Catholic education to others. God has remained an integral part of their marriage, which has helped them keep the faith in each other. I have learned that this faith will get you through the hard times and make the easy times even easier.  

Laugh. A lot.

There has not been one day spent with my parents without laughter and joy. Whether it was my Dad ‘mooning’ my Mom at Jones Beach or my Mom playing April Fools’ jokes on my Dad, and even during the wakes of loved ones and visits to the hospital, laughter has always been a part of their marriage. I have learned that marriage should be fun and you have to be able to laugh at yourself and each other.

Give generously.

When I question my parents for being too generous, they usually respond with, ‘what’s the worst thing they could put on my tombstone – that I gave too much?’ My parents have always given more than they have and they never say no to someone in need. Their annual contributions to charity make them a target for the IRS (I suppose it’s unbelievable now that people are generally kind and good?), and they are always available to lend a helping hand. I have learned that you don’t get to take the ‘stuff’ with you at the end of this life, and giving to others makes you better as a married couple.

Show affection.

My parents call each other Precious. And they kiss hello every time they see each other. When I was in high school (and sometimes now) it grossed me out a bit, but they never had a hard time showing each other love. They work hard to focus on their actions towards each other and not just their words. I have learned to be comfortable in showing my affection to my husband. Even if it skeeves out our future children.

Do things you don't like.

My mother hates the beach. My father hates romantic comedies. But they go to Florida on vacation and they get the senior discount at the movies. My parents have always been able to compromise and do things for each other, regardless of their preference. I have learned that marriage means flexibility and loving someone so much that you'll do what they like (even if you’d rather be doing anything else).

Sometimes it's okay to take a break.

Married couples argue, and my parents are certainly no different (although honestly, I can count on one hand the number of times they fought in front of my sister and I). The few times they had an argument, my father would always go for a walk, probably for about 20 minutes. He and my Mom needed time to process and they realized that taking a break would calm the situation. They would also take random breaks from each other (and parenthood) by having a night out with siblings or taking weekend trips with friends. I have learned that taking a quick break from a heated discussion or daily life means that you will come back to your marriage refreshed, recharged and reunited.

Family is everything. 

We have always been a family of four, technically, but my parents have made our family so much more than that. My Mom and Dad treat everyone like family – friends and loved ones, and people who have nowhere else to go. Each Thanksgiving there is a new person in our annual family photo, because anyone who doesn’t have plans that day becomes a part of our family. I have learned that family is what matters, whether they are ‘related’ or not, and at the end of the day expanding your family will enhance your marriage.

Take care of each other. And then get over it.

My parents have had some very difficult times. They have dealt with scary situations and suffered tragic losses. But they have always had each other to lean on, and then they have focused on moving forward. Together. I have learned that you have to take care of each other during the difficult times, but then you have to get over it, move forward, and choose to be happy. Especially when it comes to your marriage.

Thank you, Tom and Al (yes, I call them by their first names), for always showing me love and teaching me about marriage. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have had your partnership as an inspiration in my life.